Wish I knew why

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Feeling pretty bothered by not knowing.

Had a bad dream tonight. Guess subconcious was trying to figure out 'why'.
It came to the conclusion that perhaps she was pregnant with the other guy. Didn't want to tell me, so acted hostile toward me instead... Cut me out, moved in with him, and chose to be with him. That she didn't want to be friends or even tell me what's going on out of being afraid.

My gut feeling is telling me that might be it, and I'll never hear from her again.


Even though it would hurt, I Just wish I knew the actual reason why.
It's very painful to me that she couldn't even tell me herself why.

[ShadowA]

Feeling pretty bothered by not knowing.

Had a bad dream tonight. Guess subconcious was trying to figure out 'why'.
It came to the conclusion that perhaps she was pregnant with the other guy. Didn't want to tell me, so acted hostile toward me instead... Cut me out, moved in with him, and chose to be with him. That she didn't want to be friends or even tell me what's going on out of being afraid.

My gut feeling is telling me that might be it, and I'll never hear from her again.


Even though it would hurt, I Just wish I knew the actual reason why.
It's very painful to me that she couldn't even tell me herself why.

[enlighten me]

With my exgf once I was devalued that was it. It could just be that she decided like my exgf that I was no longer the one.

Its a hard pill to swallow. Unfortunately that seems to be the way some pwBPD are. Its no reflection on us it just how they are.

[heartandwhole]

Hi ShadowA,

It's really painful to not know why. Really hard. My heart goes out to you. 

It makes sense that your mind would create reasons—it's natural and puts the universe back into some kind of order that makes sense. But deep down, there is a part of you that wants an explanation from her, and that is very understandable.

Do you think you can accept that you may never get a reason that makes sense to you? Can you attribute the breakup to the likelihood that your ex couldn't have a healthy relationship with you, for whatever reason, BPD or other issues?

I recommend feeling your feelings as much and as deeply as you can, and then, when you are ready, begin to fill your thoughts with something other than your past relationship. It takes time and patience, but the tides DO turn. They did for me, and they will for you, too.

Do you have a therapist, ShadowA?

Hang in there. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Hisaccount]

I am sure you are playing everything over in your head like the rest of us do. Trying to make sense of it.
Bad dreams for me were pretty common as well. I could never get back to sleep after waking up.
They do pass though.

For me understanding this is a shame based disorder helps. It isn't your fault at all. She hates herself and is running away from having to admit her mistakes.

there is no logic to it, it is about how they feel and hiding from their feelings.

Hang in there, it will get better. Try to remember it is not you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are dealing with someone that has a broken mind.

[ShadowA]

Thanks guys appreciate your responses... .

@Enlighten me ; Yeah I understand that, It's just scary when they devalue. Especially when you don't know why. Mix in the fact that they can rewrite history and compulsive lie to favor themselves... It just makes it sad. I don't want to be seen as a bad guy by someone I love.

@Heartandwhole ; Thanks for the thoughts. That's what I have trouble the most is accepting there may be no explanation. When I think back on everything that I try to piece together what she says... The history and timing is all over the place. It gets to the point where you can't tell the truth.
You go well maybe A... but she said B to others... But there's evidence of C... But A makes most sense... .But why would she say B? B doesn't apply to this situation. Then there's C... . but wait, C possibly can't be true because it doesn't make sense.  Etc... etc...   Guess I'm trying to find logic in how all the puzzle pieces fit, but in reality the pieces are from all sorts of puzzles...

As for Therapy, No. But I've wondered for a while now, if that could truly help me.

@Hisaccount ; That's exactly what I'm doing. It doesn't help that I have pretty good memory as well... It makes it quite easy to re-read into everything, and I have a tendency to try to find out flaws on what I did or could have done better, resulting in me beating myself up.

 

[enlighten me]

Non of us want to be thought bad of. For a long time it bothered me. My reality and hers where worlds apart which was confusing. Eventually I came to the conclusion that her opinion didn't matter. I know I am a good person. I have my flaws but those flaws didn't justify how I was treated. I also realised that no matter what I did I could never change her mind. Only she can do that. Once Id accepted this then a weight was lifted from my shoulders.