Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:06:42 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I get anxious and upset dealing with him  (Read 410 times)
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« on: January 03, 2017, 01:24:50 PM »

I keep hoping for the day when I can deal with him without getting anxious and irritated. As time goes on, it gets better. Today isn't one of those days. I am so irritated with his selfishness and lack of interest in the kids. I just need to vent and maybe get some validation.

I let him come over and hang out with the kids and box up some of his stuff yesterday. He wanted a DVD player. There was one in the storage room that he took. I wasn't sure if it would work or not. He had to message me last night that it worked. I didn't respond. Today, he messages me that it already stopped working.

Here is our conversation:

Me: (I sent a link to some job postings. The only thing in the email was the link. I didn't add any words or explanation.)

Him: Thanks. BTW, the DVD player already stopped working, so no need to worry about a remote.

Me: While you are busy fretting over a dvd player, I am trying to feed kids and figure out what to do for <daughter's> birthday.

Him:  I wasn't fretting... .just informing. What do you want to do for <daughter's> birthday? I'm seriously thinking about running <music equipment> over to <local music store> to see what I can get for it.

Me: I don't give a s**t about whether or not you have a dvd player. Why are you telling me? I also don't give a s**t what you do with your stuff.

Why didn't you ask <daughter> about her birthday when you were here yesterday.

Him:  Ok

I was just trying to be in the moment when I was there yesterday. I also forgot to grab my <music equipment> and those drinks that you wanted to give me.

Me: Am I understanding this correctly? You ignored your daughter and did not ask her about her birthday because you were trying to stay present? How does that work?

Him: Ok, I messed up.
Could I stop by and pick up my <music equipment> sometime?

Me: That story is getting really old. You ignore the fact that your daughter is about to have a birthday and don't discuss it with her or me and I am supposed to be sympathetic to you because you messed up. Imagine how it would feel to be a kid and have a parent that didn't care about your birthday.

Him: I'm trying to discuss it with you now... .

Me: You can wait until you come over for <daughter's> birthday. I am not going to let you use forgetting as an excuse to come over here and torment us at your convenience.

Him: Ok, I was only going to be there for less than 5 minutes to pick that up, but it can wait.
Was yesterday such a torment?

Me: The only thing you have tried to discuss with me is your dvd player and your equipment. You did not give a s**t about <daughter> until I brought it up.

Him: OK.
Let me know when to be there for <daughter's> birthday, and I'll be there.

The above is the conversation we had. I walked away feeling a bit crazy because he was NOT really trying to discuss the upcoming birthday. He kept trying to talk about his stuff. I could feel myself getting more and more anxious and angry. I am so tempted to text him and let him have it. I know that won't do any good and will just confirm that I am crazy/mean/whatever. If I were to try and call him on it, he would tell me, "I was trying to discuss her birthday with you but you cut me off." That is his usual tactic. Is there anywhere in that conversation where he made an actual attempt to discuss the birthday? I stopped and walked away because I could tell that it would be some kind of circular crap where I ended up feeling bad.

He did this same kind of thing at Christmas and then tried to tell me it wasn't fair that I didn't invite him over for Christmas day. Forget the fact that I invited him over to spend all day with us on Christmas Eve, which included time at my family's holiday gathering. When I would try to talk to him about Christmas stuff for the kids, he would do the same thing. I couldn't rely on him for any kind of help so I did it all myself and then he had the nerve to tell me that it wasn't fair.

In rereading this conversation, I realize that I did NOT answer him when he asked me what I wanted to do for daughter's birthday. I deliberately avoided answering the question because I am tired of him expecting me to plan everything and then tell him what I am doing so he can tag along and get credit for being an awesome parent. I was trying to see if he had asked daughter about her birthday. He is terrible about NOT talking to the kids directly and asking me to tell him what to do.

Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2017, 02:07:31 PM »

Validation: Yeah, he really does suck as a parent!

I think the part which is driving you CRAZY is the belief that you have some influence over whether he's a sucky parent or not.

It matters to your daughter if he does anything for her birthday or not. If he blows it off, she'd be hurt and disappointed. For that matter if you blew her birthday off, she'd be disappointed and hurt too, not that there is any chance you would do that to her.

You care about your daughter--you don't want her to be disappointed by him.

So far, so good.

But you get in trouble at the next step.

You tried to get him to step up and do the right thing as a parent.

And it all went to sh** starting there.

It isn't even your job to remind him of his daughter's birthday. He can operate a calendar if he wants to.

It is OK to be really really pissed at him for failing your kids like this.
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2017, 08:05:07 AM »

I think the part which is driving you CRAZY is the belief that you have some influence over whether he's a sucky parent or not.

Intellectually, I know that I have zero influence over whether or not he is a sucky parent.

What drives me crazy is seeing the pain and hurt that his behavior causes our kids. It is so hard to see the kids get repeatedly let down by him. I know I don't have any kind of influence on him.

