Really Think I am Done with BPD Friend...For Good

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm not moving to Detaching yet, but I honestly think I'm done with my BPD friend.  She's painted me black four times in the past year and a half, and the most recent time was literally over nothing.  Actually, it was because I was depressed (not over her, but over a variety of things), and after actually acting compassionate and being supportive for a few days, she informed me that no one wants to hear my sob story, that I'm a lying piece of _____, etc.  It was all projection, obviously, but I'm just done with it.  She goes out drinking all the time, and in recent months, she's also taken up gambling.  We are just going in two separate paths, and we really don't have anything in common anymore.

For whatever reason, she didn't unfriend me on social media, like she has in the past, and I have no idea why.  I stopped posting to Facebook weeks ago, but I still use Snapchat and regularly communicate with friends on there.  And maybe this is shallow of me, but I'm trying my best to appear completely unfazed by her painting me black.  She checks my Snapchat story several times a day, but all it's been for three weeks has been pictures of Christmas decorations, pictures of my cats, and weird/funny things I've seen when I've been out shopping.  I don't really see any reason to block her or unfriend her because it's not like I'm posting anything that she can use against me.  I just find it so funny that she went on about how she's "done with me" and doesn't want to see anything about my life but continues to check to see what I'm doing. 

I used to always send her a text on holidays and on her birthday, even when she had painted me black, but I'm done with that, too.  Half the time, I never received a reply.  I even sent her this nice "Happy New Year" this year, when we were on really good terms, and mentioned I hope she got the job promotion she wanted, and I got nothing back. 

More than anything, I look back on the time, almost two years ago, when we first became friends, and I really wonder why I didn't just ditch her right then and there.  She was lazy, called off work all the time, canceled plans at the last minute, and seemed to have no ambition in life.  I really do wish I could go back and just decide to not be friends with her. 

[SummerStorm]

I'm not moving to Detaching yet, but I honestly think I'm done with my BPD friend.  She's painted me black four times in the past year and a half, and the most recent time was literally over nothing.  Actually, it was because I was depressed (not over her, but over a variety of things), and after actually acting compassionate and being supportive for a few days, she informed me that no one wants to hear my sob story, that I'm a lying piece of _____, etc.  It was all projection, obviously, but I'm just done with it.  She goes out drinking all the time, and in recent months, she's also taken up gambling.  We are just going in two separate paths, and we really don't have anything in common anymore.

For whatever reason, she didn't unfriend me on social media, like she has in the past, and I have no idea why.  I stopped posting to Facebook weeks ago, but I still use Snapchat and regularly communicate with friends on there.  And maybe this is shallow of me, but I'm trying my best to appear completely unfazed by her painting me black.  She checks my Snapchat story several times a day, but all it's been for three weeks has been pictures of Christmas decorations, pictures of my cats, and weird/funny things I've seen when I've been out shopping.  I don't really see any reason to block her or unfriend her because it's not like I'm posting anything that she can use against me.  I just find it so funny that she went on about how she's "done with me" and doesn't want to see anything about my life but continues to check to see what I'm doing. 

I used to always send her a text on holidays and on her birthday, even when she had painted me black, but I'm done with that, too.  Half the time, I never received a reply.  I even sent her this nice "Happy New Year" this year, when we were on really good terms, and mentioned I hope she got the job promotion she wanted, and I got nothing back. 

More than anything, I look back on the time, almost two years ago, when we first became friends, and I really wonder why I didn't just ditch her right then and there.  She was lazy, called off work all the time, canceled plans at the last minute, and seemed to have no ambition in life.  I really do wish I could go back and just decide to not be friends with her. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SummerStorm, It seems like you're reluctant to let go of this friend, notwithstanding that she has said and done some unkind things.  What is it that keeps you coming back to this r/s?  Presumably you get something out of it.  What is it?  Maybe these questions will help to clarify your feelings.

LuckyJim

[SummerStorm]

Hey SummerStorm, It seems like you're reluctant to let go of this friend, notwithstanding that she has said and done some unkind things.  What is it that keeps you coming back to this r/s?  Presumably you get something out of it.  What is it?  Maybe these questions will help to clarify your feelings.

LuckyJim

At this point, I get nothing out of it.  I did at one time, but she's now surrounded herself with a bunch of losers and is mirroring them, and she's so far removed from the type of person I associate with that I'm embarrassed to tell people that I still talk to her.  When we first became friends, she had just gotten her teaching degree and ended up filling two consecutive long-term sub positions for teachers who were on maternity leave. We both have an English teaching degree and both like sci-fi/fantasy novels and TV shows.  So, she was someone I could talk to about work but also about the most recent season of Game of Thrones.  It was a nice balance.  But now, she works at a convenience store, making sandwiches, so I really can't relate to that.  Most of the people she hangs out with now either do drugs regularly or are recovering from a drug addiction, and one of her best friends is still in high school.  She won't ever go back to teaching, so that's a common interest that was lost.  Also, I bought a house last year and am living alone for the first time in my life (I always lived with my parents), so I'm busy with making sure I pay my bills on time, making dinner, shoveling my driveway when it snows, grocery shopping, etc.  In other words, I'm actually living the life of an adult, while she's an adult trying to live the life of a teenager.  I teach 145 teenagers a day; I don't really need another one in my life. 

[Notwendy]

Hi SummerStorm,

We can outgrow our friends- and also take different directions. I think you are considering that it is time to move on, yet, there is sadness in that too. Since few relationships are all good or all bad, it makes sense to feel some sadness even if the decision is right for you.

This has happened to me, but sometimes I've realized that even if I care about this person, "but he/she isn't good for me".  This is honoring my boundaries.

And you have them as well. Your friend's behaviors are not in line with your values. You have the right to assess them and decide to move on from this person.


One idea I would share with you when/if you choose to move in is how you do this. Making a statement " we are through" may be more than the situation requires and may instigate drama. It seems that you are the one making the effort in the friendship and you can just stop and let it fizzle on its own. Don't contact her. If she contacts you- be polite, brief, and then back to not contacting her.

I do think it is important to have this talk with yourself if you decide this is over. "I am done with this relationship". I know that we can look to others for closure, but that may not happen. We can decide this for ourselves. I think it is an important step because hanging on to an old relationship makes it hard to free ourselves up emotionally.