fears and anxiety in SS

[soundofmusicgirl]

Yesterday we had an interesting discussion. My SS's are flying back home soon and we asked wether they are excited. SS1 (the golden child) replied that he is scared the airplane will crash and that all his toys (that he got from us) would be lost.
We validated his feelings and asked him what ideas he has to help him feel better about this. He said watching a movie on the plane helps him. We also encouraged him to pray (we are religious).

I personally found it interesting that his fear of crashing was not about dying (or his BPDmom and brother dying) but rather that all his toys would be lost.

I have observed this before in him. Last summer we went to a playground and he had taken an outside toy that he had gotten from my DHs family a few days ago. SS "commissioned" me to sit by his toy on the playground and watch over it. As soon as I moved an inch away from it, he got super upset and said it would be stolen (there was only one other kid on the playground). I explained that I am still keeping my eye on it, but that I also trust that the other child will not steal it.

Then when they arrived in our home a few days ago, SS was looking for a toy in his backpack and he could not immediatly find it. He immediately said, someone must have taken it and was getting frustrated. I encouraged him to look further in his backpack and sure enough he found it.

I am no psychologist, but I am wondering wether this weird attachment /anxiety is due to his BPDmom constantly taking away every gift and toy we give him and his brother.

Not sure wether I mentioned this on here, but we send my SSs some star wars advent calendars. When we asked them how they like them they replied: they can't find them (which we have learnt to interpret as: Mom took it away). We had our Lawyer sent a letter to her lawyer stating that she should make the advent calendars available to them.

Well, when they got to our house I had a little chat with them and asked how they enjoyed their advent calendar from mom this year (she usually makes them one). They said that this year somehow they forgot to have one and that they just had no advent calendar at all this year.
I interpret that as BPDmoms anxiety level was so high over their trip to our home that she simply did not manage to take care of that. Which of course then also means that under no circumstances could she allow them to have our advent calendars because then they would have more from us then her.

[catclaw]

Hey soundofmusicgirl:)

I'm always stunned as to how many similarities there are between members' stories.

My ss goes to psychomotorical skills training and every once in a while we get a feedback from the instructors about the issues he shows and works on. For the longest time, all of ss' conversations were about materialistic things - how much lego he's got, how expensive my car is (which was obviously a lie, my car is an old sweetheart with no special features), how much pocket-money he gets (again, he exaggerated), how he's gonna buy a ferrari at 18 years (haha, good one), about his laptop and so on. He hardly ever talked about situations. After a year, material possessions became less and less important.

Like your ss, he has a long history of stuff magically vanishing from his mom's home.

It seems that this may have something to do with the uncertainty of whether their stuff will still be there tomorrow or not. Putting an unstable sense of self and identification with the parent in the mix, the line between "mine" and "yours" may become blurry and developing a concept of possession and its importance may be harder than for other kids.

May i ask, how materialistic do you experience the kids' mom? Like, does she spend money impulsively? Does she buy things she can't afford? Does she have and maintain a job? All of this might affect the way the kids view "possesion".

[soundofmusicgirl]

Yes, the materialistic thing has been going on for years. I remember the first weekend we had both of my stepsons overnight a few years ago all weekend they would ask us to buy them more toys. They were 6 years old then and I really thought we had plenty of toys. But it was never enough for them.
Well, BPDxmom never was good at budgeting. The kids get new toys EVERY week. They have mentioned on several occasions that they value toys more then people. I personally believe that BPDxw uses the toys to keep them "quiet" and "entertained" so that she does not have to interact with them. We taught them how to play board games / card games 2 years ago. They had never played even the simplest of games before.

I totally agree that the uncertainty of wether their toy is going to be there the next day or not makes it really hard for them. There was also a situation a few years ago where one of my SSs started yelling at us because we had suggested that maybe he wants to take a plush toy to the restaurant we were going for dinner to help him feel comfortable. He yelled at us wether we wanted the toy to be thrown away. My husband and I were stunned. We asked him why he thinks the toy would be thrown away and he said because it would get dirty and then would need to be thrown away. Wow... .

[Panda39]

I agree it sounds like your SS's toys are getting taken away by their mother, it also sounds like they are reacting to some of her distorted thinking ie: the plush toy/restaurant incident.  SS sounds like he is trying his best to keep the toys his dad gives him but can't. Of course he can't because you can't be rational with someone who isn't rational. It's so sad. 

My SO's uBPDxw has been both overly indulgent and neglectful of her daughters, she isn't capable of the hard work that is day to day parenting.

You are ringing bells for me regarding the items that disappear in to the black hole of the kid's mother's house.  My SO's uBPDxw was always keeping the kids clothes at her house... .she rarely bought the girls clothes... .too mundane... .too boring... .too responsible.  She'd buy makeup and jewelry when what these girls needed were boots and winter coats!  My SO was providing everything (and still does).  He would have to buy socks and underwear monthly on top of other items that went to mom's and never came home.  It was like the Dryer "sock monster" gone wild!  My SO also bought his older daughter clothes for school only to find her mother wearing them. (need the eye rolling emoji here!)

The sad thing is that the uBPDxw was evicted several times and finally had to put everything in storage... .only to not pay for the storage unit.  All of her children's things from before 2 years ago are gone now... .auctioned off.

In regard to buying things my SO's uBPDxw never took care of anything, never kept track of anything, lived like a horder, and if she couldn't find something or the kids couldn't find something it would just have to be bought again.  She didn't take care of her things or the kid's things.

All we can do is to continue to model good parenting, healthy family behaviors,keep validating feelings... .you know, show them there is another way to live.  Each time you visit with those boys you make an impact.

Panda39