Why am I still in love?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been turned inside out and upside down by a BPD relationship. She has almost ruined every bit of who I was. I don't like who I am now. But I love her. I miss her. It stupid. I pray every day that this feeling will go away. It doesn't.
She gets mad and stops talking to me, yelling horrible things at me, blocking me from everything, then in 5 days acts like nothing happened. And I'm still reeling. Still bleeding, still broken. I am a shell of who I was and can't seem to walk away. She's capeable of anything. She stops at nothing to get my attention.
How and when does it stop?

[Weary1402]

I have been turned inside out and upside down by a BPD relationship. She has almost ruined every bit of who I was. I don't like who I am now. But I love her. I miss her. It stupid. I pray every day that this feeling will go away. It doesn't.
She gets mad and stops talking to me, yelling horrible things at me, blocking me from everything, then in 5 days acts like nothing happened. And I'm still reeling. Still bleeding, still broken. I am a shell of who I was and can't seem to walk away. She's capeable of anything. She stops at nothing to get my attention.
How and when does it stop?

[JerryRG]

The best most logical explanation I've come to accept is that we fell in love with ourselves during the love bombing phase of the relationship. They mirrored to us the perfect partner, our soul mate. It was a lie, deception but not deliberate on thier part. It is all they know, survival is all they are interested in because they are not whole and need someone else to make them feel complete.

Things will grow clearer as the fog lifts, keep walking into the light of truth

[Confused#9999]

The best most logical explanation I've come to accept is that we fell in love with ourselves during the love bombing phase of the relationship. They mirrored to us the perfect partner, our soul mate. It was a lie, deception but not deliberate on thier part. It is all they know, survival is all they are interested in because they are not whole and need someone else to make them feel complete.

Things will grow clearer as the fog lifts, keep walking into the light of truth

Mine never really mirrored me to the full extent. Yes there were times when she was nice and did things I did for her, but never 100%. It was always a push-pull game from pretty much week one. I stayed because I wanted to "save her" and show her how much she can be loved etc etc etc, and other bull... it reasons. Always focused on her mood and emotional state. So it's possible you fell in love, but how can a person without issues love someone who treats us bad? Not possible, so I felt just as confused about that and crazy. Alan Robarge on YouTube has vidoes that explain that dynamic very well. Good luck.

[Freeatlast_1]

I feel the same. It felt like love but now 3 months after the breakup, I don't think it was. I just wanted someone to fill a hole inside me. She did a great job at that, I loved the attention. I think that's confused with "love". I remember at times I wanted out asap... .I left her multiple times because of her distorted character. It hit me hard when she left and moved on to someone else because it's an ego thing with me... .nevertheless still tough. I am struggling because I am blocked from everything with her... .my ego is injured for sure... .I feel very vindictive.

[Confused#9999]

I feel the same. It felt like love but now 3 months after the breakup, I don't think it was. I just wanted someone to fill a hole inside me. She did a great job at that, I loved the attention. I think that's confused with "love". I remember at times I wanted out asap... .I left her multiple times because of her distorted character. It hit me hard when she left and moved on to someone else because it's an ego thing with me... .nevertheless still tough. I am struggling because I am blocked from everything with her... .my ego is injured for sure... .I feel very vindictive.

As hard as it is, try to ignore. Who cares what she's up to. It's just a repeating cycle for them. Her past history should have been my first and only red flag.

[valet]

Hey Weary, what do you mean when you say that you are in love? Can you describe that feeling more?

[kentavr3]

Man, this is not love. You an call it neurotic relationship or better - codependency. Remember  that love brings happiness. Your love brings pain. The first stage moved you up. It called heroin emotions. Once she stopped you with emotional heroin, you smashed down. Now you gonna sell your soul for this short moment. I remember myself in this stage. Horrible! Do not catch her hooks anymore. She will continue charming you. now you are her emotional supply.

[Weary1402]

I guess I am calling my feelings love because I think about her all the time. I want her to be okay. I worry about her. I enjoy her when she is happy. She is irresistible to me. She is the first one I want to share things with and go places with. I miss her next to me. The town I live in is so full of memories of her.

[Duped 1]

Weary I feel the same way after coldly being discarded 3 mos ago and everything reminds me of her. She replaced me immediately after repeatedly saying that would never happen. It's awful and it's all about them. It's clearly an addiction but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm still struggling mightily but seeing some subtle improvement.

[Weary1402]

I haven't been replaced yet. She still wants us to be together but she is so abusive and toxic. That will be very hard for me when it happens, it's definitely her pattern. I was just stupid enough to believe I could rescue her. I have just been through so much of a nightmare that I am the one pulling away. Which usually brings lots of horrible things. I feel like I'm caught in a horror movie.

