Taking a breath but really need advice...

[obliv326]

So, like most everyone here, I've had a pretty rocky relationship with someone I really care about. I've posted a lot about t here and won't rehash all of it now, but I've kind of reached a place where I can take a breath and see where I am. Having read many of the stories here I think I'm pretty lucky. After a really rocky Spring, and a summer where we weren't speaking, she reached out and made contact. We've been in somewhat regular contact ever since then, and a really really big step was taken last week.

During the time when we were in a relationship, she lived several states away, and as if that weren't enough, she kept things pretty strictly at a texting level. I didn't get her phone number for months. I saw her in person once exactly a year ago today, and that was with her best friend chaperoning. It was a big deal and eventually led to a lot of frustration and arguments. Well, last Friday, we went out for drinks for the first time just the two of us. It was a little awkward, and she was nervous, but I'd say that is to be expected when there is over a year building up to it. But I think we would both say that we had a good time.

I didn't hear from her for a few days, then reached on Tuesday just to see how she was and to say I had a good time. I try to keep all of my texting to her light hearted and fun. A lot of jokes or observations that I think will get a smile. I got a message back that she had broken the screen on her phone (I believe it. She showed me that the screen was almost broken when we were together) and I haven't heard much from her since then... .and that's okay. It is the holidays, and I know she's busy. And for all I know the phone is 100% dead at this point anyway, so I'm trying to just not worry and take it easy.

The hard parts are:

I remember last year. Things might have been as good as ever this time last year. The problem was that I found out she had done some inappropriate things before she flew back, and I accosted her with it. At first she denied it, but on New Year's Eve she came clean and told me, probably due to the influence of a lot of drinks. I actually think I handled it well that night. I didn't get angry, but I did say I wanted to talk about it the next day. Of course, she refused to meet one New Year's Day, and things never really got as good after that. I think that's when I split for her and became someone negative in her mind.

I think about the fact that she told me, and what this means in retrospect. And also about the fact that she contacted me everyday. It might have just been a single text, but it was something. I might realistically go a month before she reaches out again. While I know that, with the knowledge I had then, I actually handled things pretty well, and it was the fact that she didn't react in an expected way that caused me all the confusion, it's hard not to beat myself up for what happened. I know I did the best I could, but I wish I'd learned about BPD sooner.

Which leaves me where I am now. SHe reached out and made contact, and told me that I had not been forgotten and that I was still on her mind. Contact now is sporadic but fairly regular. She went a month between texts right after we first talked, but we haven't gone more than a week since. I usually initiate contact, but she has a few times as well, so it doesn't seem like I'm doing all the work, I suppose. Still, it's a steep drop off from every day, which is what I had before.

I kind of think now that she might be withdrawing just a bit for the time being because meeting in person was such a big step for her. Of course, in my brain, I'm thinking that maybe she's decided she wasn't interested after actually hanging out, but I don't think that's the case. I think there's just too much between us now for either of us to walk away from. Plus, if I'm 100% honest, I'm a damn good catch! But still, it's hard not to parse every word I said to see if I did anything really dumb (I don't think so. There was a lot of pressure on us both after such a long build up but I remember her smiling a lot and it was very positive when we left).

In past posts, I've been told that it sounded like she was dealing with engulfment, and that makes sense. I mean, again, we talked every day, she leaned on me a lot for support, and we were extremely emotionally close. This seems to be why  she kept me at a distance above and beyond the several hundred miles that were between us. That being the case, I can see how taking this step might make her want to push me away a little. I don't think it's permanent, but I do miss her. I try not to overwhelm her with texts. I just write every so often and if she doesn't respond I don't comment on it or get upset. I just wait until she does, but that wait really isn't fun at all, and it's hard not to take it personally.

And I just really miss how much we used to communicate. I'd write her long emails and she would reply, often telling me how much she liked long messages. Now, anything longer than three sentences probably won't get answered because it stresses her out.

So I guess my question is what am I to her, and what should I do? She told me last week that she had stopped dating for a few months to concentrate on a few things, which is good. She had been meeting guys online, and while none of them worked out, I didn't really like it. While we are clearly not "an item" yet, I'm also pretty sure she isn't pushing for "just friends"... .back when we stopped talking she said that she would say we should be friends but she knew that was just stupid, so I don't think she expects me to accept that role in her life. I wouldn't anyway, but she never brought that up or even hinted at it, so I don't know exactly what to do or expect.

I was maybe going to reach out on New Years and tell her that despite all the water under the bridge, I think she's even more amazing that I did when we met, and I'm really glad she's back, but of course I'm still on eggshells and not sure if that would cause even more engulfment?

I suppose I just have to leave everything up to her? I hate that because I want to strike while the iron is hot, but I know in this instance that's a bad thing? Expressions of feelings were never something that seemed to be comfortable for her, even good ones. So I guess I just sit back, grit my teeth, and wait? I feel like anything I do can only screw things up.

Thanks in advance

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

So, what did you decide to do, if anything?