Alone at Christmas, My Choice, is it Healthy?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Due to the custody schedule,  I don't get the kids back until the 26th. She has had them this week,  I get them the next. 

She's separating from her H, moving into a new place the first week of January.

I was invited to a holiday event last weekend (of had the kids). I hated it.  Her H didn't show up.  And honestly,  I have far less a problem with him than her.  It's the facade,  the projection that every thing's ok when it's not.  As far as I know, she hasn't shared anything with her family about the separation, much less the DV. I brought the kids to the holiday event last weekend (invited by her sister), and it was cool,  but I also couldn't stand it. I'm family by blood due to the kids.  Several cousins were happy to see me.  I kind of slept on the couch for over an hour.  I was tired,  but I also did it to cope.

My pain is just that I can't stand to play a role of enabling or coping. I haven't telegraphed a single thing about what's going on to her family. 

I could see a movie. Go to a local wilderness park.  It seems pathetic that I won't spend time with my ex laws. They are being kind.  I sent a nice denial text to her sister tonight.  It drives me nuts how they deny the obvious,  yet keep going as a family unit.  I'm the only adopted child of a single mother.  Perhaps I can't understand it. 

I've whined here about how angry I was about missing time with my kids,  but here in choosing not to spend extra time with them.  I'm torn between what's best for me and what's best for my kids.

[Turkish]

Due to the custody schedule,  I don't get the kids back until the 26th. She has had them this week,  I get them the next. 

She's separating from her H, moving into a new place the first week of January.

I was invited to a holiday event last weekend (of had the kids). I hated it.  Her H didn't show up.  And honestly,  I have far less a problem with him than her.  It's the facade,  the projection that every thing's ok when it's not.  As far as I know, she hasn't shared anything with her family about the separation, much less the DV. I brought the kids to the holiday event last weekend (invited by her sister), and it was cool,  but I also couldn't stand it. I'm family by blood due to the kids.  Several cousins were happy to see me.  I kind of slept on the couch for over an hour.  I was tired,  but I also did it to cope.

My pain is just that I can't stand to play a role of enabling or coping. I haven't telegraphed a single thing about what's going on to her family. 

I could see a movie. Go to a local wilderness park.  It seems pathetic that I won't spend time with my ex laws. They are being kind.  I sent a nice denial text to her sister tonight.  It drives me nuts how they deny the obvious,  yet keep going as a family unit.  I'm the only adopted child of a single mother.  Perhaps I can't understand it. 

I've whined here about how angry I was about missing time with my kids,  but here in choosing not to spend extra time with them.  I'm torn between what's best for me and what's best for my kids.

[valet]

It's the facade,  the projection that every thing's ok when it's not.

It drives me nuts how they deny the obvious,  yet keep going as a family unit.

I've whined here about how angry I was about missing time with my kids,  but here in choosing not to spend extra time with them.  I'm torn between what's best for me and what's best for my kids.

First and foremost, I don't think that there's anything wrong with spending time alone for Christmas. Kick back and relax as best as you can. It might be triggering to be alone, but hell, it's a new experience. Try to enjoy it.

I get the stuff about that denial big time. The last Christmas I spent with my ex her family played nice... .but then my ex and her Mom got into a big fight and way too much drama ensued. Her Mom ended up locking herself in her bedroom and didn't come out for like 2 days other than for food or using the bathroom. Ex and I were living in a different country at the time to boot, and we were only in town for a week or so. They both tried triangulating me, and I sided with my ex, which didn't help matters. If you're not there you won't even have the opportunity to be part of the disfunction. It might actually make things a bit easier for them... .perhaps.

I think that your kids will probably be fine during the holidays. That may sound scary, but if your ex is moving out a brief period of stability will probably be on the horizon. You put a lot of pressure on yourself to treat them well, Turkish. And you're good at it too. Don't believe that all your work is gonna go down the drain over one holiday. Chances are both you and the kids will be stronger for this in the long run.

Happy Holidays!

