Family Estrangement Article

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just thought I'd share this article I came across because I know many here are Estranged from a BPD Family member or are very low contact... .My SO's daughters are both very low contact with their uBPDmom.

(I couldn't get the link to the article to work so I've copied it here (long enough to be in 2 parts)

*****************************************************************************************

Why Family Estrangement Is Roughest at the Holidays
Severed ties and communication between parents and adult children is common

December 21, 2016
By Shayla Stern

When you’re about to ask a friend or a colleague whether they’re going home for the holidays this week, think twice.

The holidays — so often tied to family and tangled in questions of going home — are not always so happy when you are estranged from a parent or child. They’re even more difficult when well-meaning types push you to bury the hatchet for the sake of peace in this theoretically joyous season.

Defining Estrangement

Kristina Scharp, an assistant professor at Utah State University and director of the Family Communication Lab there, has published extensively about parent-child estrangement. She defines estrangement as occurring when at least one family member voluntarily and intentionally distances himself or herself from another because of an ongoing negative relationship. And she notes that estrangement is complicated for the people experiencing it.

“Sometimes estrangement means a clean break, a fight and that’s it, but it can also be a chaotic disassociation, a relationship that’s on and off again over the years,” Scharp explained.

Estrangement is not simply needing to distance oneself from a parent and not coming home for the holidays one year, added Leah Bryant, an associate professor from DePaul University who teaches Family Communication and the Dark Side of Human Relationships.

“There’s a difference between wanting a hiatus or wanting space for awhile and deciding that your life would be better without them,” Bryant said.

How Estrangement Happens

Bryant notes that estrangement is not usually a mutual process, and the circumstances depend on who is doing the estranging.

“With adult children, it is often based on prolonged psychologically damaging interactions — mistreatment, abuse or just indifference — with their parents, and they finally have the fortitude to put some distance between themselves or sever that relationship,” Bryant said.

There is an idealized image of what families are like, and it’s a reminder now that the family is broken and they worry that maybe they themselves are broken.
— Professor Leah Bryant, DePaul University

Parents often don’t know why their child is estranged from them, though most people have heard stories about children of narcissistic moms who severed ties or “casually cruel” parents who severed for their own sanity and self- preservation as well as that of their loved ones. Scholars point out that this type of estrangement is sometimes healthy for both people in the relationship.

“A lot of parents have no idea why their grown children don’t talk to them anymore, and it’s devastating to them,” said Scharp. “It’s this weird thing where it feels terrible, but it’s probably also helpful because often, the other person (parent or child) might not be good for them.”

Although there are varied reasons cited for parents severing ties with their adult children, Bryant said much of the research cites parental disapproval of their child’s love interest or sexuality. In these cases, the estrangement can become mutual, she said.

Coping With Estrangement

As difficult as it might be to believe, both scholars pointed out that estrangement is often a good outcome for the family members in estranged relationships.

“Estrangement is often a healthy solution to an unhealthy environment,” Scharp explained. However, it can be difficult to come to terms with placing intentional distance between yourself and your family, she said.

Part of this comes from guilt from people who are estranged.

“They’ll think, ‘What kind of person doesn’t love their mother? Or what kind of person is not loved by their mother?’ ‘Am I a bad person? Are they bad people?’” Scharp said.

In many cases, she said, maintaining estrangement is difficult because a person is overtaken by guilt for not being with his or her family. In those cases, the person might attempt to communicate or even reconcile with family. Often, though, the same problems that drove them apart the first time will resurface and they will become estranged again.

Scharp said that participants in her research have often found ways to construct an alternative to family to make up for the fact that they are no longer in touch with their own. “Many people with estranged family relationships build their own family with friends and others who they surround themselves with,” she said. “Often, they won’t even think of the estranged family as their real family.”

One woman who participated in her study said of her mother: “I don’t even call her ‘Mom’ anymore. She’s just Sara. She’s been stripped of that title for me.”

Keep Your Good Intentions to Yourself

Much of the guilt that estranged people feel about not being with family stems from a cultural notion of what family is. Narratives about family are taught very early in life, Scharp points out. “Everyone knows the sayings: ‘Blood is thicker than water’ and ‘A family is forever,” she added.

“There is an idealized image of what families are like,  and it’s a constant reminder now that the family is broken, and they worry that maybe they themselves are broken,” Bryant said. “But estrangement is so common and people just don’t talk about it. It’s very normal and every day.”

In fact, one research study cited by Scharp noted that 12 percent of parent-child relationships in the U.S. are estranged. That’s likely a conservative estimate because the study looked only at mothers and daughters. Another study said parent-child estrangement is nearly as common as divorce in some segments of American society, Scharp said.

Estrangement might seem rare because estranged people are sometimes embarrassed to discuss their severed relationship or have simply moved on and don’t speak of the person from whom they’re estranged, Bryant said.

