Not seeing sister at Christmas

[wingy]

I am a 65 year old woman who after years of psychological abuse from my younger sister stopped talking to her last January 1. There have been a few emails. It has taken years of therapy for me to accept she has a mental illness. She is 63, and her fourth husband left her last spring.

She is currently visiting my 89 year old father and his wife for the holidays. I am only 70 miles away, but I don't want to see her. I have done everything for my sister in my power to help her, but I finally stopped since I was getting physically sick and emotionally sick from my relationship with her.

My problem is that I am feeling guilty. I don't want to see her because I don't trust myself not to get sucked in. She has two personas: charming and funny and mean and spiteful. It has taken so much for me to separate myself from her, but now she is in my area for the holidays. At first I thought I would go down and visit for part of a day, but I don't believe I am strong enough not to feel sorry for her and get sucked it.

She has stage 4  breast cancer which has been going on for almost 6 years. I, too, have been diagnosed with breast cancer. I have been just feeling awful about the fact that I have this situation. I feel I have to protect myself from her since I tend to be very open and kind and make excuses for others' poor behavior. At 65 I am just learning how to take better care of myself.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Wingy! 

What a wondrous thing you have done, to progress through T on your personal journey and to reach the place of having the courage to take this big step... .yaay for you! I know it is not easy, but I wish to celebrate with you that you are working hard at taking care of you and that is a big deal.  So I celebrate with you!

Those feelings of guilt or FOG as we call them, tend to chase us around in circles, don't they? I've struggled with them too, round and round, yet it is possible to get off the merry-go-round and not get back on. I think it takes practice and reminding yourself that it is okay for you to concentrate on you, no matter what age you are. I too have an uBPD in my life, and it really is a great fight to battle the inner voices of guilt that plague us. The pwBPD tends to add on to the guilt and play it for all it is worth. But it is okay that you recognize it for what it is, and it isn't yours to take on.

There are other members here who have also gone LC or NC (low or no contact) with the BPD in their family. Do you think your sister has BPD? What has helped you to figure out her mental illness?

Thank you for coming and sharing your story with us. Would love to hear more as you have time! There is a lot of wonderful information here at our sight that can help you along on your journey to healing. We are here to support one another.

 
Wools

 

[Turkish]

It's sad that you need to put up boundaries to protect yourself from her,  even when suffering from the same illness over which you might support each other.  

In what ways did you help her that it resulted in you feeling enough was enough and limiting contact?

A healthy relationship involves reciprocity,  and it sounds like yours was very imbalanced.  

Is hard to realize,  even living a whole life in the middle of it,  that someone is sick or mentally ill.  My T also pointed this out to me last month regarding my mother.  He stopped to tell me that when I was getting angry.  

Giving up "rescuing" is a hard thing to do (and I'm glad you've gotten there, despite possible anxiety about the decision). The guilt can be a harder thing to move past though it's possible.  Seeing the situation for what it is can be hard: she's an adult,  free to make her own choices,  good and bad.