Excerpt
It matters to your daughter if he does anything for her birthday or not. If he blows it off, she'd be hurt and disappointed.

And I have to deal with the fall out. . .I have to deal with the kids asking me why dad is like he is. I am the one that comforts the kids when he fails them yet again.

Excerpt
It isn't even your job to remind him of his daughter's birthday. He can operate a calendar if he wants to.

Yes, it is my job to put together a birthday celebration for our daughter. Including him and having him there is also my job. I am sorry but I will make every reasonable attempt to give my kids a good birthday even if that means having to deal with him and remind him. It is NOT my daughter's fault that her dad is the way he is. These kids did NOT ask for any of this.

Excerpt
It is OK to be really really pissed at him for failing your kids like this.

It is quite likely that I will be pissed for a long time over this. For so many years, he would pay lip service to this notion that being a husband and a father was his vocation. He would go on and on and on about how important his kids were to him. He wrote blog posts and said crap like, "The best gift you can give your kids is to love their mother." I could go on and on about the stuff that he has said about parenting, being a dad, and how he wanted to be so different than his parents. Blah, blah, blah. Pissed doesn't even begin to describe the anger that I have over what he is doing to our kids.

We had a nice family party for our daughter. It went well. I planned two different celebrations. One that included him and one that didn't. The one that doesn't include him will be this weekend and he will have no part of it. The kids were able to tolerate him much better because we have been talking about expectations and what they can realistically expect from dad. The oldest summed it up nicely, "I like hanging out with dad as long as I hang out with him like I would a friend without any kind of expectation of him helping or acting like a parent." Since we are working on more realistic expectations, the kids did much better with him. He took all of the credit for their improved interactions. The kids did better with him because HE was in a better place. What a bunch of complete and utter hogwash! He has not changed or done anything any different in the time he has been out of the house. He is still living in the same place. He goes to his SA meetings, plays his games, and that is pretty much it.

He is bragging about getting an interview at a local hardware store. I am glad for him yet am still scratching my head because he has gotten very little interest from within our field. I have a an interview for a professional position this coming week. I am excited and nervous as I haven't worked full time in a long time. I haven't even gone on a job interview in a whole lot of years either. The kids are upset at the prospect of me working full time and continue to ask me why dad can't get a job so we can keep things like they have been for their entire lives. I am so mad at him because I am the one that gets asked these questions and I can't really tell the kids that dad is a big giant turd that only seems to care about his computer games and chasing people online. So, I try to find safe places to vent my frustration with him so that I can keep plugging along with a smile.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2017, 09:19:15 AM »

Yes, it is my job to put together a birthday celebration for our daughter. Including him and having him there is also my job. I am sorry but I will make every reasonable attempt to give my kids a good birthday even if that means having to deal with him and remind him.

I'd draw the line in a different place than you do here.

I agree, it is your job to plan a birthday celebration for your daughter, and that including him in the plans/inviting him would fit in that.

I don't think it is your job to remind him or nag him into doing the right thing.

As I said before, I can understand that you were pissed at him, but when you started into this, it sounded like picking a fight and trying to nag/guilt him into doing the right thing for your daughter.
Me: While you are busy fretting over a dvd player, I am trying to feed kids and figure out what to do for <daughter's> birthday.
(And the conversation stayed in that area, or went downhill from there)

There's a saying about a broken clock telling you the right time twice a day... .I think this was one of them:
Excerpt
Him: OK.
Let me know when to be there for <daughter's> birthday, and I'll be there.
I think he was right--that's all you need to tell him/ask him.

Excerpt
What drives me crazy is seeing the pain and hurt that his behavior causes our kids. It is so hard to see the kids get repeatedly let down by him. I know I don't have any kind of influence on him.

Yeah, that is really tough to watch. I think the best you can do is validate your kids when he does it. Again.  
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2017, 10:37:22 AM »

Yeah, that is really tough to watch. I think the best you can do is validate your kids when he does it. Again.  

It does set me off when I see the kids hurting because of the things he says and does. I will admit to picking fights with him at times. It usually happens when the kids tell me something that he has said or done. I know I can't make him step up or consider the kids or do anything really. I do occasionally pick fights with him because I am so mad at what he is doing to these kids.

I am really, really angry over the fact that he has left me holding the bag. It pisses me off that his biggest worry seems to be whether or not he has a working DVD player. I am not trying to guess what he is thinking or feeling. I imagine things are a mess in his head. I can't read his mind so I am basing my perception on what he chooses to talk to me about. He chose to talk to me about a DVD player. At face value, his concern was NOT our daughter. That pissed me off so I tried to pick a fight.

A lot of days, I don't respond to him at all. Other days, he will send an innocent text while I am in the midst of taking care of stuff and it will irritate the snot out of me. That is my problem, not his. I am really angry that I am in a position where I am facing a lot of hard decisions. His hardest decision seems to be which game he is going to play today. Again, I don't know that for certain. I am basing that on the fact that when he is around he talks about his games and his friends and his entertainment more than he does anything that resembles being a responsible adult.

