When Taking Space to Recover from Abusive Behavior Perceived as Abandonment

[Kerian]

My first time posting here.  I'd like feedback on how to be able to take space when things gets abusive, and I need to protect myself, without it being viewed as abandonment. No matter how I explain and we acknowledge that agreed upon boundaries have been broken, and this is the previously agreed to consequence, it is taken as me abandoning my partner.  As a free choice of mine that has nothing to do with the recent abusive behavior.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[schwing]

There isn't anything you can do to alter a person with BPD (pwBPD)'s perception of abandonment (real or imagined).  You cannot change how they feel any more than they can regulate/temper their feelings.  As I understand it, this is an aspect of their disorder.

The best you can do when taking space away from your BPD partner is to make it as predictable and consistent as possible.  Afterwards, when your BPD partner sees that you have not in fact left them, then they can see that you did not abandon them.  However, they will reserve the right to perceive abandonment whether or not you intend for them to feel thus - and hold it against you.

And as I understand this disorder, what makes this aspect more confounding is that the more you try to make them feel secure, the more you try to demonstrate your commitment and love, the more likely they are to feel/perceive abandonment (real or imagined).

Best wishes,

Schwing