Seeking advice on visit to psychiatrist

[Onaride]

Hi, I've posted here in the past, but not in a long while. My wife of 17 years has many, but not every symptom of BPD, and also has anxiety disorders, including severe hypochondriasis, which has been the most recent biggest source of consternation. She was originally diagnosed with all of these, including BPD about eight years ago, but has never accepted the BPD diagnosis. In fact, she saw a therapist for five or six sessions last year (none with me attending) and reported to me that the therapist told her she absolutely does not have BPD. My wife is a master at manipulating information and telling her version of things, so if in fact this therapist did state that, then I'm sure it was with either incomplete information or outright disinformation. For the last several months, she has been struggling with severe hypochondriasis. First it was MS that she was convinced she had, then colon cancer, now ovarian cancer. She googles symptoms and stories non-stop and is driving herself and the rest of us crazy. It has worsened to the point where she is willing to see a new psychiatrist and is actually welcoming me to be part of the session. The appointment is next Monday. 

What I am wrestling with is how much to say and how to say it. I think my wife will have no problem with me adding facts and my observations and opinions about her hypochondriasis, obsessive thinking, and anxiety, but if I venture beyond that, I risk angering her and alienating her. The less flattering aspects (extreme irrational anger, inappropriate behaviors, etc.) are the ones that she does not like to admit or talk about. She either denies or rationalizes those and blames me.  On one hand, I think it is important for the doctor to get the whole picture, and to be able to diagnose accordingly, but the risk is that if I open up at all about those things, she will shut down, get angry at me, and not participate in the future with the psychiatrist.

In the ideal world, she would be completely open and honest, but there is virtually no chance of that happening. Understandably, it is probably much easier to say I'm a hypochondriac, or I have anxiety, than it is to say I have irrational anger, I am a compulsive liar, or I have engaged in some really inappropriate behavior.

The good thing is that the irrational anger and inappropriate behaviors have gotten better over time, but the hypochondriasis has gotten worse.

I'd like to hear advice from anyone who has accompanied their significant others w/BPD to psychiatrist's appointments. What role did you play? What was helpful? What was not?

Thanks!

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[Portent]

Its not uncommon for a therapist to decide not to tell a pwBPD that they have BPD. My therapist says he would not tell my wife because she would run. Better to diagnose sonething elae like anxiety disorder get her into therapy and start building a rapport.

[Onaride]

Thanks, I wondered about that with her last therapist. She really liked this therapist and that was evident with her going five or six times. Then, all of a sudden, she just stopped going. No explanation. I wondered whether perhaps the therapist began to hint at the possibility of BPD or otherwise shifted the conversation in a way my wife did not like. I didn't even bother asking because I knew I wouldn't get the truth anyway. It would have been something about being too busy or costing too much. She is absolutely horrified by, and completely resistant to any sort of real serious analysis of herself and her issues. Like I said, anxiety or hypochondriasis she will talk about, but that's it.

I guess I am going to try to tread very lightly. I assume the psychiatrist will ask who she has seen, what medications she is taking, and what previous diagnoses she has received. If I say nothing, I suspect my wife will simply say anxiety disorder, and leave out the BPD.