Hello,
I cannot remember the last time I was on this site. I'm sorry. I should be more faithful in visiting and, hopefully, help others who are going through hard times with relatives.
For those of you who are new and don't know me, I've been a member since 2007, after my DH was suddenly taken from me. I was left a widow with four daughters, ages 13, 8, 7, and 5. I then had major issues with DH's family, namely his mother whom I self-diagnosed as having BPD. The SIL and FIL just went along with her for the most part, so as to keep her happy. Even so, it really hurt me a lot.
In 2009, I couldn't take the emotional abuse anymore, and so I packed up and moved 200 miles away to be near my own mother, whose health was deteriorating rapidly. My MIL passed away in April 2012, and my mother in May 2012, just two weeks after I graduated at the age of 48 and earned my B.A. in English, creative writing emphasis. That was bittersweet year.
Since MIL's death, I have been at peace. There is no more drama. My girls are now 23, 18, 17, and 15. The 23-year-old got her B.S. in Geochemistry in May this year, and my 18-year-old is in her second semester of auto body repair at a local college. She moved out the day after her 18th birthday and is now living with her fiance (sigh). My 17-year-old is big into anime and attends anime conventions every May, dressed up in her favorite anime characters. She wants to be a history teacher in middle school and possibly live in Japan some day. My 15-year-old is big on Korean drama right now, but hangs out with friends every chance she gets. In fact, she's going to a New Year's Eve dance with a boy friend (not boyfriend). I guess you could say she's a typical teen.
I am proud of my girls. There was a time when my MIL had me believing I was not capable of raising four girls alone, and she did everything in her power to sabotage my raising them my way. If only she could see my daughters now.
I do still have somewhat of a relationship with SIL and FIL, but it's limited. I have, for the last four years invited them to my house for both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, and we still go to a restaurant for the girls' birthdays. We have never once been invited to their new house. This year, however, I was dealing with some health issues around Thanksgiving so I decided not to have dinner at my house. We (my girls and I), along with SIL and FIL went to Golden Corral Restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. I did, however, cook a ham for Christmas and SIL, FIL, and daughter's fiance all came. It was okay, I guess. Not great, but okay.
Things are just awkward with them anymore. SIL and I never did have anything in common, even when DH was alive. I went to hug FIL goodbye once, and felt like I was hugging a wet noodle. Haven't hugged him since.
As for me? Well, I'm still single. My last date was a nightmare as he began exercising control almost immediately. Why wasn't I answering his texts right away? Who was I going to the movies with? Where was I going to be on such-and-such a night? I guess I've gotten set in my ways after being a widow for ten years. I stopped going to the dating sites as all I as getting was Nigerian scammers (and one Pakistani who told me to 'eff off' when I called his bluff). Maybe there is a guy out there for me, but I'm 53 now. I'm not getting any younger, and the wrinkles and age spots are becoming more prominent. But I also haven't really been trying very hard to get myself out there to meet new people, either, so I only have myself to blame.
On a positive note: I've been working on a novel. I sent five pages to an editor, who really liked it and encouraged me to continue writing it, saying that the "timing was just right" (it's a coming-of-age story set in the '70s post-Vietnam). So that's what I've been doing. Writing, writing and more writing!
Please let me hear from you, those of you who remember me! I would like to hear from any newbies as well. Trust me, I've been where you are now: confused, unsure what to do or how to go about your life when there's a person you love with BPD making it difficult for you (I will respond to some of your posts). I can offer encouragement and be a listening ear. I'm not a counselor or licensed therapist by any means, but I am here for you. Feel free to send me a PM if you'd like. I can tell you what worked for me or what didn't.
If there's one thing that DID work for me, it's this message board! Without all the words of wisdom and suggestions/advice from the members here, I never would have drummed up enough courage to move away and reinvent myself as a newly single mother. I am a much, much better person now, and I have you to thank for it.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
-S
