Problem solving 101...

[Mr.Noname]

So, I've been dating my fiancee for 2.5 years, we got engaged within six months and we have a son after only a year and two months of being together, we are getting married in the summer!

To say the least, Ive been with a non medicated, non function BPD partner and it was 8 years of hell... .I some how fell in love with another!

Yet, the biggest differences are the "will" to wanna be better!

My fiancee wants to live a normal life, she wants to overcome her borderline and does what she can to work with it, and not against it... .And that makes my life so much easier. Off her meds, like when she was pregnant we nearly broke up and it was 6 months of HELL!

Anyways, I have noticed that she isn't able to problem solve. She has a problem she freaks out, black/white thinking... .She cant find something she freaks out and and causes a seen, something isn't going her way, she freaks out causes a scene. It isn't extremes like some would deal with, its more like a panic state, like when she has a computer issue, or the internet or tv isn't working she messages me if I am not home freaking out like its my fault and I need to fix it!

I go in solve the problem for her and its like ok great. Back to normal, or if I am not able to solve the problem she pesters me till I do!

Anyone else deal with these issues, and there partners, anyway to sort of work around this to cause less of a hassle?

Im looking for some ways to sort of manage these minor outburst to put less strain on the relationship... .I always tease her that she has horrible problem solving skills, and she laughs and agrees. We are always teasing each other over silly stuff, all in good fun, sometimes she likes to pull out the daggers, but it isn't much a problem for me cause Ive been around a lot worse with my ex!

I have read that BPD have horrible problem solving skills... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TryingHope4758]

Hey there,

I'm not sure if I have the same amount of experience with BPD as you do, but I have noticed something that seems to work with my BPD husband. When I realize he is beginning to get anxious, I will gently remind him to take his Clonazepam (anti-anxiety med) to help him. I also make sure to clearly acknowledge his frustration, "I see that you're very angry that the computer isn't working." Then I go on to say (in a round-about way) that the problem is "simple" and it's going to be okay. "I'm so sorry that you are very angry. I know this is a big deal for you. I will try to fix it as soon as I get home from the store. If there is anything I can get you while you wait for me?"

I don't know if that makes sense. But basically Acknowledge the feeling, Communicate the solution, Target the resolve to some of the anxious feelings by helping her understand the sky is not falling and she can take a deep breath until you are able to help her. I know it's hard to reason and explain things to an anxious person, but if one thing can snap them back into understanding, they will be able to acknowledge that it's not the end of the world when something breaks/doesn't work.

I hope this helps. Take care!

[livednlearned]

Hey there! What a relief she is willing to work on her issues. Is she in treatment of any kind?

My partner's D19 is similar when it comes to problem-solving. She is very anxious and has panic states, and struggles to think straight (I think the emotions overwhelm her normal ability to process well). Anxiety has made her a perfectionist, so she is terribly anxious about making simple mistakes. And I also notice that she struggles to apply what she learns in one setting to a similar setting.

Validating questions might be helpful, so that your fiancee learns some agency on her own. People with BPD can struggle with a debilitating sense of inadequacy, so putting responsibility back on them may help her build confidence over time.

Or you could try things like, "I can see why this would be stressful. I feel the same way when the Internet doesn't work, it's so darn complicated. I remember you had a similar thing happen before. Do you remember how you handled it last time? Maybe we can walk through this together and sort it out."

It's possible, too, that she is testing the relationship to see if you will come to her rescue in these moments. If so, validating her feelings and coaching her to solve the problem is healthier than doing things for her. Validating provides the reassurance she is looking for, and coaching provides reassurance that you recognize her as competent, guiding her gently to acquire skills to problem solve on her own. Even modeling for her that it may be better to let emotions regulate before taking on a big cognitive task, something that is probably true for many of us, BPD or not.

[MyFathersSon]

I'm not sure if my situation is similar enough to help answer your question or not. My partner with BPD suffers from chronic illnesses including chronic pain. She will tell me often that she needs medical attention. I will ask her what is wrong (or sometimes I will ask her what is new that is worrying her). She will then list 10-20 symptoms (usually things that have been going on for months). I will ask her if there is anything I can do for her to make her more comfortable (I know of many things that can help her symptoms, but she refuses them). She will then get mad at me, for me not being able to see how sick she is. I will then offer to take her to the hospital, or to call the paramedics. She will refuse both. I have come to think that she does not really want me to do anything for her, but rather she wants to perceive that I am as concerned about her health as she is (though she suffers from anxiety as well).

I am a pattern recognizer. What she freaks out about almost on a daily basis, is what I call SSDD (same ___ different day). It passes eventually, she just needs to ride it out. But she can't seem to realize (or accept) that how she feels is not new.

Having said that, I also realize that there is something wrong with her, both physically and mentally. Sometimes it is hard to tell where the physical ends and the mental begins. I know her pain causes stress, and her stress causes pain.

As far as the problem solving goes, She seems incapable of making decisions, but she will reject any of my decisions. I try to determine what  her expectation is and fail. I will ask her what she is looking for and she has no idea. I try to solve problems with logic, yet logic infuriates her. I have been told that a BP thinks with emotions and emotions form their facts, logic works the other way around.

I'm not sure if I have helped or not, or maybe I'm just venting.

Hope it helps (you and/or me)

Keith