A letter to my mother...my tank is empty...

[drained1996]

I'm at a crossroads with my sisters and my mother.  I wrote this today with very few edits... .it's what I feel... .and I'm just sharing here.  

Mom,

We have an issue with our relationship and I’m drawing a boundary.  

Here are our issues.  Since I was so young that I cannot remember I have been made to feel responsible for your feelings.  If there was an issue at home and you got upset or confused…or whatever…anything negative, I was somehow to blame.  I acted out because nobody was there to listen to my side, including dad…nobody heard me.  I don’t ever remember hearing you say I’m sorry…for anything…ever.  
This dynamic continued as I grew and everyone always fell on the side of not upsetting mother no matter what the normal guidelines of life would suggest.  Mother’s feelings are always the most important ones.  

This played out with dad as well…always mothers feelings first.  A great example of that came when you had your stroke, and instead of doing what most intelligent normal people would do (when your sister said "take her to the hospital" which is take you to the hospital…he listened to you and what you wanted instead, waited all night and drove you home 2 hours away.  
This also played out when dad wanted to come home from rehab while he was stricken with and dying from leukemia on Oct 27th of 2015.  He was told that was not possible because YOU were not ready.  Read that again…YOU…were not ready for your dying husband to come home.  He was not comfortable where he was and wanted to come home, only to be shunted by his family for what reason?  He stayed in a place he did not want to or need to stay for an extra week…I told him I would take care of it and get him home if that was his desire…and with no words, tears in his eyes, he shook his head lightly and turned away.  He put your wants and needs ahead of everything, including his own comfort while facing death.    

The other issue is how you made me feel at a young age of never being good enough.  I attained my eagle scout status…but not before xxx, and xxx,  etc and you made sure I knew that.  I did well in school, but not well enough as you tried to bribe me with a boat so I would make honor society.  I never once felt you wanted me to accomplish something for me…I felt it was so you would feel good….see…common theme….I was responsible for doing good at what you deemed important so you would look like a good parent and everyone would validate your successes.
Not once do I ever remember you worrying about MY feelings…or how I felt or what I wanted.  
This theme of not being good enough again, continued as I grew.  It wasn’t good enough for me to want to come home and eat with you for Sunday lunch.  I had to dress exactly as you asked, I had to shave exactly as you asked.  (and this was true for many other circumstances)  If not, I was made to feel bad that I had let you down.  This happened a lot.  You simply could not, would not accept your own son for the person he was…and now you don’t even know who I am as a person.  To you I am still a child…and you treat me that way.  No more.  
These are but few of many examples I can think of…I’m fairly certain I don’t need to pile on, so I’ll leave it at these.  

I can think of two things I have asked you for in life (excluding gift ideas for special occasions which really don’t count).
1)   To read a book, which you never read
2)   For financial help, which can be crippling to a man’s ego just to ask at my age.  Which you summarily denied for no apparent reason and you have more than you could spend from your grave in 20 years.  

I’m going to ask for one last thing, and that is your forgiveness.  I’m sorry I was difficult at times, I’m sorry I get angry with you easily at times.  I’m sorry that it took me 42 plus years to figure out where my issues in our relationship simply made things worse sometimes.  I’m sorry that I still struggle with my patience even knowing what I know now.  And most of all, I’m sorry that I cannot continue a relationship with someone who cannot, will not, own their own issues and short comings.  I’m not going to contact you again in any way except to facilitate necessities.  I’ll be there if you are not well to help care for you.  I’ll be there to take you places and even come home and do things if I feel they are needed.  But I will not have a relationship with a person who is unwilling to acknowledge and work on their own issues and blames me for everything.  I will no longer allow you to treat me like a child and I will never again bear the burden of being responsible for your feelings.  I’ve tried to talk to you in the past only to be met with gaslighting, and projection.  I know who I am as a person, you only know me as a disgruntled child as that is as far as our relationship ever grew.  I’m taking that child out of your life so you will never have to be disappointed again.  
I’m completely imperfect…I know that…but a mother is supposed to love her children no matter what.  I’m a pretty good person…and you have always made me feel like I’m not…
I’m here if you would like to talk…but I will take no more emotional abuse.  Yes, you have emotionally abused me….for a long time.  

