Trying to move forward (cutting the cord?) to take care of myself and the kids.

[spooky311]

Hi,
I thought I would check this message board out. This summer, I have left my ex of 12 years (who has narcissistic traits and was emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me). In transitioning, I decided our 2 children and I would be best staying with my parents (who also have traits of personality disorders, and am now identifying borderline traits in my mom). I have started reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and it's bringing back memories of how volatile our relationship was growing up. Over the past 11 years, I have lived away from the city I grew up in, so contact with my parents has been more limited. Being back though and having chosen to stay with my parents for 3 months prior to being able to get into a place of our own has been difficult. I am hypersensitive around them and am still having boundaries violated even since settling in our new home. I am in the process of trying to let them go (at least for the time being as I find being around them stressful and I am having health concerns related to excess stress). I'm working to re-vamp my emergency response system (find babysitters for the kids, updating emergency contacts, etc.) as the current system isn't working well. I don't want my parents at my house due to repeated boundary violations. I "sucked it up" last week as I felt the need to go to the emergency department and called my mom to stay at my place while the kids slept. I tried not to stress about the potential of her snooping through things (I have sensitive information around related to working on getting a protection order from my ex, and she has a tendency to go through my things) or her obsession to clean or move things around (which I have told her she is not allowed to do). And in the end, once I was home I found she had done some cleaning. She tries to minimize it as not cleaning, just "did your dishes", and shifts the blame to me for not instructing her to on how to operate my TV remote prior to going to the hospital (she has the same TV at home, and I was out the door when she arrived ready to leave and having to physically show her where she could park despite instructing her on the phone twice when I called her). I knew once she called me while at the hospital after about an hour and a half, telling me she couldn't figure the remote out that it would increase the likelihood of her cleaning or perhaps snooping. I was in no state to try to play tech support on the phone at the point and was trying to not stress out any further than I already was. I think she also tried to say something to attempt to hurt my feelings and she asked if I wanted her to stay the night. I'm able to stay much calmer in these situations now and have even found myself to apologize to her for sounding harsh (just being blunt, really and not meaning to hurt her feelings) about how I feel disrespected when she crosses boundaries. I have learned not to expect any sort of apology back.
I didn't feel good about staying with my parents' when leaving my ex, and in retrospect, probably should have looked more seriously into staying at a shelter. I was trying to provide some sort of normalcy for the kids, but my parents can't hold it together around the kids either (they have no patience with the kids or with each other, which leads to a lot of unnecessary yelling among other things). I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids with them for long, as they are almost always exposed to their negative behaviors. I've tried to limit this to emergency purposes and maybe the odd evening out and even that's too much at this point.
I was planning to "suck it up" for the holidays, at least so the kids can have a semi-normal Christmas, but that's not looking good right now either. So far my ex (who they have not seen in almost 2 months) and his family have not committed to spending time with the kids. I told the kids this morning, that they might go to my parents' for Christmas Eve, but I might not be able to stay. There might be a gathering with my aunt at some point though. I'm looking into other ideas for the holidays as well; perhaps a hotel night or two with water slides. I should be able to pull it off, but funds are limited. 
So as pulling off some sort of normalcy for the holidays is looking less likely, I'm focusing more on staying healthy for myself and the kids. My counselor has noted that I have some symptoms resembling PTSD, which I agree with and have been looking into CPTSD and ways of coping (which does note going no contact with stressful/abusive people). I'm finding that some of the supportive people in my life (particularly if connected to my parents) are having a hard time understanding my hypersensitivity, questioning "was it really that bad?" or considering how my actions might "hurt" my parents. I feel like I have to watch what I say or who I talk to when feeling particularly vulnerable as it's hard to filter what I say or how to take what they say so it doesn't affect me. Also some of the ones connected to my parents have crossed boundaries as well (a family friend relayed some sensitive information about my ex to my dad, which caused issues and my aunt had tried to arrange for my mom to babysit the kids without my consent. My mom also interrogates my sister about me, but as far as I understand, my sister keeps things to herself) There are a few who I feel I can trust when feeling especially vulnerable, but they're not always easy to reach (they live out of town, or are otherwise busy with their lives, etc) and I don't want to overwhelm them either.
I didn't mean for a potential "cord cutting" to occur over the holidays, but it just seems that this is how it's playing out. My parents refuse counseling and although my mom might hear me out a bit about improving things from time to time, it ultimately doesn't go anywhere. I'm recognizing that this relationship with my parents is doing more harm than good and I don't have the energy to "fake normal" while anticipating the next blow right now, and possibly not any longer.
So I have plans for moving forward, which is of some comfort and will continue to try to take care of myself.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Spooky311:   

