Reasons they left?

[Confused#9999]

My ex gf told me that I'm abusing her, (I asked her why she is distant again, after 4 awesome days we spent together, and after she was so caring and nice). I asked her how she can switch off so quick and do a 180, she stopped me right away and said that she's not dealing quirk "my drama". Also, that I was trying to control her feelings and emotions, by asking that. She also asked me don't I want to be with someone who would love me back, and that she didn't love me. Even though she ACTED exactly like someone who loves another person, she would not admit it. She goes "I didn't say it, so don't watch my actions, listen to my words". I was like what the heck,so weird.
I also reminded her of her past abusive boyfriend, even though she couldn't give me one thing I did like him. Messes with the mind. That was all in one day, all the and the brake up in one day. It's like she didn't about it at all, or thought about it for a few days.
Creating things between us was done quite often, usually after we see each other and got close, it's that a normal BPD, covert narcissist behavior?
It helps sharing these stories so I can't wait to hear others.

[Aesir]

My ex could act like she cared very well. But once I got to know her it was obvious that she was behaving a certain way to get something. When I didn't deliver on what ever she wanted she would lash out. She would also make up or alter details of my past actions and conveniently forget her part in them. It's nuts.

[Hisaccount]

My ex told me I was a great father, and provider, and caretaker, but a bad husband.

That is projecting because I was an awesome husband. But she was a horrible wife. She did nothing to help around the house, nothing to help with the kids and nothing that a loving couple would do for each other. Of course she blames me for why she doesn't do those things but we all know that is not true.

She called me abusive, I was controlling and verbally abusive. So not the case as you all know having gone through it.

I will have a better happy life someday.

[Confused#9999]

  Hisaccount 

Did she try to come back after that?

[Hisaccount]

Not yet. The divorce isn't even final. With kids and family around she has not been alone.

I would imagine in a couple weeks she will be reaching out again. She cannot handle being alone.

So I have not got my first recycle yet. Unless all the times we tried again over the years counts.
She broke up with me while we were dating. That was 10 years ago. If the pattern repeats then I suspect in a couple months she will decide I am not so bad.

I know she will come back. I just hope I can heal enough to not let her come back.

Stay strong. A relationship with them will never be a happy one.

[vanx]

Confused #9999,
Your post resonated with me and some of what was on my mind this morning, missing my ex. I think this is one of the main things that leads to a lot of confusion and thinking over what happened after the fact, the inconsistency and rapidly changing emotions. My ex would compare me with her former partners sometimes too, or in her case, actually herself in the past, or sometimes her father.
I'm sorry for the pain that must come up from feeling loved but being told you are not. I know with my ex, she kind of went back on everything after she broke up with me. She said she had just been going along with what I wanted the whole time. It hurts, but I think it is pretty common with BPD. She may just be going with whatever she feels at the moment, even if the week before she was sure she did love you. From what I understand, it can be very difficult for a pwBPD to accept certain responsibility, and very painful to cope with shame.
Even though my ex is a super sweet and caring person, she could be irritable and blaming, and she said some things that are VERY similar to the "demands" placed by your ex of the type of conduct you are supposed to have, rather than a more calm and mature statement about one's inner needs. Sometimes I would be having poor communication skills myself, and start to ask something but get lost, and she would say "either ask me directly or don't say anything. It's not my job to know what you're thinking." Granted, that's accurate, but it was strange to me to be told how to act or what I was thinking. It dawned on me later that in my case, my ex was paranoid about feeling controlled by me and also could say things that were like commands. But I think it's due to the lack on consistency or control she feels within.
Likewise comparing you to an  abusive ex ... .It does mess with the mind. It hurt to be compared with my ex's father, because I know she felt abandoned and abused by him. This does sound like 100% projection to me though, so really, your mind deserves to be completely unaffected by this! I don't know, my r/l was really short, so I never got to understand everything as well as I wanted, but yeah, I think I've been in that same place. It's confusing.

[Confused#9999]

Well my "relationship" was about 6 months. She broke up once after 4 months, she came back a few days later, and I'm 100% because she couldn't reel someone else in.
She was worried so much that I would and am controlling her, it was nuts and so out of nowhere. It would be so sudden so many times, and it had nothing to do with what we're doing at the time. She was so insecure about herself and such low self esteem. She never said it, but it was pretty obvious. Talking about being hit on in bars etc etc, way more than other girls the bar,even though she didn't dress very sexy or anything. It's like she wanted me to believe guys wanted her so bad, regardless how much I showed her how I felt about her and wanted her and thought she was pretty and hot. It's like a bucket with a whole ah the bottom. No matter how much I reassured her of things, it was never enough.

[vanx]

Confused#9999,
I know it doesn't make things completely easier, but what you're describing is similar to what I experienced and many peoples' stories I've come across on here. How long ago was the recent breakup?
I think what you said is an important point about it feeling like never enough. It's really tough to prove to someone that you care for them or are not trying to control them unless they are in part willing to be open to believing.