[HappyChappy]

Hi Drained1996,

So sorry you had to endure all that was in your letter and more.  It’s well written. There is enough ambiguity in the ending, to leave the door slightly open for compromise, if only a BPD could compromise, especially when it involved the BPD changing their core behaviour. This is the sort of letter I’d want to send my BPD, if I never intended seeing her much. So thanks for sharing. Bit like when someone else tells the hated boss to stick it.

Do you think your Mom will fain illness or keep having emergencies, as a way of getting you around ? Might she even loosen her purse strings ? There are a lot of criticism of your Mom in there, as no doubt she deserves, but are you burning your bridges ? If you’re committed to LC, then I guess it doesn’t matter.

I notice you don't mention your sisters in the letter, what is it about them that you are at a crossroads with ?

[Kwamina]

Hi drained1996,

Thanks for sharing this personal letter with us. It is clear from your letter that your mother's behavior really affected you. I have found that writing my experiences and feelings down like this can be helpful. How did you feel after completing this letter?

Are you intending to send this letter to your mother or did you primarily do this as an exercise for yourself to help you in your healing process? (or both)

You mention that you've tried to talk to your mother in the past but that it did not go so well. Do you feel like your mother has ever in any way acknowledged that her behavior could have hurt you?

I too am interested in your sisters. You start this post by saying you are at a crossroads with your sisters and mother, the letter only focuses on your mother though. What are the issues you are currently having with your sisters?

[drained1996]

Are you intending to send this letter to your mother or did you primarily do this as an exercise for yourself to help you in your healing process? (or both)

I really don't know my intent right now.  I have already drawn a boundary of not visiting her much.  I've been home once in 13 months... .and she lives alone only 72 miles away.  My last visit was when I tried to talk with her.

How did you feel after completing this letter?

numb... .motherless... .better... .

Do you feel like your mother has ever in any way acknowledged that her behavior could have hurt you?

never... .even after trying to talk to her that day... .she said I should look at myself

Do you think your Mom will fain illness or keep having emergencies, as a way of getting you around ? Might she even loosen her purse strings ?

If I cross this road and send it, I will be the LAST to react to an emergency... .my sisters will have that on them.  I would only go if it was a confirmed issue.  Loosening the purse strings really doesn't matter to me, I'll survive, she just has the means to make it happen with no stress. 
The only way my LC would change if I sent this would be for her to talk, and at the very least say a heartfelt I'm sorry. 

What are the issues you are currently having with your sisters?

Resentment on how things with my dying father were handled, and subsequently my mother.  They are selfish like her, and have basically abandoned her at home alone.  Mother is diminished by a stroke 7 years ago and is showing early signs of dementia.  Her younger sister has it bad, and her father was all but gone the last 4 years in life.   The burden has fallen on the neighbors (who are saints), and even they have openly complained to us.  By their actions... .and inactions I question their integrity.  I want my mother in a safe environment, and not to be a burden on neighbors and the community.  It will be a fight... .I know that, and my sisters will not face her.   So they prefer to sit in denial. 

I'm feeling rather angry on this matter this morning.  I'm tired of even having them in my brain... .I'm tired of being treated like a child by my family... .people who don't really even know me.   

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Drained 1996:
It can be helpful to write out our feelings.  We have choices as to what to do with the written words.  I've never regretted holding onto a draft for awhile, before sending something, especially when I'm emotionally charged.  I've found value in applying the logic with both my personal and work life.  Many times, I've come back to view a draft after a day or two, and felt thankful that I didn't send a version of something, or send anything at all.

I've written out feelings, factual accounts, etc. in regard to my uBPD sister.  It is therapeutic.   The desire to send a letter can dissipate in a few days.  Since, my sister lawyered up in relation to our co-trustee business for our parent's trust, I feel like I've written a book.

Initially, I draft what my uncensored self would love to send, in response to a letter from my sister's lawyer, then I modify it to end up with a BIFF response.