When he is with the kids, he will tell me stuff like, "I couldn't apply for jobs today because I was here." I couldn't do this because blah, blah, blah. I should really be immune to his crap by now. I am not there yet. I feel like I have peeled back another layer of irritation because he keeps telling me that he can't make people hire him. I have applied for 3 jobs in the last month or two and that was while working two part time jobs and taking care of the kids. I have had a call back on two of those jobs. I got a phone interview with one and have a regular interview for the other.

When I ask him about job stuff, he acts like I know nothing about the struggles of getting a job and that I am, yet again, being unreasonable for wanting to know the status of his job search and when he will be able to reliably contribute to the support of the kids.

I have people in real life asking me stuff like, why isn't ex stepping up? Why isn't ex doing this or that? Why are you doing this or that? What are you going to do about this or that? It feels like everyone is looking to me for answers.

It is frustrating and irritating and I want to lash out at him and make him understand the implications of what he is doing. He isn't just hurting me. Our kids feel worse than I do in all of this. I chose him. The kids didn't. They have no choice in any of this. It is one thing for me to feel like he threw me away for his games, women, etc. It goes to a whole other level when he is doing it to his kids too.

Intellectually, I know I can't make him do anything. Intellectually, I know that I have to figure all of this out for myself without any regard to what he is or isn't doing. Not only do I have to figure all of this out for myself, I have 4 young people relying on me and looking to me for answers and support and it is overwhelming at times.  And I am mad. Hopping mad.


Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817


« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2017, 12:51:04 PM »

It is frustrating and irritating and I want to lash out at him and make him understand the implications of what he is doing. He isn't just hurting me. Our kids feel worse than I do in all of this. I chose him. The kids didn't. They have no choice in any of this. It is one thing for me to feel like he threw me away for his games, women, etc. It goes to a whole other level when he is doing it to his kids too.

I know this is a tough question right now, but is triggering and lashing out making things better or worse?
Logged

 
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2017, 01:43:15 PM »

I know this is a tough question right now, but is triggering and lashing out making things better or worse?

My initial gut reaction is to say that it is making things better. That is without thinking or analyzing.

If I think about it and analyze it, the answer is a bit more hazy.

When I trigger and lash out at him, he seems to respond positively. On a purely functional level, it seems to work. He will come over and spend time with the kids and things will be more peaceful. If I let him be and don't say anything, then his interactions with me and the kids seem to be more negative. It feels a bit like parenting him, which isn't cool. At the same time, I want to do whatever it takes to help the kids have time with their dad that is positive and fun. Trying to have a rational discussion with him that nets results seems futile.

If we didn't have 4 kids together, I would be content to go NC.

It feels like a double edged sword. I can't go NC because of the kids and business stuff. Talking to him can be triggering especially when he texts me something unrelated to his job search, the kids, or business.

It is frustrating for me because I know I shouldn't trigger and lash out at him yet it nets results. It works for getting what I want/need with regards to the kids.

It also works because it pushes him away.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2017, 02:10:05 PM »

It feels a bit like parenting him, which isn't cool.

It is hard to argue that parenting your husband is a good idea. Even harder to say it about your ex.

If you choose to parent your ex... .is this good parenting? Would you parent your children this way?
Excerpt
When I trigger and lash out at him, he seems to respond positively. On a purely functional level, it seems to work. He will come over and spend time with the kids and things will be more peaceful. If I let him be and don't say anything, then his interactions with me and the kids seem to be more negative.

Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2017, 02:26:47 PM »

If you choose to parent your ex... .is this good parenting? Would you parent your children this way?

That would be a resounding he! NO! That is precisely why I am not comfortable with it. It falls outside the scope of what I would consider to be good parenting. It also falls outside of the scope of what I consider to be good communication with anyone.

I can say that it is very much in line with how his mother parented him. It feels like the only way to get results with him is to act like his mother.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2017, 05:18:10 PM »

Well, you say it gets results that way... .but you clearly aren't happy about doing it. So what else can you try? I can think of two directions... .

1. Stop parenting him. You have to be willing to let him fail more than he has been up till now. He might not actually fail worse or more, but you have to at least give up on trying to stop him from failing.

2. Try better parenting techniques with him. I'm not quite sure what this one looks like; I'm not a parent, and haven't even spent much time as an uncle.
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2017, 07:39:01 PM »

1. Stop parenting him. You have to be willing to let him fail more than he has been up till now. He might not actually fail worse or more, but you have to at least give up on trying to stop him from failing.

Easier said than done! In this instance, failure has an adverse impact on the kids.

Excerpt
2. Try better parenting techniques with him. I'm not quite sure what this one looks like; I'm not a parent, and haven't even spent much time as an uncle.

And, to be honest, I am tired and I really don't have the energy to put into figuring out how to communicate with him. All communication with him feels icky right now. Sometimes, those icky feelings subside and I am okay. Other times, not so much.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!