[K.G.]

My ex broke up with me in the space of one sentence. The conversation was upbeat and we'd had a great day, but the sentence began with 'you're great, I love you' ... .and ended with ... .'I need time'. The turnaround was in a space of a second.

I am tired of trying to put meaning to behaviour that cannot really be rationalised. I am tired of wondering why someone would become so enraged and end a relationship because I forgot to buy the butter or I forgot to put the bread away, or because of the position of the moon. I make light of it because I honestly don't know what else to do.

I am also trying to recover from my break up. The problem with these relationships that is perplexing is that the rages/bad times are seemingly (for us) not founded on anything. And the bad times are the flip side of amazing times (there is no in-between).

My ex would enrage and completely change the atmosphere and blame me for disrespecting him. It would take him a while to compose himself. Whatever happened though, I was always to blame and the cause of his anger. I did not know how to handle any of of what was happening, but realised that there was underlying mental disorder going on. I read about BPD, and it all fitted. He will always believe that I was the deficient one in the relationship and that I failed him because I kept causing his rage. For a while, I accepted this and even started to believe there was something wrong with me. The irony is that everyone that knows me knows how calm and placid as an individual I am. And yet I let this man make me believe that I could trigger such rage. I felt like it was my fault.

Despite all of the above I wanted the relationship to work. There are a number of personal reasons that we want relationships to work, including the time that we have invested and the fact that the good times can be great. And that seems to be a common thread here, that people who exhibit traits of BPD are quite fun, attractive, and interesting - even when they are low functioning individuals. My former relationship gave me some of the best times. I don't quite know if I am being accurate here, but I have read many similar descriptions of partners.

I digress, but my point is that there is no way to rationalise and understand the reasons that they left. They left because they left. They left because in their minds we are not the 'right persons' for them. I cannot say I do not love my ex, I do. But I know that if he had not left, I would have slowly lost myself because I would not have had the courage to leave him. I would have always believed that my love would save the day! And then I would be firmly stuck in the mud. I would not have had the heart to leave someone who was so vulnerable.  Stop looking for reasons, it is harder said than done, but focus on what you can make sense of and what you can control.

For me, I always know I did my best. I offered my love and support and it was not enough. Nothing would have been enough. I wish you the best of luck. It is not easy, but it is not impossible to recover from this... . 

[Confused#9999]

It's been two and a half weeks for me. We started talking June 21st. She reached a bit after the other guy didn't care for the coldness and distance. She broke it off on the phone from Salt Lake city Airport on the way home to from her vacation in California at the end of October. Then 3 days later "how are you doing? I miss you". We got back together, and a month later, boom, same thing again. Out of nowhere. There hasn't been a day where I didn't wish she'd text me, and that she won't. I'm stuck in limbo and can't accept that she was the way she was.
I was made to believe she's this victim of abuse by past boyfriend and that she's so sweet, shy, innocent and meek. My mind can't imagine anything else. Until I accept for who she is, moving on will not be possible. It's like I need irrefutable proof of who she really is, even though I saw things that did not add up.

[K.G.]

I would stop looking for proof. It really sounds like you are torturing yourself. I have been there too trying to make sense of things. There are no easy answers. There are no easy solutions. It seems it is all too raw for you right now. What is that you want? She is the person that you have seen (with the good side, with the volatile side, with the BPD traits)... you don't need proof because you have lived it already. Take a step back. Maybe talking to a counsellor will help you.

[ShadowA]

I get this way too.

But you'll never understand because their reality is distorted.
Even if you get the answer you're looking for, it'll probably be a half-truth

[Confused#9999]

It's getting better, it's just hard to realize she isn't what she made me believe she is. It seems impossible to accept that.

[ShadowA]

It's getting better, it's just hard to realize she isn't what she made me believe she is. It seems impossible to accept that.

Trust me, I know how you feel. I felt the same thing earlier today. Also I've been in many recycles with mine. I know how it feels to try to analyze and figure out their own mind. For me, I start wanting to make excuses for my BPD ex and try to actually find my own faults.
  I think it's because we know how good they can be and how innocent they can be when they idolize and lovebomb. So our own mind tries to make logic for them to where we can come to terms and make sense of it. Additionally, it seems most people who have a BPD lover are want-to-be saviors. The heros. At one point we were the heros, so we thought, for them.
  If we're the heroes, it's hard to accept that the person whom we loved so much and we "protected" are corrupt and disordered. Shockingly, that they could go against us, while changing history, lying, and having no care for our well being.

[Confused#9999]

Thanks Shadow, it is hard to wrap my mind around that thought and how easy it was for her to twist things and use it to leave. I've only had one recycle really, and the way she left, "I deserve someone who will love me, and that I'd be a great catch for someone, just not her", I feel like she won't be coming back. Part of me wants her to stay gone, but the addiction part hopes she reaches out. It's pretty messed up.
As soon as I called her out on her coldness and distancing, yet again after we became close, she used everything she could to leave. It's mine bogglingly confusing and crazy making.

