text check in with BPDex, Laughable how quick his illness rears its head

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am not in full NC with my BPDex.  If I employ that, he pesters mutual friends, or worse, tries to contact my parents to get to me.

Its been a 6-8 month detachment, fully broken up almost a month.  if he texts me, I usually offer a quick assurance things are 100% over and dont reply to what follows.  I reply a few hours later to whatevers piled up with a "thank you, i only hope the best."

this works great!

today I broke form and engaged in a civil conversation.  Ex was having a good day, it seems.  He was positive, reflective, even philosophical and cerebral.  We got up to date on each others lives a bit, and he was upbeat and kind hearted with his words.  He emoted a balanced, sensible vibe that I once valued early on in our relationship.

toward the end, i mentioned how recent appointments with my T and psychiatrist have ended with me being squarely diagnosed with Dysthymia  - a low level, creeping form of depression. not ever very sad, but generally unmotivated... .can sleep in till late afternoon if i want to... .it was an adjunct topic that lead to him talking about his recent submission to the mental health system.  he has a T and a psychiatrist as well.

I told ex that after 3 months of no meds, and no luck with my Dysthymia, i am considering an antidepressant.

this was some sort of trigger.

Bear in mind that before i told him this, he had openly and easily provided that him and his psychiatrist are exploring meds.  I didnt ask which, just moved along in the convo.

he began to lecture me "Antidepressants dont work".  This is a view he has held for a while, for no good reason and with zero evidence or experience with antidepressants.

I said- "okay, maybe that is true. but I am not signing a contract for life- if they dont work, I wont keep taking them. I am just being open minded and willing.  I trust my Pysch and he has been great."

He continued "I just think its so messed up you would consider medication for your problem, drugs arent the answer"

I said "well, didnt you just say... .you and your health provider are considering medications."

Reply: "Yes, def a medication, I'm seeing him soon. I have just been having a lot of mood swings lately." (oh, no sh!t)

I said: Oh, okay.

Reply "but those things will really change you."

I reiterated: "I understand, but I can stop whenever I want if i find the change is not positive.  The truth is I am surely depressed and have been for a while, so I want to try.  Maybe an SSRI.  What medications is your Pysch considering for you?"

reply: "THATS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS."
reply: "WHY ARE YOU JUST PISSING ME OFF? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DO YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE ANGRY?"

I say: "Im sorry" (wow this is bringing back memories) "I didnt mean to make you upset" (WOW so many memories) "I was just being conversational and curious, maybe I'll just give you space"

Reply: "leave me alone, you only ever want to hurt me. make me mad and upset. I dont want to talk anymore."

well that was it folks.  and I was so happy to comply. When we were still together, I would be chasing after him with endless capitulation, apologies, acceptance and embrace of the blame.  It was all my fault for "pissing him off."

Even with the short amount of time I have away from it all, its as clear as day how dysfunctional and ill his thinking is. How fundamentally unsound his thoughts truly are.  I did nothing to make him mad.  I was sharing my experience with mental health, and asking for equal sharing from him.  If he didnt want to disclose anything, he could have said as much in a more managable way.

He went from a great tone of voice, a profoundly kind and positive voice... .to what i just quoted. in a pace of only two hours or so.  

I am so glad to be done.  I am so glad I am not caretaking his dysfunction anymore... .Inside of the relationship, I would be now in the 4th or 5th hour of apologizing, chasing after him, while he would either be raging or dissociating.  

Thank god its over.  

[cbm419]

I am not in full NC with my BPDex.  If I employ that, he pesters mutual friends, or worse, tries to contact my parents to get to me.

