I'm detached - 80%

[DreamerGirl]

I can't wait for 2016 to be over.

I have been LC, NC, recycled, NC, LC and around and around this year.

I never thought breaking up with someone could be this painful, hard and drawn out.

After four years together, we had a very rough start to this year, which then got worse.  He totally abandoned and disappeared on me in July.  He then re-appeared 12 weeks later.  Then i lost my Mom in an accident, this was 1 week after he had reached out to recycle me.   I know I was vulnerable.  I went back, however, not fully.  Even in as much pain and grief as I was in, I knew, my heart knew, he would not be capable of being the strong one in our relationship.

So, for 8 weeks it was very up and down.  We weren't a couple anymore, but what where we?  I had lost my trust in him, knowing he could just walk away, at the drop of a hat for any reason.  I couldn't let him back in, fully.

He tried his usual punishments on me, silent treatments, hot and cold behavior, disappearing for a week, re-appearing, like nothing has happened.  I just couldn't keep doing this crazy relationship. I need stability.  Someone I can depend on.

About four weeks ago, after going out for dinner one night, I just couldn't deal with his behavior anymore.  Something changed for me after he discarded and threw me away in July.  Not my love of him, that is still there, and strong.  But just the realization, that this is it, this is the best I will ever have with him.  It's not enough, I need more and I deserve more for my future. I can't live without trust.

So I pulled away.  I don't find it easy to just go radio silent on anyone, without good reason, but I pretty much went silent ignored 95% of his messages.

Sometimes I would feel bad for him, so I would respond but with a very neutral message.

Christmas Day he messaged me, and I sent a small reply wishing him a Happy Xmas.  He replied to that and I could tell he was hoping I would invite him over.  But I've had to change the way I respond.  The dance is over.  I played my role for almost 5 years.  He is still playing the same game.  I'm not.

Then today he messaged me, letting me know where he would be NYE, saying he wishes he could see me, but he doesn't want me un-comfortable, in case I'm going to the same place.

So, my heart then thinks, how considerate of him, he must really care about me to be worrying how I will feel NYE if I see him out at one of our favorite places.

But, the reality is he has never been considerate, so why now.  I need to stay logical and just let this be. 

His agenda could be anything, or nothing. 





 

[VitaminC]

So, my heart then thinks, how considerate of him, he must really care about me to be worrying how I will feel NYE if I see him out at one of our favorite places.

But, the reality is he has never been considerate, so why now.  I need to stay logical and just let this be. 

His agenda could be anything, or nothing. 

Yes, that is the case. His "agenda" - if we really care about someone, we don't have agendas or suspect them of having one. As you said, your trust in him is gone. And you need someone you can trust and depend upon.

How often has he shown awareness and kindness and empathy, DreamerGirl? You know from your other relationships what that feels like; to be understood and easy with someone because they "see" you and genuinely care about you all the time, not just from time to time.

You've had a tough year. I am very sorry about the loss of your mother. You are still grieving that and need gentleness and kindness. Give yourself that and let those who love you truly give you something to carry you softly into 2017. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi DreamerGirl,

I can understand how hard this must be at times, but I think you are doing the right thing. Tapering off your communications as much as you can. As  Vitamin C says, you are grieving a huge loss and are vulnerable. You need tenderness and compassion right now, not games, not innuendo, not "fishing" —from anyone.

I commend you for putting your needs first. There is nothing wrong with loving your ex. But you can do that from afar while you shower yourself with much needed attention and care. Try not to think too much about his intentions. Just keep moving forward, with loving arms around your own tender heart. 

We are cheering you on. 

heartandwhole