In-law with BPD: need help bringing conflict to a resolution

[TDeer]

Hi there,

I've been researching since I heard about BPD, but it was only after a few months of escalating conflict with my in law. This in law used to seem normal enough to me, maybe a little quirky, but not mentally ill.

After a ton of research, what I can ascertain is that this in law meant well in some instances (was downright mean in others) and was trying so hard to fix things because she was fixated and not practicing DBT skills such as distress tolerance... .but I was blocking her and trying to get her out of my life because I felt suffocated, disrespected, and that she couldn't even fathom that she was hurting me by not giving me the time and space I needed to work things out.


It was also a time of big transition, which meant that she was also suffering from the fear of abandonment.

The more I research, the more I start to understand what was actually happening with the disease vs. what I saw happening.

She's still in denial about BPD and not seeking treatment. She can be really mean, try to do harmful emotionally damaging things, but if I had known then what I know now, I could have reacted better at least.

She was trying to use money and resources to manipulate as well, which is wrong, but I could have used my wise mind to deal with it instead.


Oi... .maybe I'm kidding myself that things might have been better or maybe it just doesn't matter. No one informed me until it was too late anyway.


But what do I do now? My husband is stuck and doesn't want to provoke her so I haven't been to the gatherings to which she would attend. I did send a small gift and she sent a gift too. I was very suprised because my husband does say she still says mean things.


Sorry for the babbling. Where do I start? I was trying to go to a therapist who would know BPD and DBT, but that didn't help much as they don't give me concrete guidance.


Thank you,


TDeer

[Kwamina]

Hi TDeer and welcome to  bpdfamily

We can never know for certain if things would have been different, but what I can say is that by changing our own behavior and responses, we will change the dynamics of our relationships, regardless of whether the other person changes or not.

I gather from your post that your in-law has been diagnosed with BPD but that you only found out about it recently. When and how did you learn about her diagnosis?

How long ago did your in-law get diagnosed? It is unfortunate that she does not accept this diagnosis. Do you feel like she acknowledges any of her issues at all or is she in complete denial about everything?

We have a thread here about dealing with BPD in-laws that you might also find helpful:
BPD in-laws: Experiences and coping strategies

Take care

PS. Don't worry about the babbling, as The Board Parrot I really don't have a problem with it so please babble on

[TDeer]

Ok so I hope I'm hitting reply and doing this correctly!


Thank you for your response, moderator parrot.

Her daughter is an M.D. and I'm trusting she's done enough research and had enough personal and professional experience to make the diagnosis because it fits very well. The more research I do, the more my in law's behavior is consistent with BPD.


My in law is still angry with me, but this is from her splitting. I used to be idealized and could do no wrong, but then I'm not even sure what it was that triggered her to split and I guess I can't take responsibility for that really either since I didn't know... .but more so because I was planning my wedding and she apparently wasn't happy with something and that seems like it was inevitable.


Anyways, she apparently reacted well to her daughter face to face about the BPD and need for DBT, but then has been reacting badly in private. So I don't think she's accepted the need for help. The daughter suggested to my husband that I should give the fake apology to the BPD in law, but this wouldn't be respectful to either me or her. The daughter thinks it would settle the BPD down better and allow her BPD mind to focus on getting help instead of distress at losing me I guess even though she's mad at me... .?

As I type this I start processing and realizing what that means. It means that since the BPD doesn't have distress tolerance skills, then to get an apology (even though she did a lot of hurtful things) could help her move to get therapy?

I kind of get it now, but I don't want this in law to think she "won" and can treat me badly in the future too... .I don't want to be a doormat. I've been thinking that I could try to give some validation, but maybe try to explain where we went wrong so that we can be sure not to go off course again?

[Turkish]

Here's the bottom line: you can't force her to get better. Additionally, it's not your responsibility. She owns what she owns (and it sounds like she isn't owning it), but you own what you own,  only that within your orbit which you can control,  which isn't her.  This may help for some perspective:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline

One of the core feelings of a pwBPD is shame ("I'm a bad person who doesn't deserve to be loved". It's sometimes hard to comprehend as pwBPD (people with BPD) can often act narcissistic,  but it's true.  Triggering shame can result in thru they lashing out.  It's best not to go there (many of us have,  including myself).

If she won't seek help,  that's on her. We can help you communicate better and learn to set healthy boundaries for sure.  But this is what you own,  and what you can control. 

[TDeer]

How do I allow myself to give up on her? At least until she may get help? In some ways I already have since I've insulated myself from her and have not had contact.

My husband (it's his relative) has been in contact with her, but it's also limited since she "comes with the package" with another beloved relative. (Which is also a bit crazy to hang with the person not getting help... .)

I know it's a strength not to give up  on people, but I know any strength can be overdone... .Am I overdoing it by researching so much? I want to understand and I come closer each time I read more, but it's taken a long time. It still isn't changing the fact of what I own - as you pointed out.

So... .I'll own what I own and nothing else.


But about communication and healthy boundaries. I will not apologize for something I didn't do or a situation I did not create.

