BPD breaking point? Identity shift and silent treatment... what to expect.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

Does anyone have any experience on dealing with identity disturbance after a split? For instance if someone changes their "self" does it last years? This has taken a long time to develop but for the past 2 years my exBPDgf has been going down hill and the anger slowly toppled over to not only me but her sister and 2 year old nephew.

My partner was besotted by her baby nephew when he was born, and yet I slowly saw that she lost interest in him this, alongside losing our own relationship last year. We've been friends, but last we met up she was blaming everyone else for her stress. Its such a shame because she's been in therapy for 1 year now and it doesn't seem to be working. She's such a lovely girl, but sadly fear and mistrust seems to have ruined everything and cause chaos - it started when her step dad was diagnosed with cancer (and subsequently passed) and with stress at work.

Last month she spent some of her savings on a month long trek/trip to New Zealand, which at first I encouraged... .thinking it may help, but whilst she was there communication was dead. I felt so devalued by this point I did the most difficult thing I could and wrote a heartfelt letter to her saying that I still loved her, but I now need to look after my own well-being and heal... .saying that I'm here for support and keep an open communication but that we need to plan healthier boundaries when we both feel ready to commit to our relationship. I must admit in the letter I did point out that I could only be there as a partner and not a friend, but sadly on a previous occasion she mentioned that deep down she didn't love me - whether this was her being genuine, or the "other", I don't know... but it would be too difficult to be friends for me if I still had feelings.

Well, she definitely read my letter by now, but I haven't heard anything from her since - this I expected as I asked for time to heal and it would have been perceived as abandonment. What I find weird is that I haven't had the usual things happen, for instance I was expecting to be banned on Whatsapp and on Facebook, or to have our photos removed. But none of this has happened. Just... .silence. Anyone else has this? Is it typical?

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is that today I got a text from her sister and things are not so good - I fear a breakdown has happened. No mention of me, but it looks like my ex is now pointing all anger at her own family. Later in the afternoon on Whatsapp she changed her profile (which was a cute image of herself and her nephew) at least 3 times in the space of minutes to various images in New Zealand and she was talking with someone but I have no idea who, its all conjecture and fear from me though, I'm trying not to think about it. The bottom line, I fear that maybe she's going to try and change her self-image rather than deal with her problems through therapy, and the cycle is going to repeat with whoever her next supply is. Is it pretty much game over at this stage? I think I can be friends one day, but right now its too difficult to see her destroy things... at the end of the day I'll always love her, but I know its difficult for her to love herself, let alone be in a relationship.

Any advice?

[Grimbog]

Hello,

Does anyone have any experience on dealing with identity disturbance after a split? For instance if someone changes their "self" does it last years? This has taken a long time to develop but for the past 2 years my exBPDgf has been going down hill and the anger slowly toppled over to not only me but her sister and 2 year old nephew.

My partner was besotted by her baby nephew when he was born, and yet I slowly saw that she lost interest in him this, alongside losing our own relationship last year. We've been friends, but last we met up she was blaming everyone else for her stress. Its such a shame because she's been in therapy for 1 year now and it doesn't seem to be working. She's such a lovely girl, but sadly fear and mistrust seems to have ruined everything and cause chaos - it started when her step dad was diagnosed with cancer (and subsequently passed) and with stress at work.

Last month she spent some of her savings on a month long trek/trip to New Zealand, which at first I encouraged... .thinking it may help, but whilst she was there communication was dead. I felt so devalued by this point I did the most difficult thing I could and wrote a heartfelt letter to her saying that I still loved her, but I now need to look after my own well-being and heal... .saying that I'm here for support and keep an open communication but that we need to plan healthier boundaries when we both feel ready to commit to our relationship. I must admit in the letter I did point out that I could only be there as a partner and not a friend, but sadly on a previous occasion she mentioned that deep down she didn't love me - whether this was her being genuine, or the "other", I don't know... but it would be too difficult to be friends for me if I still had feelings.

Well, she definitely read my letter by now, but I haven't heard anything from her since - this I expected as I asked for time to heal and it would have been perceived as abandonment. What I find weird is that I haven't had the usual things happen, for instance I was expecting to be banned on Whatsapp and on Facebook, or to have our photos removed. But none of this has happened. Just... .silence. Anyone else has this? Is it typical?

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is that today I got a text from her sister and things are not so good - I fear a breakdown has happened. No mention of me, but it looks like my ex is now pointing all anger at her own family. Later in the afternoon on Whatsapp she changed her profile (which was a cute image of herself and her nephew) at least 3 times in the space of minutes to various images in New Zealand and she was talking with someone but I have no idea who, its all conjecture and fear from me though, I'm trying not to think about it. The bottom line, I fear that maybe she's going to try and change her self-image rather than deal with her problems through therapy, and the cycle is going to repeat with whoever her next supply is. Is it pretty much game over at this stage? I think I can be friends one day, but right now its too difficult to see her destroy things... at the end of the day I'll always love her, but I know its difficult for her to love herself, let alone be in a relationship.

Any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Grimbog:  
Sorry about what you are going through.  The harsh reality is that we can't change or "fix" someone.  

Have you thought about what you can do in 2017 to make things better for you?  That is something you have power over.

The articles below could be helpful:

 MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

May 2017 bring you a better year.  You have the power to make it better.
 

[mitti]

Hi Grimbog,

I obviously cannot tell you what will happen for you but I do see similarities with my r/s with my, currently ex, uBPDbf. He has more than once shifted between loving me most in the whole world and not loving me or even wanting to see me or talk to me ever again, and then returning to loving me again. He has also had long periods of not talking to me, avoiding all contact and being non-responsive but without blocking me anywhere.

It feels frustrating and painful and I can imagine that it feels the same for you. When I first came on here I wanted to find out how to avoid this and fix him, but the truth was that I needed fixing, only what needed fixing in me was not as easy to see as his issues. But when we do look at our own 'issues' our circumstances and everybody around us will change also.

[Beck20ish]

Ah this is interesting as my what i can assume ex hasn't blocked me on anything?
I thought maybe i would be blocked from sending messages but they still went though, her WhatsApp just shows she's not been online since before xmas and she's deleted messenger of fb but not blocked or unfriended me on there either.
I can only assume she is still on theses sites but not interacting and has read the messages but chosen not to respond (yet?) we were only together a few months so not sure if this is the normal pattern of her behaviour or if she is just done with me.