Its been a 6-8 month detachment, fully broken up almost a month.  if he texts me, I usually offer a quick assurance things are 100% over and dont reply to what follows.  I reply a few hours later to whatevers piled up with a "thank you, i only hope the best."

this works great!

today I broke form and engaged in a civil conversation.  Ex was having a good day, it seems.  He was positive, reflective, even philosophical and cerebral.  We got up to date on each others lives a bit, and he was upbeat and kind hearted with his words.  He emoted a balanced, sensible vibe that I once valued early on in our relationship.

toward the end, i mentioned how recent appointments with my T and psychiatrist have ended with me being squarely diagnosed with Dysthymia  - a low level, creeping form of depression. not ever very sad, but generally unmotivated... .can sleep in till late afternoon if i want to... .it was an adjunct topic that lead to him talking about his recent submission to the mental health system.  he has a T and a psychiatrist as well.

I told ex that after 3 months of no meds, and no luck with my Dysthymia, i am considering an antidepressant.

this was some sort of trigger.

Bear in mind that before i told him this, he had openly and easily provided that him and his psychiatrist are exploring meds.  I didnt ask which, just moved along in the convo.

he began to lecture me "Antidepressants dont work".  This is a view he has held for a while, for no good reason and with zero evidence or experience with antidepressants.

I said- "okay, maybe that is true. but I am not signing a contract for life- if they dont work, I wont keep taking them. I am just being open minded and willing.  I trust my Pysch and he has been great."

He continued "I just think its so messed up you would consider medication for your problem, drugs arent the answer"

I said "well, didnt you just say... .you and your health provider are considering medications."

Reply: "Yes, def a medication, I'm seeing him soon. I have just been having a lot of mood swings lately." (oh, no sh!t)

I said: Oh, okay.

Reply "but those things will really change you."

I reiterated: "I understand, but I can stop whenever I want if i find the change is not positive.  The truth is I am surely depressed and have been for a while, so I want to try.  Maybe an SSRI.  What medications is your Pysch considering for you?"

reply: "THATS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS."
reply: "WHY ARE YOU JUST PISSING ME OFF? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DO YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE ANGRY?"

I say: "Im sorry" (wow this is bringing back memories) "I didnt mean to make you upset" (WOW so many memories) "I was just being conversational and curious, maybe I'll just give you space"

Reply: "leave me alone, you only ever want to hurt me. make me mad and upset. I dont want to talk anymore."

well that was it folks.  and I was so happy to comply. When we were still together, I would be chasing after him with endless capitulation, apologies, acceptance and embrace of the blame.  It was all my fault for "pissing him off."

Even with the short amount of time I have away from it all, its as clear as day how dysfunctional and ill his thinking is. How fundamentally unsound his thoughts truly are.  I did nothing to make him mad.  I was sharing my experience with mental health, and asking for equal sharing from him.  If he didnt want to disclose anything, he could have said as much in a more managable way.

He went from a great tone of voice, a profoundly kind and positive voice... .to what i just quoted. in a pace of only two hours or so.  

I am so glad to be done.  I am so glad I am not caretaking his dysfunction anymore... .Inside of the relationship, I would be now in the 4th or 5th hour of apologizing, chasing after him, while he would either be raging or dissociating.  

Thank god its over.  

[Me-Time]

Thank you for sharing that. It stands as a reminder of the endless arguments I endured with my uBPDsoontobexw (both in person and via text). They went *exactly* like that.

Funny, I had a similar argument like that over medications with my ex. I was sick at one time and finally went to the doctor. He prescribed a medication and she talked me out of taking it. "It's not really going to help you, it's not good for you, here let me look it up and show you why it won't... ." She went on and on. She had me convinced that I really didn't need it and she was so upset about me potentially taking it, that I just gave in. I let the illness run its course, but it lingered for a very long time and I do believe it would have cleared up quicker had I taken the med. (I would not have considered not taking a med if it were something very serious). The subject came up some time later when she got sick and started to panic (she's also a hypochondriac). We went to a walk-in medical center and she was told she was fine but what I've noticed is that doctors tend to see her anxiety over whatever she feels is wrong with her and they give her medication, even when it's not warranted. She checked out 100% ok (she had a cold), but she was given an antibiotic, which she couldn't wait to start taking. I said something to her later about how I felt hurt when I was so sick and she didn't want me to take anything and now the doctor tells her she's fine but it's ok for her take medication anyway. (I knew this wasn't going to be well received, but I had to say what I felt). It was NOT well received. "You're a grown woman who can make your own decisions! You chose not to take that medication and if you wanted to you had free reign to do so! I'm sick and I need this and I can't believe you are harassing me about taking a medication that I've been prescribed! That doctor wouldn't give it to me if I didn't need it!" Then she started telling other people about how I don't want her to take medication... .

