Can't Spell BPD without Crazy

[RighteousAnger]

Rinse and Repeat... .Rinse and Repeat... .Rinse and Repeat! Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. My uBPDexgf and I have been on and off for nearly 2.5 years (so I guess currently my ex would be the correct term) that has felt like 10 years. I was done last time, so I told myself, but somehow kept finding myself having sex with my ex every couple weeks. She'd text or just even show up at my door after the bars closed. So, I'd let her in, I mean she shouldn't have been driving in the first place... .and we'd sex... .and then talk and after a couple months of this a startling thing happened... .She admitted that our breakup also being partly her fault. I was in shock... .was this really her? Well as it turns out she was in therapy and for the first time ever it actually seemed to be helping her.  She even told her therapist that her ex thought she might have BPD.

I thought to myself, she's progressing! This is what I always wanted from her! Yay! Rainbows and Unicorns! Woohoo!... .Rainbows and Unicorns that led straight to Mordor and the pits of despair!

Within a week of getting back together all progress she made was no longer discernible. Everything was my fault. I can give many examples, but I'll just use this one... .I caught her lying about being in touch with a guy she had been threatening me with hooking up with during our breakup (actually they did have sex during our breakup)... .my fault. I mean after all she only lied to me because she couldn't trust me to not leave her and had I not left her in the first place she wouldn't be in touch with this guy who she now claims is a friend of hers and she can't just end contact with him because he likes her and it would hurt him. Therefore, I owe her an apology for getting upset that she is in contact with this guy (and had sex with him)! In fact she can't trust me and this is just not going to work out! "Buhbye... .Have a nice life."

I, having basically gone against all better judgement to get back with her, am perplexed that she was so happy to get back with me to where she wouldn't just drop contact with some random dude (that wants to hook up with her and says so) to be with me again? That she would rather go back to her threat of breakup tactics (very common manipulation tactic of hers)? Apparently this is where I am supposed to keep fighting for her/us and apologizing to her. She has made it clear that our relationship would be much smoother if I'd just  learn to agree with her on everything, realize she is always right, and do everything she says. I told her she desires a slave, not a partner. She tells me if I actually loved her, doing what she asks wouldn't be a hard thing because I'd want to make her happy more than anything in the world. AHHHHHH!

I am not proud of levels I have stooped to in this relationship. At times I have felt BPD was contagious as I found myself purposely trying to use her own methods on/against her. I quickly realized that was like entering the Octagon against a trained MMA fighter with no training... .I got my ass whooped (figuratively speaking... .well this time, she has physically assaulted me in the past) by her. Years of training she quickly recognized what I was trying and counter moved me into an arm bar (figuratively once again).

She is a master manipulator and 4th degree black belt in gaslighting. I really started to believe her for a while that all I had to do was try harder and do what she said. I got to the point where I was really depressed. I was drinking more, no longer going out, or keeping in touch with friends, and even my family hardly heard from me. And this is with the psychology knowledge of what she was doing to me! I knew what gaslighting was and how she was emotionally manipulating me. And yet it got to the point I felt like a bystander in my own body. I think it just got so frustrating that I just wanted something I can never have... .her to admit to being wrong and apologizing when she was wrong or over reacting. That is something pwBPD just can't do and I know that, but for some reason I struggle to accept that.

Anyway, to make matters worse she is now pregnant and I am 95% certain it is mine. That being said, after one of our blowout fights she said she wanted an abortion. I am torn on this because I am at an age (36) and place in my life where I could raise another child (I have a 6 year old with a sane ex), but realistically her having an abortion would be the best option for my sanity. She says she went in to the clinic and they rescheduled her for the 29th as they couldn't find the baby and it may be an ectopic pregnancy. I'm not doctor, but she is early enough in the pregnancy where they can just give her a pill that will end it, so I'm not sure why they'd reschedule a date 2 weeks from when she went in? Wonder is she is lying? I have come to the conclusion an abortion is the best option if she goes through with it (it'll be her third one... .first with me) because that child would be put through hell with her as a mother and she has also already threatened to take me through the ringer and make me broke.

My New Years resolution for 2016 was to get her out of my life... .it literally was. I failed. It appears my 2017 New Years resolution will be the same once I confirm she has the abortion I will once again attempt NC.

[Mutt]

Hi Righteousanger,



I think that it's easier to set a goal than a deadline, if it takes longer, it takes longer. I can also understand feeling anxious to put a chapter in life behind me and start the next chapter.

I got to the point where I was really depressed. I was drinking more, no longer going out, or keeping in touch with friends, and even my family hardly heard from me.

Is the depression under control?