I thought about sending a letter to my sister, at some point, but I'm not ready yet.  The letter would be an attempt to get her into joint counseling, with a neutral therapist. 

I discussed writing a letter in a session with my therapist, but I was a bit disappointed after the conversation.  Although, I can get on board with "I" Statements, I was told that I should't mention too many issues in the letter, just a couple of the most important ones. The reason given was that she would be too sensitive and I could get a huge reaction.

Perhaps, I'll proceed with a method for my own de-escalation. I'll start with a draft of an uncensored letter, that I'll destroy in some way.  Then, I'll draft a sensible letter with too many "I" Statement, then edit it down to as few "I" Statements as possible.  I doubt if I'll ever end up with a version of a letter that a therapist would like.  Even when I get to a final version, I don't know when I might send it.  Perhaps it will never happen.  It's can be a lot about timing.

PS:  I think we all have an opportunity to make 2017 a better year.
 

[drained1996]

Thanks Nibbler, I appreciate you sharing your own experience.  I'm not sending anything now... .but I probably will knowing me.  I had very meaningful conversations with my dad before he passed (I held nothing back) and it felt good to be heard, somewhat validated, and have peace with the situation... .for us both.  And even though he really didn't comprehend it all, he knew something in our lives was off... .and honestly showed he wished it wasn't that way. 
I know when I do send it, I may never get that chance like I did with him, but she will know how I feel... .and have for a very long time.  I'm fairly certain she suffers from some PD, so I'm understanding of what may happen when I do share this.   The ball will be in her court though.  What do I have to lose?  A mother I do not really like... .no loss I hate to say... .but if I don't send it, I do lose at least an opportunity for her to hear and know how I feel... .what happens after that... .will be whatever it is.  I expect nothing. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Drained!   

I think it takes a lot of courage and bravery to put your thoughts into words and express them as you did. Good job!  Once upon a time I heard about something called 'the empty chair' approach (not sure if that's the real name). Basically it meant writing a letter and then setting up an empty chair across from you, and then you read the letter to the person who you imagined was sitting there, in this case your BPDm. I have only briefly thought about this for myself, then realized I wasn't ready to do it yet due to the fear I still have for her even though she died 4 years ago (can it have been that long ago?).

Would it help you if you did something like this? Is it even a good idea for you? Maybe it would help you be able to express out loud what your heart is crying out to be heard.

 
Wools

[drained1996]

Thanks for the thought Wools... .unfortunately I don't think that works for me.  I've been crying out since I was very young only to have it fall of deaf ears.  I was never really silent about my frustrations/problems with my mother, but ultimately it all turned back on me... ."look at how you are speaking to your mother, look at how you're acting out."  Thoughts would never shift towards why I was actually frustrated (which obviously frustrated me even more), but would revolve around the tone of my voice, or my choice of words, or just my obvious and yes at times uncontrolled frustration and resentment/anger.  Oh I have played my part in the dysfunction I know... .
I feel the need to say how I feel, to set my boundaries of LC and see where that goes.  I've Radically Accepted my mother, my sisters and even my deceased dad for who they are.  I'll have no expectations.  I feel if I do not share my feelings nobody will even have a chance to understand me or even know me... .because they don't care or know how to care enough to even try.  At least if it's in writing... .in black and white, they will have a choice to either try... .or not. 
I know I need to go through a checklist and make sure I'm doing this for the correct reasons. 
Anybody want to give me a good checklist to compare to my own?  Maybe I'm missing something a non-biased mind would see... .

