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[Chins2234]

Hello. I believe my SIL may have BPD. She has a lengthy history of volatile relationships, and we have had a few falling outs over the last several years, but recently has been the worst yet, and I'm not sure if it is repairable. I don't even know where to start. I don't believe she interprets reality correctly, and is easily "set off" by things that are not intended to hurt her... .her reactions are extreme and intense, and she gets VERY mean. Hateful even. I have always been a big presence in the lives of my nephews... babysitting a ton and taking them to the zoo etc.  thrown baby showers for SIL in the past... .I have been married five years and just got pregnant with my first child a year ago. I was honestly afraid for her to find out because she is extremely competitive. I feared she would become pregnant once she learned of my news... .and she did, two months later. They suffered a miscarriage and I carried full term. During my pregnancy there were several outbursts... .blocking/unblocking/blocking multiple times on social media, phone calls and texts asking when I was coming to see my parents because she and my brother could not look at me pregnant. This was extremely hurtful. I understood the loss would be very difficult to handle, and as soon as I heard the news I was sad and also afraid for myself because I knew there would be a major "blow up" over it on her end. Grieving is one thing and I understand it takes time and SIL may under more normal circumstances (not BPD) have a hard time coming around me... but it was taken much farther, with the social media issues, constant texts etc, when I tried to remove myself and stay in my home. I would get texts at dinner asking if I were coming around, or lengthy texts about how she hated pregnant people. They never once wished me well, said they were sorry but needed space (which I was trying to give them), never told me they hoped things turned out okay for my pregnancy (I had a rocky first five months and we thought we would lose our pregnancy too but thankfully we didn't). I felt targeted and pushed for a reaction. For a couple months I was afraid to say anything about feeling hurt,  because of the intensity over past situations becoming extremely volatile, and also guilty to being anything up because I knew their situation was terrible and I didn't want to be selfish or make anything worse. After a couple of months of the blocking/unblocking/blocking and constant texts, 9 told them it made me uncomfortable. In the same message I tried to strsss my point that I felt guilty even telling them that, because their situation was so much worse than mine, and I didn't want to upset them more. At first she seemed okay, but a week or so later her kids started telling me that their mommy said I turned bad, this happened on four occasions, and eventually they kept the kids from seeing me altogether, the adults (Bro and SIL would look at ground and not acknowledge me when I speak, as if I am not in the room), and have never acknowledged the birth of my baby or his presence if they come in the same room. They live on the same property as my father, so it is difficult to avoid them completely at this point although I wish I could. They became pregnant again and suffered a second loss, around 17 weeks, then she was tested and found a thyroid issue. She then told me she believes the loss of the second pregnancy was because of her hate and anger toward me because of how I handled the first loss they suffered earlier in the year. That I caused it  I obviously know this is not logical, and after the multiple social media attempts at manipilation I tried to step out completely, because I had a high risk pregnancy of my own I was trying to protect and I did not want to engage in conflict, then the daily texts started. I feel targeted, and it is awful. I wish they lived elsewhere and not with my father. It makes it extremely difficult to maintain a relationship with him or take my child for visits bc of how my LO is ignored and treated.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Chins2234:   

I'm so sorry about your SIL.  She had been very horrible to you.

Bro and SIL would look at ground and not acknowledge me when I speak, as if I am not in the room   

Have you ever tried to talk to your brother about the situation?  Would you view him as codependent? 

I wish they lived elsewhere and not with my father. It makes it extremely difficult to maintain a relationship with him or take my child for visits bc of how my LO is ignored and treated.   

Have you and your father discussed the situation?  Is it possible for your father to clue you in as to when your brother and SIL will be gone, so you can visit him.  I'm thinking he may know in some instances that they have gone somewhere for an extended period of time.

You can't change your SIL or even your brother. You can only manage your interactions and reactions, to preserve your well being and sanity.  You have to take whatever measures necessary to take care of yourself and your immediate family.  That will mean setting boundaries, which will be up to you to enforce. 

Some of the links below can be helpful in learning some strategy and gaining some understanding.  There are, also, helpful links to the right of this post.

A THEORY ON THE PATTERN OF BLAME
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271911.0

SPLITTING
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.msg588248#msg588248

BOUNDARIES
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

DISTORTED BELIEFS AND ATTITUDE OF PEOPLE WITH BPD
www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Distorted-Beliefs-and-Attitudes-of-People-with-Borderline-Disorder-42

Tips for Communicating with Someone With Borderline Disorder
www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Tips-for-Communicating-with-Someone-With-Borderline-Disorder-8

Check out some of the links and let us know what you think.  This is a good place to vent and learn about various strategies.

[P.F.Change]

Hey, Chins2234,

I'm so sorry to hear things are so hard with your SIL. It sounds like she does have some traits that are consistent with BPD. What you wrote about her children saying she told them you "turned bad" seems indicative of a behavior called splitting, which Naughty Nibbler has linked a description of. That must be hurtful to you and confusing to them. I can tell it also hurts a lot that she and your brother are not able to be happy about becoming an aunt and uncle to your new little one.

What are things like between you and your father? Have you thought about talking with a counselor about any of this?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Paula35]

Wow, wow, wow! Reading the first few lines of your post made me think for a second I was reading my own post! I can't express the relief of knowing that we are not alone in this experience.

Have you experienced a shift in the quality of the relationship with your brother?

Mine was always close and now 7 years into them being married I feel like I don't even know who is anymore.  I suspect that uBP SIL was jealous that we were close and purposefully placed a wedged between us.

I also felt a terrible betrayal on his part in the early days when he first started dating her: within a year or so, on the first occasion that she started her pathological behaviour (mistreating me, emotional blackmail, silent treatment etc) I was confused and hurt as I had been keen to have a sisterly relationship with her.  When I approached him to see what was the matter he refused to get involved, he said it was my problem with her (which I didn't understand because as far as I knew there wasn't a problem, I now know about the imagined offenses that happen in the BP mind without you knowing what you did/said)

I can sum up the feeling by comparing it to a parent who has introduced an abusive partner into the home, the kids start getting hurt/abused and the parent does nothing and blames the kids for their own abuse.

My mother is too afraid to make drastic moves because even though there are no grandchildren yet, she is terrified of them being used as weapons/bait/emotional currency.

[Chins2234]

Paula,

My brother and I were best friends growing up and until he met/married SIL.  I do believe she is jealous... .or was... .now we do not have a relationship. She has turned him against me. No one can approach him about her, he is extremely protective, to a fault. He literally will flip a switch and get extremely angry/violent. It makes me so sad to see how he is changed, and hurts that I feel so hated these days. I am sorry it took me so long to reply to this I have been extremely busy with work!