[cbm419]

not surprised that a BPD would also be a hypochondriac!

Glad you could relate, though! I love this board because its such a strong reminder of how bad things truly were.  If i dont come here, I tend to forget all the negatives and am soon romanticizing his good traits, and thats a dangerous situation. 

I've gone back to him several times, I'm ashamed to admit, because of this exact reason.

Also, talking to friends doesnt help.  A) theyre sick of hearing about him or B) they just dont get how toxic this relationship was.  They may think of him as a normal person so they would often minimize the terrible things that were happening.  I have to remind myself hes is NOT normal.  Often, well meaning friends would say things like "well if its true love, it will all work out" or they would put the onus on me - suggesting that relationships need work.  They didnt understand that the harder I worked, the worse things became... .many people here can strongly relate to that sensation.

Me Time- First I love your name, and second- keep coming here and reading and participating! I can tell you, that as the relationship was breaking down, I gave in during some weak moments and took him back, only to immensely regret it.  You seem to have a good hold on things, but all I can say is now that I'm finally on the outside looking in on my past... .I cant believe how long I stayed and how bad things really were.

[Me-Time]

I can also relate to needing reminders. I'm not really proud of doing this, but at some point I started recording her rampages. I just didn't think anyone would believe me if I told them what was going on and I was also afraid she was going to start telling people terrible things about me that weren't true. I had my proof if I needed it. (There's another thread here where we talk about the crazy things WE end up doing - I count this as one of them!) I listen to those recordings sometimes to remind myself how bad things were. Last night I was listening to one I had forgotten about. I just sat there after it, realizing how abused I was.

You're right, people don't understand. They'll listen for a while, but they get tired of it. And I understand. They end up giving the advice that we really should heed (move on and focus on yourself). But they do *not* know how difficult this was - not just a normal breakup, which is hard in itself. Thank goodness for this place.

My ex just finished moving out today. She has to come back one more time in about a week for a few things that wouldn't fit on the truck. But we're done. Unfortunately, I've been dealing with incessant texts that range from "you ruined our life - if only you had tried a little harder" to "we were just so disconnected" to "I wish you would tell me stay" to "I'm so scared - I had a panic attack last night". She's trying everything. And it breaks my heart because I remember the days when I cried thinking I had finally been guided to meet the love of my life. And then things started to happen. I would write in a journal about it and I remember the title of one particular entry - "My angel has a broken wing". I didn't know the extent of it then. Three breakups laters, and here I am. I look forward to looking back, as you do cbm419. Thanks for the support!

[once removed]

on the Improving board we teach a strategy that involves not JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain).

from my end you dont owe him an explanation for your choosing to take antidepressants, and engaging in these arguments is just draining for you, no?

[K.G.]

This post made me smile. Ï used to feel l was in the wrong when we argued on the phone or face to face. The illogical way the discussion would go coupled with his talent to make me believe l was not able to have a conversation used to make me feel terrible. I wish l had recorded the discussions and the rages for days like these, when l am feeling it is all too hard. There's a long road ahead.

[cbm419]

from my end you dont owe him an explanation for your choosing to take antidepressants, and engaging in these arguments is just draining for you, no?

Exactly.  And Im really just learning to stop and check myself... .or if i do engage, do so with awareness.  This was one of the first exchanges where instead of being triggered/taking his bait, I just giggled to myself. 

feels like progress!