[Duped 1]

I like the way you worded that Shadow: "They have no care for our well being". After all the declarations of endless love, hopes and dreams of a life together, and all we had been through to be thrown in the trash, have them turn their family against me, and have an immediate replacement with absolutely no empathy or remorse has been the worst experience of my life. Makes me question her humanity

[vanx]

Confused, I feel for you--5 weeks NC myself, some days better than others, but have struggled with similar questions. My therapist suggested to me that even if we had my ex in the room, she may not be able to explain all the whys, and may not know herself. I think that's the essence of what makes it so painful, the impossibility of getting the closure you want, or of feeling a mutual conclusion. Take good care of yourself. 2 1/2 weeks is very fresh.

[apollotech]

Creating things between us was done quite often, usually after we see each other and got close, it's that a normal BPD, covert narcissist behavior?

Confused,

That sounds like engulfment. You two got too close, she couldn't regulate her emotions, herself, so she caused a situation---argument, accusations, infidelity, etc.---which put distance between y'all. That's the push component of the push/pull scenario. Get too far away, they come running back (you're the best thing since ice cream); that's fear of abandonment kicking in, the pull component. Believe it or not, there is purpose behind the madness.

[Confused#9999]

I know there is purpose behind the behavior, just sucks. I'm stuck here missing her, while she's probably talking to or started seeing someone else. In the 5 days we were broken up at the end of October she was snapping pics to the guy she dated for about two months in April and May. He ended it, I'm sure he is healthier than me and saw the emotional unavailablity, because he ended it.
My guess is that she was trying to see if he'd be interested again. The fact that she hasn't reached out yet just solidifies that belief.
It sucks horribly missing someone who just gave you crumbs of attention and emotional availability, and I'm stuck in those 4 days where we were good, before the break up. All I keep thinking is "why couldn't she be normal".
It hurts to see a glimpse of how caring and wonderful she can be, only to have it stripped away. But the worst thing is the denial of the behavior on her side. She didn't see anything wrong with how cold and distant she became.
Yes I'm hurting and miss her, why, I don't know, so I had to get that off my chest.

[Hisaccount]

"stuck in those 4 days"
That is something I do and I see often on here with others as well.

For me the good days were enough to keep going through the bad. But we all are striving to get back to the good days or we hope that the person we fell in love with will re emerge and stick around.
In most cases those days never come.

So then we have to look at the person as a whole. They are two people the good and the bad. Then we have to accept them that way.

Was there really enough good to outweigh the bad?
My heart says yes, but my mind says no.

[Confused#9999]

The cold, distant and emotionally unavailable definitely outweigh the good, and I know that. I still can't stop myself from thinking and missing her. It'd nuts. These feelings come and go on waves, each and every day,and the only thing that keeps popping into my mind are the good times and the associated feelings. Can't for the life of me remember a bad one and the associated bad feelings with it.
My codependency is in full effect today. From I can help her, to "rescuing her", it's not a good day today.

[Hisaccount]

As healthy individuals we tend to forget the bad. Part of the self preservation and healing process. We deal with it and move on.
So it can be hard, but you have to find the bad and hang onto it.

I know where you are at. I have sat around for days not being able to get passed those thoughts of missing her and sadness.

I am doing my best to brainwash myself, to attach negative to the positive memories.
Constantly reminding myself, she was not a good wife, not a good person to me. I will be happy again.

Those things are true for you as well. You are more than the sum of your mistakes.

[apollotech]

Confused,

I know you're hurting brother, and I feel for you. It is all very confusing, their behavior, and emotionally draining. I too have been there.

The best thing that I can tell you, which helped me, is to learn about the disorder, how it manifests itself in relationships. I believe that after that, one can view the behavior and chaos which said behavior caused more objectively (with little emotional attachment).

You mentioned remembering all of the good times, just remember that that too, idealization, is a component of the disorder. A new suitor will go through the same misery that you went through. BPD is not "cured" with the right suitor match.

Hang in there. It does get better with time and understanding (knowledge of the disorder).

[Pretty Woman]

I overslept once and she dumped me.

I should have never gotten back with her after that. EVERYTHING was considered rejection. If I happened to glance at someone in passing, I "wanted" them, according to her. If I was late because of an accident, I must "not care enough" about us and our relationship.

The standards set were unattainable. I was set up to fail. Not one person on this planet could reach the extreme expectations she set. You would have to be an unemployed mind reader with a trust-fund to cater to her ever changing needs.

I was so exhausted and tired of walking on eggshells I began resenting her. I can honestly say I was sick of her by the end. She was terrible and I don't envy my replacement who was stupid enough to let her move in.

[Confused#9999]

I was never love bombed, but instead threat bombed,which makes it that much more confusing. She had intermittent days of being normal and like a real relationship,but never over the top.