[patientandclear]

Sounds like you don't want to participate in the easy facade that all is OK and particularly that you all are OK as an intact family unit.  Because this huge rupture happened and there's been a big betrayal.  And you're resisting the glossing over of that, and people (both your ex and her family) acting and hoping as if that can just be sort of set aside.  Makes complete sense to me.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm not sure I have lots of words of wisdom for you, but I noticed that you seem pretty emotionally "roped in" to what your ex is doing (her facade) - which actually has little to do with your kids (if I'm understanding all this correctly). She "pretends" and her family "plays along" and you fall asleep to get away from it all because it bothers you so very much.

There's nothing especially wrong with the way you're reacting - but others would react with bemused detachment. Any idea why you're so triggered by her family dynamics?

My pain is just that I can't stand to play a role of enabling or coping. I haven't telegraphed a single thing about what's going on to her family.

I'm not sure it's "enabling" if you are standing outside of the mess and refusing to participate. I actually think your restraint is absolutely correct - her divorce has nothing at all to do with you - so you can't be "enabling" anything. As an adult, her decision about what to tell her family is hers and hers alone. I think "telegraphing" any information about the state of her marriage to the family would be boundary-busting - and would embroil you in the drama in an unhealthy way.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY TURKISH:   
Is it healthy to be alone on Christmas?  Interesting question. Guess there isn't a right answer.  Your decision needs to be about what you think is right for you, not what other's expect or think is right for you.  Sometimes, you may make a sacrifice or compromise for the sake of your children.  Unless there is some issue with them, then it's all about what you think is best for you.

It's interesting how people are different.  For some people, it's torture to be alone.  For others, it can be an opportunity to do something they enjoy. 

Some people feel "alone" in a room full of other people, especially when there is dysfunctional behavior, or they are walking on eggshells.  In that case, it can be better to be alone.  If you hated the event last weekend, that is the likely outcome from attending a Christmas gathering.

If you change your mind, you could choose to make a brief visit to the inlaws' home, and have an excuse to leave early.   

I think the choice is yours.  See a movie that you wouldn't share with the children (the new Star Wars movie?) or enjoy a walk at the wilderness park.  It is just one day.  How you choose to think about it can make it either enjoyable and relaxing for you or torture.

[drained1996]

It's the facade,  the projection that every thing's ok when it's not

I can taste that statement.  Given that, I've chosen not to put myself in the situation where I have to play where everything is all good.  It's my choice and I'm good with that.  I would rather be alone with my own discomfort and deal with that than to be surrounded by people who chose to live in a world of denial and feel forced to play a role for their comfort. 

[enlighten me]

Hi Turkish

Ive had to do this many times. I look on it that special occasions are just a date and just do the special occasion on a different date. Not ideal but it works for me.

Ive also done the family thing with my exs. I didn't enjoy it but suffered it for the kids.

Its easy to feel bitter that your ex gets the best of it. In the end though my eldest came to live with me and they harbour resentment to their mum for all the times she grabbed those special occasions rather than splitting them.

[Harri]

Hi Turkish, how are you?  

As an outsider looking in and only knowing bits of your story, I would say it is healthy.  It may feel different, be more quiet and a bit lonely without the kids, but to my mind, it seems a healthy choice for you and the kids.  Given all of the stuff going on with your ex and her husband, on top of the family issues that have been there, it would be an exhausting and draining day for me if I were in your shoes and chose to attend.  

It seems pathetic that I won't spend time with my ex laws

You are being way too harsh on yourself.  There is nothing pathetic about saying no and taking care of yourself in this case.  Self-care is hard... .especially for you, someone who is always putting others first and who is not good at taking care of himself!

I've whined here about how angry I was about missing time with my kids,  but here in choosing not to spend extra time with them.  I'm torn between what's best for me and what's best for my kids.

Taking care of you is what is best for the kids in this instance (IMNSHO).  What do you think your presence there will do for your kids?

Take a ride to your ocean!  I will be at the one on my coast!  Recharge your batteries and be ready for a great time with your kids on the 26th until the New Year!

[Panda39]

Me thinks I hear the sound of obligation.

Have Christmas on your own stay out of the dysfunction and enjoy your day. There is nothing unhealthy in spending the day on your own  

Panda39

[Turkish]

I should clarify: I have no problem being by myself.  I could go into work tomorrow,  say, to finish reports to do meet end of the month numbers (or also do hands on lab work). I've resisted my boss's suggestions to requisition a laptop so I can work from home beyond the webmail interface. 