[Monty]

Hey Weary, counseling was the turning point for me. Admittedly, I went into it to fix myself so that I could win her back. As a result of my toxic relationship, I was convinced that I had some major mental problems that were preventing us from having a successful relationship. I was willing to do anything to get that relationship back, even go through counseling, which I really didn't believe in at that time.

My counselor, bless him, helped me deal with the pain of the breakup and loss of idealized love and pointed me in the right direction for helping myself regain all that I lost in that relationship including my pride, dignity, and self respect.

Have you consider counseling? --Monty

[kentavr3]

Yes. They gaslight you  that you are not normal. This is their normal tactic. Happened to me too. It took me 2 years to understand it and do not feel myself  wrong anymore.

[Confused#9999]

Weary I feel the same way after coldly being discarded 3 mos ago and everything reminds me of her. She replaced me immediately after repeatedly saying that would never happen. It's awful and it's all about them. It's clearly an addiction but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm still struggling mightily but seeing some subtle improvement.

The way they move on is so messed up, but hurts so much. Dealing with the same thing. It's like none of things we did happened to her. They flip a switch and things never happened in their mind. We're stuck thinking of the good times and feeling those feelings again,that keep us thinking about them so much.

[Duped 1]

I agree Confused. It's like she's barely human. The lack of compassion and humanity is downright scary. I've never seen anything like it.

[Confused#9999]

I agree Confused. It's like she's barely human. The lack of compassion and humanity is downright scary. I've never seen anything like it.

Yup. Knowing all that and seeing all the things that went on, manipulation being predominant, there is still this sick urge to want her back. So dysfunctional.

[K.G.]

I feel the same way. And many others do to. We are still in love because we fell in love and had a dream and a hope for the future. I too have experienced what you have, been shouted at and blocked on everything. It is heartbreaking.

What I have been doing is to take a step back and focus not on the positives of the relationships, but the negatives. And believe me there are many negatives. I have NEVER blocked anyone from contacting me, I have never ignored someone that I have been in a relationship with, I have never verbally abused someone, I have never hit anyone, I have never been critical and constantly demanding. Why should I tolerate this behaviour from someone who is meant to be my partner?

I am not saying it is that easy to shut off and move on. But if you invest more time in this relationship, will there be any guarantee that she will stay with you? Is there a danger she will one day cut off, block you and then not make contact again - perhaps even substitute you immediately? That is what I am going through and now I wish I had walked out the very first time I experienced the temper tantrum and saved my heart. Of course there is no guarantee in any relationship, but when we start to lose ourselves (and I have lost myself completely) then there is something fundamentally wrong. I am non on the other side - not by a long chalk. But I am taking stock of the 'relationship' I had and whilst I have so much empathy for what that person is going through, I don't want to be abused. My fear that I think has kept me trying and trying is of being alone. And this is the fear I still have. But right now as I am being given the silent treatment it is out of my hands. If he returns, I am not sure how I will respond right now. But I am slowly detaching. What is your fear?

[michel71]

What do you love about her? I was asked this question recently and I had to think about it. Exactly what did she do to enrich your life and make you feel special AFTER the honeymoon phase? It was suggested to me that what I am in love with is not her but the idea of being in a marriage/partnership as something that completes my life and not the woman per se.

[ACObound]

I have been married to this person for 35+ years.  I'm sure if I read through more of the posts here, I would see the answer.  She is high functioning(I would even say very high functioning, masters degree etc) which is so hard to for anyone to understand where this puts me.  when the raging, blaming, accusations,  threatening etc start... .you look into her eye's and you see the pain.  you feel it and you know you have to mirror it back and not sponge.  Those eyes I see a desperate cry for help and to get this monster out of me.   I think this is why I still lover her.   Its come at such a high cost.
I am certain I am not the only one who feels this way.   How do you take the next step, because its a big one. 

[michel71]

I have questioned myself... .do I feel tremendous pity for her and thus want to love her back into sanity? Impossible. You can't love away mental illness. I look into those eyes too and I see pain. The co-D in me wants to save her from her pain. In turn, that gets me abused.

[Confused#9999]

I have questioned myself... .do I feel tremendous pity for her and thus want to love her back into sanity? Impossible. You can't love away mental illness. I look into those eyes too and I see pain. The co-D in me wants to save her from her pain. In turn, that gets me abused.

It's like you're reading my mind. Mine had those "dead, empty", eyes, and every time I asked her what's the matter. "nothing is wrong, I'm fine and happy to see you". I'm like, that's the opposite of what I'd consider "happy" to see me. She looked in such a misery state, it's nuts. So cold and distant.
Could it be that she was with someone else right before seeing me? That's what it felt like. As if she went to lunch with a new supply instead of her friend, like she told me. When she used to look like that, I always had a feeling she was with someone else before seeing me, when she was in that weird state.

[lovenature]

How and when does it stop?

It stops when you go complete NC, get out of the FOG, allow time to heal and don't go back.