I'm so very sorry about all you have been through.  It had to take a lot of courage and effort to leave your husband and get your own place.  I can hear that you are working hard to get your life in order for both you and your children. 

The time you spent with your parents had to be difficult, in that you are dealing with the memories of your volatile relationship with them.  Do you see some correlation between your parents and the choice you made in getting married to your spouse?

I tried not to stress about the potential of her snooping through things (I have sensitive information around related to working on getting a protection order from my ex, and she has a tendency to go through my things) or her obsession to clean or move things around (which I have told her she is not allowed to do). And in the end, once I was home I found she had done some cleaning. She tries to minimize it as not cleaning, just "did your dishes"

You might consider getting some inexpensive container that you can lock the sensitive papers up in.  You mom won't likely try to break a lock or damage a container, while trying to gain entry.  Just something to consider.  Some things that won't hamper a thief/burglar can keep a snoop in line.

Boundaries are important.  If you have no other option, you may have to use your mom for some babysitting in an emergency.  If you can take some measures to keep your paperwork private, perhaps you can deal with her other behaviors (for an emergency)

So as pulling off some sort of normalcy for the holidays is looking less likely, I'm focusing more on staying healthy for myself and the kids. My counselor has noted that I have some symptoms resembling PTSD, which I agree with and have been looking into CPTSD and ways of coping (which does note going no contact with stressful/abusive people).

I'm glad you have a counselor.  Sounds like a good plan to focus on the health and well being of you and your kids.  Sounds like you are working hard against FOG

Do you have some things you are trying to manage your stress?  You may already have some things that are working for you, but thought I'd share some possible tool to consider for managing stress.

Have you read any self-help books? You might be interested in these two books:  The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy and The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.

You might try some of the things at the links below.  Choose something from the options below and give it a try.  Perhaps you can discuss one or two of the options below with your therapist. 

10 JOURNALING TIPS
www.tinybuddha.com/blog/10-journaling-tips-to-help-you-heal-grow-and-thrive/

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

I hope you have stress free holidays.  The children would likely be excited about a hotel night or two with water slides.

[P.F.Change]

Hey, spooky311,

Welcome to  bpdfamily. It sounds like you've been through a lot lately, and I agree with NaughtyNibbler that it's great you already have a counselor. It can be a disorienting thing to discover how deeply disorder runs in our families of origin, and just like you, a lot of people only begin to figure it out when they find themselves in a volatile romantic relationship. It sounds like you've already done some of the tough work and still have some ahead.

I have a c-PTSD diagnosis and so I can understand that aspect of your experience. My husband is such a great support for me, but even as validating as he is, I can tell he doesn't really know how to cope when I feel triggered. At the same time, it's good to learn to reach out to people you trust for support. It can feel isolating to try to cope with these issues all on your own. So if you have a friend you want to ring up, I'd say go for it. You can call your therapist for therapy, but our friends can help too just by being a place for us to open up and be vulnerable.

In terms of cutting contact, for me, reducing my exposure to triggers (e.g., my parents) did give me the space I needed to really work on healing and recovery. However, ending a relationship completely is not always necessary or recommended. What you need will be largely up to you and your counselor to sort out, and it may change as you change. It may not need an answer today or tomorrow--you have time to sort out what you need and when. It can also be really liberating to get to define what a "normal" holiday looks like for you and your kids. Waterslides could be a really fun tradition to start! My kids would be jealous to hear that one  Have you thought about any other possibilities?

Wishing you peace,

PF