“Once you make the decision not to have that relationship anymore, you aren’t going to talk about that relationship anymore,“ sh

[Panda39]

Just thought I'd share this article I came across because I know many here are Estranged from a BPD Family member or are very low contact... .My SO's daughters are both very low contact with their uBPDmom.

(I couldn't get the link to the article to work so I've copied it here (long enough to be in 2 parts)

*****************************************************************************************

Why Family Estrangement Is Roughest at the Holidays
Severed ties and communication between parents and adult children is common

December 21, 2016
By Shayla Stern

When you’re about to ask a friend or a colleague whether they’re going home for the holidays this week, think twice.

The holidays — so often tied to family and tangled in questions of going home — are not always so happy when you are estranged from a parent or child. They’re even more difficult when well-meaning types push you to bury the hatchet for the sake of peace in this theoretically joyous season.

Defining Estrangement

Kristina Scharp, an assistant professor at Utah State University and director of the Family Communication Lab there, has published extensively about parent-child estrangement. She defines estrangement as occurring when at least one family member voluntarily and intentionally distances himself or herself from another because of an ongoing negative relationship. And she notes that estrangement is complicated for the people experiencing it.

“Sometimes estrangement means a clean break, a fight and that’s it, but it can also be a chaotic disassociation, a relationship that’s on and off again over the years,” Scharp explained.

Estrangement is not simply needing to distance oneself from a parent and not coming home for the holidays one year, added Leah Bryant, an associate professor from DePaul University who teaches Family Communication and the Dark Side of Human Relationships.

“There’s a difference between wanting a hiatus or wanting space for awhile and deciding that your life would be better without them,” Bryant said.

How Estrangement Happens

Bryant notes that estrangement is not usually a mutual process, and the circumstances depend on who is doing the estranging.

“With adult children, it is often based on prolonged psychologically damaging interactions — mistreatment, abuse or just indifference — with their parents, and they finally have the fortitude to put some distance between themselves or sever that relationship,” Bryant said.

There is an idealized image of what families are like, and it’s a reminder now that the family is broken and they worry that maybe they themselves are broken.
— Professor Leah Bryant, DePaul University

Parents often don’t know why their child is estranged from them, though most people have heard stories about children of narcissistic moms who severed ties or “casually cruel” parents who severed for their own sanity and self- preservation as well as that of their loved ones. Scholars point out that this type of estrangement is sometimes healthy for both people in the relationship.

“A lot of parents have no idea why their grown children don’t talk to them anymore, and it’s devastating to them,” said Scharp. “It’s this weird thing where it feels terrible, but it’s probably also helpful because often, the other person (parent or child) might not be good for them.”

Although there are varied reasons cited for parents severing ties with their adult children, Bryant said much of the research cites parental disapproval of their child’s love interest or sexuality. In these cases, the estrangement can become mutual, she said.

Coping With Estrangement

As difficult as it might be to believe, both scholars pointed out that estrangement is often a good outcome for the family members in estranged relationships.

“Estrangement is often a healthy solution to an unhealthy environment,” Scharp explained. However, it can be difficult to come to terms with placing intentional distance between yourself and your family, she said.

Part of this comes from guilt from people who are estranged.

“They’ll think, ‘What kind of person doesn’t love their mother? Or what kind of person is not loved by their mother?’ ‘Am I a bad person? Are they bad people?’” Scharp said.

In many cases, she said, maintaining estrangement is difficult because a person is overtaken by guilt for not being with his or her family. In those cases, the person might attempt to communicate or even reconcile with family. Often, though, the same problems that drove them apart the first time will resurface and they will become estranged again.

Scharp said that participants in her research have often found ways to construct an alternative to family to make up for the fact that they are no longer in touch with their own. “Many people with estranged family relationships build their own family with friends and others who they surround themselves with,” she said. “Often, they won’t even think of the estranged family as their real family.”

One woman who participated in her study said of her mother: “I don’t even call her ‘Mom’ anymore. She’s just Sara. She’s been stripped of that title for me.”

Keep Your Good Intentions to Yourself

Much of the guilt that estranged people feel about not being with family stems from a cultural notion of what family is. Narratives about family are taught very early in life, Scharp points out. “Everyone knows the sayings: ‘Blood is thicker than water’ and ‘A family is forever,” she added.

“There is an idealized image of what families are like,  and it’s a constant reminder now that the family is broken, and they worry that maybe they themselves are broken,” Bryant said. “But estrangement is so common and people just don’t talk about it. It’s very normal and every day.”

In fact, one research study cited by Scharp noted that 12 percent of parent-child relationships in the U.S. are estranged. That’s likely a conservative estimate because the study looked only at mothers and daughters. Another study said parent-child estrangement is nearly as common as divorce in some segments of American society, Scharp said.

