Feeling torn

[Monarch72]

Hi, I've just been looking for a place to find support & vent as my sadness, worries, confusion, are feeling too much to keep carrying. My 72yo mother most likely has BPD (has not sought psych help her entire life so no dx). I'm a mom of two kids with autism and a nurse. Have tried life long to meet my mothers controlling demands, heard what a horrible daughter I am (only good when others are around & she's trying to impress them with something). Moved overseas 4yrs ago and still kept her in touch with my kids and organised her trips to visit here, she's never happy, nothing is ever enough. I went home in Sept to visit & it was another disaster but this time I couldn't take anymore as my own kids issues with ASD are exhausting enough. My husband had to remove her from our vacation cottage and I've gone no contact. She still emails guilt inducing stuff but hasn't once apologised or said she loves me. Only how awful I am to do this. I feel so hurt realising how much my own mom dislikes me & how hated I am yet feel guilt that she's alone and getting older alone & obviously sad for herself. The pain doesn't stop and no one around me can understand it.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Monarch72. I'm glad you decided to join us. Thanks for your post.

You've found a place where people do understand your pain. If it helps, it might be true that your mother doesn't like you, but it's not because of who you are. It's because of her disorder--in reality it's nothing to do with you. People with BPD are prone to  Splitting others all-good or all-bad. How did you find out about BPD--do you have a therapist for support?

I have not seen or spoken directly with my mother for about 6 years, and I understand how difficult it can be to come to that decision. There is a lot of grieving to be done. My parents are in their 70s also and I know they are sad I have not changed my mind about the level of contact we have. I feel sad for them, too, and at the same time I know their happiness and unhappiness aren't caused by me. My mother was unhappy before I existed, and as soon as I did she both blamed me for her unhappiness and expected me to change it for her. As an adult, I learned I can choose to be happy whether or not she is. My mood does not have to be dependent on hers. It is important to me to feel safe and invite people into my life who treat me with respect, and taking care of those values has given me a lot of freedom to heal and grow. The Survivor's Guide in the right-hand margin can be a helpful guide in that process, too.

I know it would feel good to hear an apology and an "I love you" from your mother. I've wanted those things from my parents, too. The truth is, if your mother has BPD, she might never be able or willing to resolve the conflict that way. It might be necessary to come up with some other ways to meet the needs she can't. It sounds like you do a lot of caretaking for others in your career and at home. What kinds of things do you do to show love to yourself?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Monarch72:

I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom.  It is understandable that you have your hands full with caring for your children.  You can't be responsible for your mom's feelings.  You can't change her.  The only thing you can control is how you interact with and react to your mom.

Click on the green words to read some information on Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) , and  BOUNDARIES.  You should find the information helpful.

There are, also, several links to the right of this post.  They lead to additional information that will be helpful for you.

My situation is with an undiagnosed BPD sister (uBPD).  There are many others here who can relate to a borderline mom, so you will definitely find caring people who understand.

It can take some practice, but setting boundaries and using various COMMUNICATION SKILLS, it can make things better for you. Boundaries are for you benefit and well being.

It is okay to take a break from interacting with your mom.  Some people go back and forth between no contact (NC) or limited contact (LC).  The choice is yours.  Your mom has choices too.  She can choose to get some counseling and when boundaries are set, she can choose to comply or not.  She owns the outcome.

Check out some of the links. You will likely have questions, so come back and continue discussing your situation and how to use some of the skills. 

[Monarch72]

Thank you for your replies. It helps more than you know, being able to finally connect with others who understand. I think I am driving my husband crazy with my tears and pain that has come to a head recently after going NC. Yes, as you said part of the pain is in realizing who she is, and just how little is there of the mother I needed, no love, no caring, empathy. Realizing just how nasty she can be. The other is in the guilt that comes and goes. She is sending emails (I have now blocked her) to cause guilt. Or add to it. One was from a nurse practitioner who actually saw her once and wrote me a letter to say that my mother has no mental issues other than needing contact with her family who won't talk to her (me)! Then an email to my husband to say how she would never cut someone out of her life for any reason and I am so horrible to do such a thing. Logically, I know my reasons, I know the NP was probably bamboozled by my mother's tears and sob story. Still, it hurts every single email. It does make me feel like an awful person.

She is not diagnosed officially, however, my good friend married a cousin of mine and this friend is also a psychiatric nurse. She has now been around my mother at family functions and is the one who put a name to my life long struggles with my mom. She said, "you know your mother has BPD?". I then read up on it and my chin hit the floor! It was all as though I could have written it all. The boundary violations (hacking my email, facebook accounts and other stuff), the selfishness, lack of love and nurturing, on and on. So, I am new on this journey and sorting through a lot of grief and guilt. I am so thankful for this site and will read up on the links you have both recommended. Thanks very much.

[drained1996]

Hi Monarch72,



I wanted to join PF and Nibbler in welcoming you to the family.  I can wholeheartedly relate to your situation... .my mother is 83 and also suffers from some undiagnosed PD (most likely BPD).  I'm never good enough, even at the age of 44... .and I know in her eyes I will never be... .and I'm ok with that.
That's her issue, not mine anymore.
You've been given some great information to look over, and I'll add one that has helped me in dealing with my mother (and others in life).  Radical Acceptance has helped center my perspective on my mother and who she is in my life.  Here is a link, read the thread part (don't click on the green words at the beginning first)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0
Keep sharing, you've found the right place!  We are here to walk with you.