Potential closure, finally? Is she fishing...?

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

I have posted on this board a few times since the end of November. This message board is a treasure. Posting here and reading about the experiences of others has brought me back to earth every time  

Short summary of the r/s I've been in for just over 1 yr (uBPDxgf, diagnosed with Bipolar II)

*Smooth start with intensifying romantic feelings between us, with lots of "Oh! You're just like me!"-moments. You know how it works and how it evolves...
*Rough rough rough devaluation last winter. Jealousy followed by near paranoid thoughts about me and an ex gf, they never ceased
*She left me once every third month
*She assaulted me physically in July but we got back together in August
*Huge frightening meltdown in September (aggression turned towards self this time)
*She left me mid-November this year, a final one - I refused to apologize after being falsely accused of infidelity
*Silence from both of us. I initiated NC for the sake of my own health. No real reaching out from her except for a short blaming e-mail (the usual stuff I've been hearing during this year, nothing new... predictable contents) and then a week later, three words: "I miss you". I did not respond but the previous day I'd sent her the few belongings she had at my place. That probably made for an answer when she went to the post office after writing those three words

I'm having a real hard time detaching from this obviously toxic bond, and I regret to say I broke my NC-vow approx two weeks ago. A short e-mail where I basically wished us both luck in taking care of ourselves. Pangs of compassion. I also thought it would give ME some closure on MY part, being fair but concise and not giving any details away as for what I'm up to or how I am etc.

So. Yesterday night she e-mailed me (think she may have deleted my number, maybe seeing someone "new". No apologizes for all the hurt she's caused (and I didn't really expect that to happen). More or less a short update on how she is doing -
She's started taking meds for her Bipolar II and says it is "a huge step in the right direction". She misses me, her cat misses me (well now)... but she says she now feels it's right to take care of herself only since she really wants to learn how to cope with/take full responsibility for her own needs.

I care for this woman. And I have done so much for her - in return I've been blamed for not doing anything to help and support her. I don't know if she's still seeing her T (that was the DEAL when we got together again in August). I think she is. I do believe her when she says she wants and needs a change in her behaviour.

There seems to be some fishing though, her cat apparently suffered badly for a while after being sterilized, which may mean I then should feel sorry for my ex... Ok, of course I sympathize with her on that one, but since she writes nothing about MY feelings at all it seems she wants to be comforted because of these post-surgery complications. Et c.

So, my friends, is this an opportunity for me to get some kind of closure? I could say it's actually presented to me in this her latest e-mail. Maybe it's there right in front of me - she wants and needs to be alone. Right? I don't know if I need or want to answer this e-mail. I'm confused. I'm in the FOG. I'm thinking this is a healthier person writing me, and then I'm thinking - NO, this is the same unstable attention-seeking girl who threw me out every third month for my loving her.

My needs: Peace & calm. Healthy loving.

Would be very grateful for your input. I have not replied to her.

[Keef]

 

I have posted on this board a few times since the end of November. This message board is a treasure. Posting here and reading about the experiences of others has brought me back to earth every time  

Short summary of the r/s I've been in for just over 1 yr (uBPDxgf, diagnosed with Bipolar II)

*Smooth start with intensifying romantic feelings between us, with lots of "Oh! You're just like me!"-moments. You know how it works and how it evolves...
*Rough rough rough devaluation last winter. Jealousy followed by near paranoid thoughts about me and an ex gf, they never ceased
*She left me once every third month
*She assaulted me physically in July but we got back together in August
*Huge frightening meltdown in September (aggression turned towards self this time)
*She left me mid-November this year, a final one - I refused to apologize after being falsely accused of infidelity
*Silence from both of us. I initiated NC for the sake of my own health. No real reaching out from her except for a short blaming e-mail (the usual stuff I've been hearing during this year, nothing new... predictable contents) and then a week later, three words: "I miss you". I did not respond but the previous day I'd sent her the few belongings she had at my place. That probably made for an answer when she went to the post office after writing those three words

I'm having a real hard time detaching from this obviously toxic bond, and I regret to say I broke my NC-vow approx two weeks ago. A short e-mail where I basically wished us both luck in taking care of ourselves. Pangs of compassion. I also thought it would give ME some closure on MY part, being fair but concise and not giving any details away as for what I'm up to or how I am etc.

So. Yesterday night she e-mailed me (think she may have deleted my number, maybe seeing someone "new". No apologizes for all the hurt she's caused (and I didn't really expect that to happen). More or less a short update on how she is doing -
She's started taking meds for her Bipolar II and says it is "a huge step in the right direction". She misses me, her cat misses me (well now)... but she says she now feels it's right to take care of herself only since she really wants to learn how to cope with/take full responsibility for her own needs.

I care for this woman. And I have done so much for her - in return I've been blamed for not doing anything to help and support her. I don't know if she's still seeing her T (that was the DEAL when we got together again in August). I think she is. I do believe her when she says she wants and needs a change in her behaviour.

There seems to be some fishing though, her cat apparently suffered badly for a while after being sterilized, which may mean I then should feel sorry for my ex... Ok, of course I sympathize with her on that one, but since she writes nothing about MY feelings at all it seems she wants to be comforted because of these post-surgery complications. Et c.

So, my friends, is this an opportunity for me to get some kind of closure? I could say it's actually presented to me in this her latest e-mail. Maybe it's there right in front of me - she wants and needs to be alone. Right? I don't know if I need or want to answer this e-mail. I'm confused. I'm in the FOG. I'm thinking this is a healthier person writing me, and then I'm thinking - NO, this is the same unstable attention-seeking girl who threw me out every third month for my loving her.

My needs: Peace & calm. Healthy loving.

Would be very grateful for your input. I have not replied to her.

