Not sure I'm ever going to be able to get over this

[jinglebells1989]

I'm sitting here 5 months after a relationship that cost me a job, had me in the hospital twice and arrested once.

This girl appeared to be nothing but sweet when we first met. She seemed enamored with me. We bumped into a friend of hers on the subway "Oh it's so nice to finally meet you!" hinting this girl talked about me all the time.

She bought me gifts. Her and her mother cooked me thanksgiving dinner. We took a trip out of town together. We were together for a year and a half.

Was I the perfect boyfriend? Of course not. But my God she discarded me like I was utter trash and the pain of this hasn't gone away. I've heard nothing from her since. A girl who told me she "would always be there" for me - now nothing.

How do we ever recover from such hell? How do we go on. My faith in humanity has been broken because of this.

[once removed]

hi jinglebells1989,

i noticed youve been here a few months with only five posts. it really helps to talk, you dont have to struggle with this pain alone  . when youre ready, it may go a long way to share more of your story with us, and we can help you process and work through it.

additionally, are you seeing a therapist? members find it an invaluable resource.

[michel71]

Little do we know how many mentally ill people we come into contact with on a daily basis. Like all of us non's here, you became intimately involved with one. You didn't know until you knew. There is no shame in running into "bad luck". You were well intentioned, open and honest. And you were not disordered. But she was.

Keep coming back and posting.

[jinglebells1989]

I'll try my best to just get my feelings out.

The hardest part right now is replaying every moment of the relationship over and over again in my head trying to figure out whether or not this is really my fault. There are days I feel like I'm the one to blame and that I'm the one who actually has a personality disorder as opposed to her.

Could this be the case? Is it possible that people who actually have a personality disorder come to these forums convinced the problem is with someone else?

[jinglebells1989]

The reason I ask the above is because when this relationship ended it was me who was having suicidal thoughts and calling/texting her all the time to the point where she called the cops on me.

However, this was due to how coldly and quickly she ended the relationship. I've never been the type to be needy or insecure with women in regards to them leaving me for another man. In fact I've always been pretty happy with being alone just as much if not more so than being in a group of people. I had things I did in my spare time outside of work (exercising, stand up comedy, exploring the city, etc), i.e. I had a life.

But when I met her she was just so into me. She made me feel great and seemed to be obsessed with me. I always thought to myself that if we ever did break up I would have to be the one to do it and that it would absolutely devastate her based on how much she seemed to care about and love me.

I've done a-lot of reading online about idealization and discarding and the typical pattern that sociopaths take when they're dating someone and it all seems to really resonate with me, but I just can't believe the basket case I became when this girl left me. It was as if she turned into a totally different person who didn't care at all about me and who never did in the first place.

[Me-Time]

Jinglebells, keep reading these boards because you will see the commonalities between what you've posted and what so many of us have been through here.

One of the things pwBPD do because they have no sense of self-image is draw you in to a point where you become enmeshed. They need to be part of you and you part of them because it's the only way they feel whole (and that doesn't really work for them). You become part of that enmeshment, and when someone discards you, apart from all the other feelings you are going to have as a result of that, you grieve a loss of yourself. It's really complex, but that summarizes it. What she did was devastating and it can feel like your whole world is crashing down. And you, naturally, react. And then you feel shame for reacting. Please don't. You are dealing with this the best you can. But definitely keep reading and posting because you need to detach from this person so you don't keep getting hurt.

[JohnLove]

Could this be the case? Is it possible that people who actually have a personality disorder come to these forums convinced the problem is with someone else?

Generally people with personality disorders seem to continously absolve themselves of personal responsibility and any accountability... .so no, its not impossible but in my experience these types don't question themselves.

Moreso, people suffering a personality disorder are almost always convinced that someone (read: anyone) else is the problem.

Hope this helps.

[once removed]

There are days I feel like I'm the one to blame and that I'm the one who actually has a personality disorder as opposed to her.

Could this be the case? Is it possible that people who actually have a personality disorder come to these forums convinced the problem is with someone else?

The reason I ask the above is because when this relationship ended it was me who was having suicidal thoughts and calling/texting her all the time to the point where she called the cops on me.

ill put it this way:

could it be the case? sure. around 50% of partners of pwBPD are personality disordered, npd and BPD traits tend to attract, members often describe their own abandonment issues, substance abuse, issues related to codependency, etc.

most of us suffer depression and anxiety in the aftermath of these relationships. in fact id encourage you to take the depression test here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

its also a common question that members ask themselves both when experiencing the aftermath of these loaded and volatile relationships, and learning about BPD.

does any of what you describe constitute a personality disorder? no. is it healthy to say "i have these issues" and sort them out with a qualified therapist? definitely!

i can certainly relate to your story, jinglebells1989. i believed my ex to be incapable of leaving me. there were many times i tried to end the relationship, but at the same time i believed she was my soulmate and would one day be my wife. so when she flipped cold over night, dumped me, jumped into a relationship she had been setting up for a good two months, and i realized she cheated probably multiple times, it was a pretty surreal pill to swallow.

sadly, this traumatic ending is all too typical here. if there is a silver lining, its that others have been and are currently in your shoes, and i can tell you that it does get better. it wont be over night, and often times it feels like things get worse before they do. keep posting and sharing with us, and invest yourself in your recovery. we are here for you every step of the way.

[jinglebells1989]

Thank you for all the responses so far. I've read them all a few times.

Another thing I wonder about is whether or not she simply just lost interest as most people do in relationships that they don't want to be in anymore and she just decided to move on. Was I the one who overreacted?

There are however a few things about her that have been the reason that what I've read on this website and other's has resonated with me.

- She was so sweet and caring towards me but she described herself as a mean person. Even her friends warned that she could be "feisty". She also told me several stories about mean things she had done to people in her past with very little empathy for those people even when she recounted the story years later.

- She came on strong with the gifts and declarations of her "loving everything about" me in the first year of our relationship.

- Her personality changed when we were with her friends. Her mood was different, she was a different person; literally a different personality. Same thing on the
phone after we broke up. I was talking to another individual than the girl I knew.
 
-After we broke up the first time she went and died half her hair blue which seemed very unnatural for her.

- She always tried to hid any intense emotional reactions. There were times that I would touch a nerve with her when talking about something she had done wrong and she would tear up and become silent, i.e. trying to brush the problem off and not talk about it anymore. However it clearly had affected her because I saw the tear in her eye. I remember one time her crying her eyes out at my place when she found out her uncle had died. She never had a great relationship with her father and considered her uncle to be her father figure. When she heard the news that he had died she was at my place and she just became hysterical. I comforted her and felt good that I was there for her during that time. But once the smoke had cleared she acted like she was embarrassed that I saw her cry. It was as if she felt ashamed that I had seen her that vulnerable and just wanted to forget it ever happened. To me something like this would really bond two people but she acted like she just wanted to move on from that experience that we shared together.