UBPDxw really has changed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 As I've posted in the past Xw really hated my family. No matter how good a man I was to her it meant nothing. Xw was relentless in her attacks on my family and relentless in asking me what I was going to do about my family. My family had nothing against Xw but they knew the vicious things she said about them and didn't want anything to do with Xw. Holidays were terrible times in our r/s. People would ask us to visit, I would say to Xw lets go visit, some friends asked us to come over, Xw would get rude and say, you don't see these people all year and all of a sudden you want to visit them over Xmas. Everything I did or said was met with some kind of condescending, rude, ignorant remark. Like I posted before, I use to pretend I was asleep so I wouldn't have to talk to her, our house was a very unhappy place. I don't know why she married me. Today I pick s10 up for Xmas access and he tells me he went visiting with his mother and her live in BF to visit his parents and brother. This is there second Xmas. Our second Xmas was the usual night mare and we didn't visit my family or any friends I wanted to visit. It was only ever her family. Xw has changed. She is more out going, visiting, doing lots of things with he BF. Xw knew how much I wanted a family and took it away from my with pleasure and now makes it a family with her BF. I am hung up on this Bc I don't know if I was the total problem or if she just changed gears for a different r/s. Xw was so belittling towards me and things I liked, always on the quick to put me down, viewed me as weak. Her BF is a big powerful man, he would tell her to take a flying leap if she tried the things with him that she did to me. He is very close to his family. Maybe that's the kind of person Xw respects, maybe I should of been more tough and less pacifist. It's totally over, I do not want her or miss her but she made this whole new life and family and I keep trying to figure what he has that I don't. I drove truck, she hated truck drivers, her BF is Acadian and she hates Frenchman. I guess we have that in common she hates what me and her BF are.

[bus boy]

 As I've posted in the past Xw really hated my family. No matter how good a man I was to her it meant nothing. Xw was relentless in her attacks on my family and relentless in asking me what I was going to do about my family. My family had nothing against Xw but they knew the vicious things she said about them and didn't want anything to do with Xw. Holidays were terrible times in our r/s. People would ask us to visit, I would say to Xw lets go visit, some friends asked us to come over, Xw would get rude and say, you don't see these people all year and all of a sudden you want to visit them over Xmas. Everything I did or said was met with some kind of condescending, rude, ignorant remark. Like I posted before, I use to pretend I was asleep so I wouldn't have to talk to her, our house was a very unhappy place. I don't know why she married me. Today I pick s10 up for Xmas access and he tells me he went visiting with his mother and her live in BF to visit his parents and brother. This is there second Xmas. Our second Xmas was the usual night mare and we didn't visit my family or any friends I wanted to visit. It was only ever her family. Xw has changed. She is more out going, visiting, doing lots of things with he BF. Xw knew how much I wanted a family and took it away from my with pleasure and now makes it a family with her BF. I am hung up on this Bc I don't know if I was the total problem or if she just changed gears for a different r/s. Xw was so belittling towards me and things I liked, always on the quick to put me down, viewed me as weak. Her BF is a big powerful man, he would tell her to take a flying leap if she tried the things with him that she did to me. He is very close to his family. Maybe that's the kind of person Xw respects, maybe I should of been more tough and less pacifist. It's totally over, I do not want her or miss her but she made this whole new life and family and I keep trying to figure what he has that I don't. I drove truck, she hated truck drivers, her BF is Acadian and she hates Frenchman. I guess we have that in common she hates what me and her BF are.

[gotbushels]

I am hung up on this Bc I don't know if I was the total problem or if she just changed gears for a different r/s. Xw was so belittling towards me and things I liked, always on the quick to put me down, viewed me as weak.

... .

Her BF is a big powerful man, he would tell her to take a flying leap if she tried the things with him that she did to me. He is very close to his family. Maybe that's the kind of person Xw respects, maybe I should of been more tough and less pacifist. It's totally over, I do not want her or miss her but she made this whole new life and family and I keep trying to figure what he has that I don't.

Hi bus boy

When we observe our exs to be doing things that we want to do, I think it adds to our sense of loss. While some amount of self-questioning can be healthy, I'd use caution in going down this road to start questioning and comparing your perceived deficiencies. If you focus on this and how you compare with her ex, I don't think it does anything particularly useful for you at this stage.

You're not alone when you describe wanting time with your own family, then having the a possibility of that time with a specific person taken away. It's alright. 

I encourage you to be careful about looking too harshly upon yourself and starting back-and-forth comparisons from that. To me, part of being in the FOG is when the pwBPD gets us thinking so much about our own possible problems that it detracts attention from what is real--and what's not.

I hope you're feeling better.