Estrangement might seem rare because estranged people are sometimes embarrassed to discuss their severed relationship or have simply moved on and don’t speak of the person from whom they’re estranged, Bryant said.

“Once you make the decision not to have that relationship anymore, you aren’t going to talk about that relationship anymore,“ sh

[Panda39]

The rest of the article... .

Why Estrangement Bothers the Rest of Us
So, why do we get so upset to hear about estrangement between parents and kids?

Scharp pointed out that the topic of family is personal and emotional — and no one likes to see what they perceive as a tragic ending to a relationship.

“Feelings about family are so overwhelming. People in these kinds of relationships get advice to reconcile all the time because outsiders just feel like the situation is so sad,” Scharp said. “Culturally, we have a hard time swallowing estrangement.”

Often, friends and others with good intentions can’t help but push for them to reconcile, but Scharp advises they hold themselves back.

“You would never tell an abuse victim — like an abused spouse in a domestic violence case — that they should give their spouse another chance. But in a lot of cases, that is what people do with those who they know are estranged and they don’ t have any understanding of the situation,” Scharp said.

But we should know — especially over the holiday season — that estranged relationships are complicated for the people who experience them. Scharp said we should try to respect estranged people’s privacy and intentions.

“The people who participated in my research often said, ‘We don’t want to be reconciled, and I don’t want to tell you why I’m estranged.’ And this is often a healthy decision for them,” said Scharp.


Panda39

[Turkish]

Due to the increased security on the site,  it works to use goggle shortener for links.

https://bitly.com/

Like so:

https://bit.ly/2GHIs9k

FYI to the membership in general.  

[survivorof2]

Thanks for posting this article. Every year for the past 12 years, I've been the recipient of family shunning at holidays and birthdays. My father, mother, 2 sisters, and nieces and nephews. Some of the years, even my 2 adult children have participated in the shunning. They all have to do with one another generally throughout the year, including birthdays and holidays. My mom died a few months ago without breaking her silence towards me. I had hoped that now that she's gone, the rest of the family would finally accept me as a family member, but that hasn't happened. My Mom's legacy is strong in the family. Lies, physical abuse, verbal abuse and sexual abuse were what she poured out on me until I was 42 years old. When the police were involved to get me away from her and get help, family contact was severed first by me for my safety and sanity while I healed. But as the years went by, and I healed little by little,  I reached out with holiday cards, gifts,etc. But the replies were deafening silence. I feel almost physical pain when during the holidays and birthdays others speak of their family get togethers. I don't understand and feel like punishment is ongoing. Tomorrow is my birthday and once again, I expect to be ignored. Then when I see others, I'll be asked how my holidays were, and I'll be able to tell from their faces they really aren't interested, but just want to brag about theirs.
Because my mom is now dead, it is bittersweet. Sweet because my main abuser/tormentor is no longer alive, and bitter because I lost the chance for any healing or love from her.
So I endure another Christmas holiday, birthday, and New years shunned by cruel people who I happen to be related to.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for posting this article Panda39  I find it very interesting and the author makes a lot of good points. I like how she starts with first defining what estranges is and then goes on to how it develops and how people cope with it.

Many of our members are indeed estranged or very LC with certain family-members and this article might be helpful to them. I myself do still have contact with my uBPD mom and sis, but have been NC with my narcissistic, condescending and rage-filled brother for many years now.

Your own stepdaughters are very low contact with their mother. I know from your past posts how they have been disappointed by their mother. How are your stepdaughters coping with this LC, especially now during the holidays?

[Kwamina]

Hi survivorof2,

Welcome back here

You have been through a lot and I am very sorry your mother subjected you to all those forms of abuse. I am glad you've been able to start healing yourself, are you still getting help with this?

Because my mom is now dead, it is bittersweet. Sweet because my main abuser/tormentor is no longer alive, and bitter because I lost the chance for any healing or love from her.

After a lifetime of abuse, I can understand why on the one hand you would feel a sort of relief that the person who has caused you so much pain is gone. Yet on the other hand, this indeed also means letting go of the little hope you might have still had that one day your mother would turn into the loving fantasy mother she unfortunately never was. Accepting this reality and mourning the loss of the childhood and parent we never had, isn't easy. We have a thread here about grieving our losses that you might find helpful: Grieving Our Losses

So I endure another Christmas holiday, birthday, and New years shunned by cruel people who I happen to be related to.

The holidays are tough for many of our members. You in the past have reached out to your family-members with holiday cards and gifts, but have gotten no response. Have you ever talked with any of them about what has happened and why they treat you the way they do?

Have any of your family-members ever expressed to you how they viewed your mother and the abuse she put you through?

I am glad that you are reaching out for support here as you deal with all of this  We aren't your real family, but we are an online family connected through shared experiences which allows us to comfort each other.

Take care and Happy Birthday in advance!  

The Board Parrot