I did some grocery shopping tonight anticipating things will be closed or crowded the next two days.  I'm debating catching a matinee of either Star Wars or they movie where Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence are stuck on a spaceship.

There's certainly plenty to do at home.  I bought a purple LED light for D4's room.  I think she'll love it.  Work on cleaning it out for her so she stops sleeping with me and her brother.  Getting mouse traps to get the pair of rodents who are stealing the chihuhua's food.  She's not the borderline dog that my mom took back with her, but the codependent one.  I thought these dogs were ratters. Not in her case.  Worthless beast... .but she's cute!

[Naughty Nibbler]

 

  I'm debating catching a matinee of either Star Wars or they movie where Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence are stuck on a spaceship.

Star Wars has the better review

 

Getting mouse traps to get the pair of rodents who are stealing the Chihuahua's food. 

I used to have a cat that was quite the rodent catcher. He would eat about half of his catch and bring the rest into the house. Unfortunately, a neighbor on the street behind me had baby bunnies in a open pen. Needless to say, my cat Dinky would bring the baby bunnies home.  Sadly, it was instant birth control for bunnies.

I've had success catching rodents with a device called a Rat Zapper. It is battery operated.  When the rodent touches a metal plate to get the food, the current zaps them for instant death. It was all out war after rodents chewed up the hoses on my washing machine.

[heartandwhole]

Hey Turkish,

I think what's healthy in this instance is what feels right for you. You do so much for your kids and many others—how about just doing exactly what would feel good for you over the hols? If that means couch-potatoing, do it. It it looks like housework/repairs and movies, great.

Whatever feels nourishing to you—go for it. You deserve this time to fill up your tank. Spend your precious time (life is short) as your heart wishes.

I think your kids will be fine and probably enjoying the festivities with extended family. Do you think so?

heartandwhole

[Turkish]

I saw star wars.  It was a good movie in and of itself,  but felt even less is a star wars movie than the last one.  The last 20 minutes were worth the price of admission though.  I'd say that the overall theme was one of sacrifice for the greater good,  some character's sacrifices not so clear.

I have the kids back today for a week.  They seem none the worse for the wear.  We're young or of town for 2.5 days in the morning.  I saw Christmas eve pics on FB. I'm regretting not going,  but it is what it is.  My ex told me today of another incident.  I think this was last night.  I should ask her later and start Journaling again. 

Her H came home late after she had gone out of town to visit relatives,  and she accused him of taking course to $100 from the kids piggy bank.  He also took some of her other stuff and tried to take a piece of the kids furniture. He said stay ease he supposed to do,  and she did that he was an adult; go buy it.  I won't validate her probable tone,  but she's right.  I was on the verge of leaving years ago,  and it never crossed my mind to take anything,  but then I've Shasta been hyper independent (I also had money,  unlike him). I didn't even quip, I just listened. 

They were grabbing for something.  She said he let go and her hand ended up hitting his chin. He called the cops,  so did she after asking him to leave and he wouldn't.  The kids were sleeping in the room.  The cops came.  D4 woke up and asked if they were taking H away.  My ex said no.  The cops disagreed with her asking him to leave since he was on the lease.  They said she could go.  She said she had her kids and what did they expect her to do, that he was hardly there and already had a place to stay.  Also,  that he had a court date for resisting arrest from 6 months ago when he threw himself on her car to keep her from leaving,  she called the cops,  they slammed and cuffed him (she still sympathizes with him that the cops overreacted). The cops ran his ID and verified this. 

They were sympathetic to him,  but encouraged him to leave.    I think she also pulled the physical differences between them to the cops. However,  they said that if they had to return,  one or both of them would be arrested...    He was trying to explain her verbal abuse to them,  but that's not a criminal matter,  even if it sucks.

Merry Christmas. Joy to the world   

Drama 

The kids go back with her for two nights next week until she moves to the new place. My one editorial comment was that he obviously hadn't listened to my advice (have a safety plan,  know when to walk away). I was also directing that at her,  but she didn't pick up on it.