[Grandmotherbear]

Drained1996- your letter is somewhat similar to a letter my brother sent my BPD mother years back- that offended her (she's perfect after all) and resulted in her changing her will to exclude my brother(when she told me this I insisted she speak with her lawyer and leave me out also with all her assets going to grandchildren or great-grandchildren) Later on, after about 4 years, my brother reached out to her again but my sis in law refused to ever speak with her or be present for a visit again. Of course she thought my brother had lied in his letter and been set up for it by his wife (who BTW was a saint for putting up wth my mother as long as she did)
So... .if you decide to send it so your mother will at least hear your feelings for once in her life, please be aware it will probably NOT result in your mother hearing you. She will continue to blame you as always.
Sorry.
I was only freed from my hell on earth when my mother died last January. She tried to manipulate me with her health issues the last few months, she had named me her health care surrogate and when the hospitals and nursing homes kept calling me- at her request- to ask how I would like her crises handled I would ask, each time, ""Have 2 doctors certified that she is unable to make her own health care decisions?" Each time they'd so No, and I'd say "Then you have to go back to her and ask what she wants done. A health care surrogacy is only activated upon the documentation that a patient can no longer give an informed consent". and hang up (used to be the law in FL, but legislation has been passed and signed that a health care surrogate may make decisions while the patient is still capable of decision making, but only if that specific clause is included in the written instrument) So be aware that health issues may become something your egg-donor parent may use to try to manipulate you, and please make sure you will have no regrets, no matter what you decide to do in response.

I hope 2017 is better for all of us.

[drained1996]

So... .if you decide to send it so your mother will at least hear your feelings for once in her life, please be aware it will probably NOT result in your mother hearing you. She will continue to blame you as always.

yes, I'm well aware.  

and resulted in her changing her will to exclude my brother

I would rather have emotional and mental reconciliation than all the money in the world.  I understand that's wishful thinking... .I'd settle for an "I'm sorry"
That too is a longshot.  

I'm good with where I am... .anything I may share are their issues to deal with and work through with me.
I own and know my faults.  

[Sisterluv]

Thank you for saying everything I'd been feeling yet have had a hard time putting those feelings, experiences into words. My anger over the abuse was blocking my words. Thank you! I wish you all the best with your progress. You have helped me tremendously. I don't know you but feel like I do because we had some like experiences. Thank you and good luck!  

[Harri]

Hi drained.  Ugh to not being heard or even seen by your family.  What you wrote about how she made everything be about her, even though you were obviously hurting, really resonates. 

You asked for a checklist and I do not really have one.  Just the usual cautions of not expecting your mother or sisters to hear you not matter how you choose your words.  They have demonstrated time and again that they are incapable of seeing outside of their own little bubble.

I am of the opinion that if it will empower you to speak up or send the letter, then do so.  I said what I wanted to say and I did not always choose my words carefully, nor did I care to.  I simply needed to hear and feel me standing up and saying what i felt and what was true for me.  That was my goal and I achieved it as it was not in any way tied to how my family reacted or felt about it. 

So wait and see how you feel.  Even if you do want to take one last shot at possibly being heard it sounds like you have thought this all through and considered the consequences.  Regardless of what they do, you will be okay.  Hell, you might even come out better for it.

Be well.

[Pilpel]

Drained,

Ugh... .I could feel how drained you are in your letter.  What a way to grow up.  And I can sympathize with your feelings about your dad.  Some of the hardest feelings I have toward my N/BPD SIL have to do with how she has treated my elderly parents, and part of the problem is that my parents have allowed her to take advantage of them.

I think the letter is good, and cathartic.  When it comes to sending -or just writing letters, it's good just to articulate our boundaries.  If your mother has been like this her whole life, and is now getting dementia, I wouldn't expect it to make much impact on her.  When I wrote out a letter detailing my boundaries with my SIL, I think it was the first positive step I took for myself.

I wish you the best. 

[drained1996]

Thanks to everyone with the support and suggestions here!  I've reflected a good bit over the last days and it's done nothing but reinforce my original thoughts.  That, and I realize just how little my family knows me as a person and how they really don't seem to care.  So I'll probably be addressing them all in the near future in some way... .my mother will get this letter after some final editing.  My sisters will get a copy too... .along with personal notes to each of them.  It's not with intent to cause any pain though I know it will, it's to get the hurt/abuse and my feelings out in the open.  What they decided to do with that is up to them.  The only real expectation I have is to not be heard... .again.  And I'm ok with that.   

I'm having a little difficulty using the term abuse... .but seeing how it has affected me... .my life... .how I have felt... .how I have reacted... .it really cannot be described with any other word.