But I do hear that validation is necessary, but that's only if I "owned" something and really did something hurtful?

Communication... .I'm guessing that I've been communicating this entire time by not having contact with her and I really don't want to talk to her, but I'd like things to get better as well. But I can't force her to take steps in the right direction. I also own the fact that I won't be a doormat and go let her verbally abuse me either. Or try to control me with things. That's what I'm "owning" is my own rights? And I'm NOT "owning" what's her responsibility.

Soo... .for communication. Nothing for now makes sense unless she reaches out and tries to make things right? No matter how ill she is... .there's still a two-way street and she has to clean her side, so to speak?

When would it be healthy to have contact again? I'm not 100% sure if that's contingent on her getting help or only on her acting better. I think I'd need to know she was getting help honestly to have her back in my life more than she vicariously is.

What kind of healthy boundaries? I allow my husband to receive mail from her, but in fact, I'd like to rip it to shreds sometimes because we are newlyweds and EVERY OTHER person sends Christmas cards to us as a couple. (This is his mother by the way)

So I just pass on the mail to him begrudgingly since it would only do him emotional harm to rip it up or it would provoke her further, which I don't need.

Now I'm sure I sound super nice, but I guess it's not really my fault as to how angry I can be about this, rather just how I act about it.

Thank you for the feedback. It's definitely some good food for thought. I wish I could fix it, because it would be loads easier and it would be fixed by now.

[TDeer]

I just read the article about boundaries... .

What do I do with gifts I receive if I don't want them from the pwBPD?

It's my mother-in-law and it helps to keep the peace in order to let her send me whatever stuff since my husband still has low contact with her.

Do I send them back and risk hurting my husband's feelings?

[Naughty Nibbler]

I just read the article about boundaries... .What do I do with gifts I receive if I don't want them from the pwBPD?  Do I send them back and risk hurting my husband's feelings?

I guess it depends on what the gifts are and the exact situation. Your husband should share in the decision.  Are you sending the gifts back, because you hate her and want to hurt her back?

What kind of healthy boundaries? I allow my husband to receive mail from her, but in fact, I'd like to rip it to shreds sometimes because we are newlyweds and EVERY OTHER person sends Christmas cards to us as a couple. (This is his mother by the way)

You say you ALLOW your husband to receive mail from her?  The statement sounds hostile.  No matter how much you hate his mother, you have to respect any mail that is addressed to your husband only. 

But about communication and healthy boundaries. I will not apologize for something I didn't do or a situation I did not create. But I do hear that validation is necessary, but that's only if I "owned" something and really did something hurtful?

You don't want to validate the invalid.  Validation isn't about agreeing with someone and it isn't about apologizing about something.  It is about acknowledging a person's feelings.  Minimally, it is about NOT invalidating someone by words or expressions.
The information below on levels of validation might be helpful for you.

Level One
Overall show interest in the other person (through verbal, nonverbal cues), show that you are paying attention (nodding, eye contact, etc.) Ask questions - "What then?" Give prompts - "Tell me more," "Uh-huh."

Level Two
Use accurate reflection - "So you're frustrated because you son hasn't picked up his room." Summarize what the person is sharing, then ask - "Is that right?" Take a nonjudgmental stance toward the person, be matter-of-fact, have an "of course" attitude.

Example: "My therapist doesn't like me."
Validation: "You are feeling really certain she hates you." Note that you don't have to actually agree with the person about their perceptions.

Level Three
Try to "read" a person's behavior, imagine what they could be feeling, thinking or wishing for. It feels good when someone takes the time to think about our life experiences. Remember to check for accuracy. It is best to not make assumptions.

Level Four
Validate the person's behavior in terms of causes like past events present events even when it may be triggered based on dysfunctional association. 

*Validate feelings like, "Since your new boss reminds you of your last one, I can see why you'd be scared to meet with her," or "Since you have had panic attacks on the bus, you're scared to ride one now."

Level Five
Communicate that the person's behavior is reasonable, meaningful, effective.
*Validate feelings like, "It seems very normal to be nervous before a job interview - that sure makes sense to me," or "It sounds like you were very clear and direct with your doctor."

Level Six
Treat the person as valid - not patronizing or condescending.
Recognize the person as they are with strengths and limitations.
Give the person equal status, equal respect.
Be genuine with the person about your reactions to them and about yourself.
Believe in the other person while seeing their struggles and pain.

The links below lead to informatioin about validation or NOT invalidating.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#

[Turkish]

How would sending them back risk hurting your husband's feelings?

I agree with you about not apologizing for whatever perceived slight which resulted in her splitting you.  You don't want to validate the invalid (especially when you don't know what it is).

You're newlywed.  You want to move on and grow into your new life with your husband.  He's still walking on eggshells with the only mother here's ever known. Can you empathize  without "rescuing" him and let him deal with his mother apart from you? I know this is complicated. It can be very hard for the children of borderlines to separate, even as adults. To put it more simply,  and it's often hard to suss out the right thing to do,  especially if one has Rescuer or Peacekeeper tendencies, as your H likely developed in order to survive growing up in that household.