Power of Attorney...What's your experience>

[lovestogarden]

Hi There 
I'm a long time lurker and I have benefited greatly from the wisdom of all the bpdfamily members. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
 My story is this:
I 'm very, very L/C from my uBPD mother.  Out of the blue, I get these Power of Attorney documents (health & property) plus a will and a document naming me as executor of her will. My first instinct was to say H#LL NO! remove my name from EVERYTHING!  but part of me doesn't want to leave her to the wolves (a bit of  FOG happening).
My question is: what has been your experience? What advice would you give?
Thank you in advance.

Lovestogarden
 

[Kwamina]

Hi Lovestogarden,

A very long time lurker indeed! Welcome back

It is great to read how much you've benefited from the posts here just by reading them.

I have an (elderly) uBPD mother too but don't have any experience with the particular situation you are now in. I can definitely relate though to your initial feeling of not wanting your name on anything and also to that part where you say you do not want to leave her to the wolves. Who are these people that you consider potential 'wolves'? Who are you most concerned about and have they perhaps already done certain concerning things before?

We also have a board here for legal issues as you probably know too since you're a very long time lurker  Perhaps the members there can also give you some advice:
Family Law, Divorce, and Custody

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Notwendy]

The folks on the family law board were very helpful to me when I received these documents out of the blue.

Before I agreed, I had some requirements. First, I wanted to speak with my mother's attorney- to have this position explained to me before I signed anything. This created an issue with confidentiality and also expenses. Because the lawyer represented my mother, the lawyer could not speak to me without her consent. Also it would involve an extra charge. But I felt it was worth the caution and my mother agreed to me speaking with the lawyer in her presence. (could be a conference call).

Once I was OK with the legal aspect, the decision was really up to me. I didn't want to be part of a power struggle over decisions with my mother, but the POA would only be in effect if she was unable to make decisions. I also had to feel I could stand up to any family issues with her FOO or siblings.

The most important part to me was- am I able to do this ethically, reasonably, and in her best interest. I felt I could, but I realized I would want help. A POA generally includes the ability to talk to her lawyers, health care providers, and I would consult other professionals if I needed to. I felt like I was willing to do this. However, the choice is up to you. If you don't feel you wish to do this, you can decline.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Lovestogarden:
I can see how this can be a tough decision for you. One way to look at it is to consider everything individually: Medical POA, Financial POA, and Executor.  It is possible to accept one or two and not all.

We generally don't know the circumstances our parents will face ahead of time.  Will our parent (s) end up with some form of dementia, and be mentally incapacitated for a number of years, or will they pass suddenly, with a heart attack or stroke?

Do you live reasonably close to your mom? Are there siblings or someone else to consider for any of the options?

The time, complexity, and tasks of being an Executor will vary in accordance with where you live, the laws and the size of her estate.  The less money and assets, the less complexity.  If there is ample money, you could pay for the assistance of a will and trust attorney after she passes.

Are there siblings or other relatives that may be involved? It can be a hard decision.  Probably best to clear the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) before making a decision. Unless her current medical history tips a card in regard to things to come, it can be a coin toss as to what your particular experience will be.

My experience wasn't typical.  My sister and I were "co" everything. When our parent's health began to fail, she went into classic BPD mode. That prompted me to seek therapy to discover what was going on and then that brought me here.

My mom suddenly developed Pulmonary Fibrosis. A week after she was hospitalized, my dad fell and broke his neck.  Dad had surgery, but survived for less than 10 days and mom passed 4 months later. We were in a situation where we had to act as financial and medical POA's for both parents at the same time. Then there was the trust, which had some legal issues. Losing both parents so close together was tough, but nothing compared with the hell of sharing every decision and dealing with every issue with my uBPB sister.

Think it over and consider the options. Everyone's situation is unique with all 3 aspects. (Medical POA, Financial POA, and Executor) The emotional investment, time and effort will vary.

[lovestogarden]

Thank you Kwamina for pointing me to the legal board, I'm not kidding when I say I didn't even think of it .
As for the wolves I mentioned, they will probably be anyone new she meets who will tell her whatever she wants to hear. My mother has managed to burn bridges with every family member that I know of including me (NC for 6-1/2 years).
When she had her heart attack (and subsequent bypass surgery) 2 years ago only one cousin (out of state) called and I am the only who showed up to advocate for her. Period.
She made me regret that decision hence the current very , verrry LC.
 

 Naughty Nibbler
I'm sorry for the passing of your parents, especially when they passed so close together. I wish you all kinds of peace. I've also read of the nightmare factor your uBPD sister added to what should have been your time to mourn. I wouldn't your situation on my worst enemy.
You've given me a lot to think about and some options I never considered.

NotWendy
 Thank you for the lawyer suggestion.
The thing is, despite all the things she's done to me, I have no problem looking out for her interests. I did it when she was in the hospital and during her recovery.  What I don't want is the gas lighting, false accusations and abusive demands a uBPD mother brings to bear.  Maybe I'll have to consult with my own attorney to see how to protect myself before I even talk to her attorney. For all I know, I may not ethically be able to sign anything considering my long standing estrangement from her.

Thanks again to all of you

Lovestogarden