[once removed]

it sounds like this email was triggering, and

I'm thinking this is a healthier person writing me, and then I'm thinking - NO, this is the same unstable attention-seeking girl who threw me out every third month for my loving her.

this is your confusion. would it change something for you if she was a healthier person, or is this self doubt?

So, my friends, is this an opportunity for me to get some kind of closure?

... .

I don't know if I need or want to answer this e-mail.

i recommend whatever you do, sitting on it for a bit. it can wait. give some time for the feelings to subside. youll feel more certain about whatever you do.

as for closure, it really depends on what that looks like to you. is an amicable email exchange the closure you seek? you have obtained that. do you want more?

[Keef]

Thank you so much once removed. Those are some tough and relevant questions!
Yes, her e-mail did trigger a few emotions. Stirred up... .

would it change something for you if she was a healthier person, or is this self doubt?

Yes once removed, you're seeing my confusion. I can say it would change things for me if she now was a healthier person. But I do however see that as quite unlikely after such a short time, especially since she still doesn't acknowledge her own behaviour. And anyway, I can't really read in to her e-mail that she wants to start again/recycle the relationship. If you by "self doubt" mean that I yet don't know what to make out of this, then you're right. That's why I mention FOG. No fear really though, more guilt, and probably obligation too. And apart from that feelings of longing and memories of tenderness amidst the nightmare... .I guess I'm still longing for the Honeymoon to return with this woman, or atleast the peace we sometimes had. I want to heal but am afraid of properly confronting my loneliness, my future, and possible traits of co-dependency/people-pleasing (am seeing the T for the 3rd time after the Holidays).

You are right. There has been an amicable exchange of e-mails. And that potentially is closure. The r/s didn't work out, and it would look very different were we to start over again. Thanks, I'm going to sit on it and let my triggered emotions subside. Will let you know how it goes.

[jhkbuzz]

You are right. There has been an amicable exchange of e-mails. And that potentially is closure.

The ending of my r/s was so, so ugly - I couldn't wrap my head around it. How could a r/s that included so much love at one time (despite the dysfunction) end so horribly, so terribly, and leave such a gaping wound? The lack of closure, of resolution, ate at me for a long time.

The same type of email exchange happened with me about a year after the b/u. For me, it was closure. I could exit - finally and completely - on a gentler, healing tone. It helped me let go.

On a more basic level, parts of our exchange also reminded me why I was happy to be out of the r/s. There was no blame or anger, just the realization that, while I missed what we shared at the beginning of the r/s, I was miserable at the end and really didn't have any desire to rekindle anything.

[Happy1]

Keef,

It sounds as if you're both fishing a bit, which is sort of normal when ending a deep relationship, like this one sounds to be for you. In the common push/pull cycle of a BPD relationship you should expect that this sort of "charming" behavior will likely occur and occur again sometime later as well, at least until you've been completely replaced by someone new.

Allow yourself the freedom to give and declare closure for yourself without wanting to return to this person or the relationship. This is an important part of the process of beginning to heal yourself. In that process think about what you felt you got from this relationship and about what you didn't receive. This is where your own issues reside. The work toward your own happiness in life, for the time being, resides at the core of this (your) psychological space.

[Keef]

Happy2,

Yes, I agree we both seem to fish around a little here.

Thank you for your input. I am not surprised she’s written me after these two weeks of silence. As for me, I’ve been trying to get rid of the feelings of longing and sorrow, general melancholia and anxiety. It’s so hard. She’s with me in some sense every day. I’m so confused. How come I’m even thinking of answering? She treated me like crap every now and then, as you’ve read she even beat me up this summer. I understand the psychological mechanisms behind trauma bonding, which this probably is, but I can’t yet use that knowledge for really leaving this behind.

This is an important part of the process of beginning to heal yourself. In that process think about what you felt you got from this relationship and about what you didn't receive. This is where your own issues reside.

Thinking of the above it’s obvious that I let her walk all over me at times, I didn’t at all have firm boundaries when we started off the r/s. This is an issue of mine, poor boundaries.

The work toward your own happiness in life, for the time being, resides at the core of this (your) psychological space.

So if I get you right, my task is now to work on my boundaries in everyday life [until I again feel ready to get romantically involved with someone]?

[once removed]

i suspect any message she could have sent would have been triggering. things are pretty raw.

thats to be expected, i think. it sounds like youre pretty clear headed, reflective and honest, and working through this thoughtfully. every second might feel like an eternity, but that will serve you well.

[Keef]

Thank you jhkbuzz,

This makes sense to me:

The same type of email exchange happened with me about a year after the b/u. For me, it was closure. I could exit - finally and completely - on a gentler, healing tone. It helped me let go.

I guess that's where I'm at. Too early to detach emotionally in an easy way, but here is a chance anyway to let go, as you say, "on a gentler, healing tone". I like that. Not rubbing salt in the wounds from either direction.

[Keef]

Thanks once removed. Yes, the wounds are still open, anything would have triggered me. That's why have stayed in very low contact with her. For both of us. Therefore I'm going to really see this as the end of our relationship. There is no point in trying to reengage. I'm not looking for drama, I want to heal and get to know myself better after all of this.

it sounds like youre pretty clear headed [... .] and working through this thoughtfully. every second might feel like an eternity, but that will serve you well.

yes, it does feel like it's never going to pass. I have to sort of laugh about it... .it's such a mess. Trying to be honest to myself, to my nearest involved, and even though my ex knows nothing of me now, to her as well. Closure time. Love combined with this kind of mental illness, what a sad sad thing :-//

[Happy1]

So if I get you right, my task is now to work on my boundaries in everyday life [until I again feel ready to get romantically involved with someone]?

Sure, I think this is an excellent place to start.