The self is there, GTI. It has just had to be very quiet for a long time. Letting go of the obedient, compliant you might feel like walking a high wire without a net. I won't lie and say it's gonna be easy. But I will say this: your fear is a child's fear--the fear of being abandoned, without the protection of your family. They can't protect you anymore anyhow, so be brave. Take a step. The fear is real, but it's also vestigial.
Thanks for the reply, I needed that!
To he honest, I wouldn't say my upbringing was religious. It's just that, I had a belief in God etc and now I'm much more inclined towards Atheism.
When things would go wrong for me, I would almost fall back on a belief in God. I would be almost childlike, believing that God had a plan and my deregulation was all part of it, to bring me closer to God. When I saw my ex do that, I saw it for what it was, a coping mechanism used to paper over cracks and not deal with the real root causes. That's how I (and many people I know, my eldest brother included) would use God and religion. My eldest brother still does, and I've seen how it has robbed him of a more productive and fruitful life, and now his children are going through it. Whereas before, our parents were needy and controlling, this God is needy and controlling. So in a way, he is continuing the cycle, albeit in a different way.
I certainly feel abandoned. I feel like a child taking those first steps to authenticity all on my own. No validation, no positivity & no helping hand.
The hard part is that, all of my friends come from dysfunctional families (one form or another) and so they don't understand where I'm coming from.
I had a dream last night. I was reliving the trauma of me and my ex breaking up. In the dream, feelings came to the surface that I have been acutely conscious of. Feelings of loneliness, abandonment & isolation. It is these feelings which make it that much harder to break away from the dysfunction, as I feel like I am doing it all on my own.
