Reframing my relationship as love addiction and recognizing I won over it

[cbm419]

I have a great Psychiatrist.  Sometimes wish I could have him for an hour a week over my therapist. haha.

Anyhow, we were speaking yesterday, and I mentioned this site. He said it sounds great, but started to ask that I reframe my perception of this situation.  He doesn't knock on how I read a lot about BPD, or that I write a lot here- but he says I need to be careful.  That spending the majority of my perception focused on BPD is, in many ways, viewing this situation for two people- me and my BPDex, and that I need to reframe my mental bandwidth back to me only. And understand that for me, this was a dangerous love addiction, and by ending this relationship I am in fact triumphing. I am detaching from someone who was like a drug- provided lots of intense gratification, but was ultimately very bad for me. Yes, learning on BPD does help me understand what happened.  However, over emphasizing the illness is missing the point... .the relationship is over. My life is now about me, and I need to stop giving BPD and my BPDex free rent in my brain.  The eviction process needs to start immediately after the break up (if not before!).  

He gave me a great book- "How to Break your addiction to a person," by Howard M Halpern, PHD. We spent the rest of the session discussing how I need to wrestle my view of this breakup squarely back onto me.  Again, nothing wrong with, intellectually, learning more about BPD and gaining support from those resources and this site.  But, as many have said on here- Discovering and learning about my exes BPD doesnt mend the wounds of my relationship anymore than it cures my BPDex's disorder.

integrating all of this thinking has provided me with immense relief in only 24 hours time.

the fact is, I WON. I am booting have booted out of my life a very negative thing. The book, and my Psych would disagree with using the five stages of detachment (often appearing on the right hand side of this section of bpdfamily) to view the breakup.  They would contend that is the long and complex process of detaching from a normal relationship.  They prefer to view this breakup like the ending of an addiction.  Which involves a shorter, but more intense mourning period followed by a sense of relief, release and triumph.

Wow, this really really helps.  There is truth in the creative idea that you have to think/actualize your reality before it will materialize as such.  And just thinking of the breakup in this new way has began to provide immense relief.  Instead of intellectualizng the BPD and conceiving how and why this illness/person "took away" aspects of myself, I am now focusing on JUST me and how to be myself again.  Forget the process that led to this- yes there is value in analyzing that, but less value, to me, than just taking my life back for myself and picking up the pieces on my own side of the street.  not trying to run back over to my exes side to "take back" what was left with him.  thats all garbage now.  Not wondering if I can fix myself by better understanding who he is/was.  That's not going to work.  I'm never going to figure him out and the small amount of progress I can gain from untangling the mess of a person he is in my own head is not worth the immense effort that demands.  I just need to kick that out and move on.  That will make for faster progress with much less effort.  My focus needs to be on me.

It was a dangerous addiction. Reading about heroin wouldn't cure a heroin addict or keep him sober.  Wondering how a safer heroin would have yielded a "better" addiction is obviously foolish thinking. And I have been getting a great deal of positive benefit from seeing my BPD ex-relationship this same way.

Doubt I'll immediately stop wanting to learn about BPD or using this site to relate to others experiences... .this does provide great help and is extremely good at keeping it green and reminding me I can never go back to my love addicting BPDex.

But I urge everyone to take a break from that modality and try out this new one for a bit.  Its very nice, and has truly brightened my day.  

[Confused#9999]

Nice post, as I  myself am getting exhausted learning about wth is wrong with her, and totally forgetting about me.
30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics by Adelyn Birch and, The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg, are great books that help with self help. The 30 tactics one was especially eye opening on how I was manipulated, and reaffirmed that I'm not crazy and was not.

[Skip]

I mentioned this site. He said it sounds great, but started to ask that I reframe my perception of this situation.  He doesn't knock on how I read a lot about BPD, or that I write a lot here- but he says I need to be careful.  That spending the majority of my perception focused on BPD is, in many ways, viewing this situation for two people- me and my BPDex, and that I need to reframe my mental bandwidth back to me only.

That is what this board (Self assessment) is for.

Learning about BPD and doing a relationship postmortem only has value in how it helps us learning what happened and helps us see who were were in the relationship so that we can heal broken parts of us. Some members lose sight of that important point. Healing and growth is not random - we can organize and work on it. The ideas that your psychiatrist shared are fundamental CBT principle.

And understand that for me, this was a dangerous love addiction, and by ending this relationship I am in fact triumphing. I am detaching from someone who was like a drug- provided lots of intense gratification, but was ultimately very bad for me.

So why did you get get enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship and unhealthy behavior and what does that mean for you going forward. Can you start to articulate that without making reference to you ex or the relationship? This is where he is pointing you.

[Skip]

"How to Break your addiction to a person," by Howard M Halpern, PHD.

We started a book discussion group for when you are ready to delve into the book:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303828

[cbm419]

Nice post, as I  myself am getting exhausted learning about wth is wrong with her, and totally forgetting about me.
30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics by Adelyn Birch and, The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg, are great books that help with self help. The 30 tactics one was especially eye opening on how I was manipulated, and reaffirmed that I'm not crazy and was not.

Exactly.  Im not training to be a psycho-analyst here folks.  When all is said and done and I've "moved on" this information will be of little utility to me.  It has had value in affirming my "not craziness" too.  Cant undermine that, especially toward the end/breakdown phase of our r/s and early phases of this detachment.  I do have concede that I am a sick/mentally flawed person for seeking, embracing and holding onto this relationship much longer than any normal person would.  But that's something I'm getting help for with my therapist and psych.  There were inner dialogues happening all throughout this r/s that i now remember clearly and am shocked I accepted.
 
"He's so attractive, this is as good as it gets."  "I'll never be good enough for someone else." "I dont like my job anyway, so its OK that he is always distracting me at work with his crises." "My friends (some who know me decades longer) Just dont get 'us'. "This intensity is because its real love, love conquers all, so it will work out" (and several other stupid pop culture platitudes that were squirrelling about my head) or worst of all "If i just didnt say xyz, he wouldn't have (hit, yelled at, cheated on) me"  

these dialogues are the root of greater issues I need to work out, and will take plenty of time energy and effort, so I need to stop overwhelming my head with BPD stuff and allowing him to continue to be so central to my inner narrative and with that, command my daily activities.  Again, this is not to downplay the usefulness of this site or what I've gained and will continue to gain from it.  I'm very certain I would not have gained these newer perspectives without bpdfamily along with my brick and mortar mental health dream team... ..

Learning oh so much about this disorder is like trying to manage two peoples separation when I can only truly manage my own. It's allowing him and his illness to maintain their tenancy in my head and life.  I have to let go.

[Skip]

When all is said and done and I've "moved on" this information will be of little utility to me.  

Howard Halpern wrote two books about love relationships in general and unhealthy ones in particular.

“How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” (1982) examined the reasons people stay in painful relationships and offered advice for weaning themselves from them.

“Finally Getting It Right: From Addictive Love to the Real Thing” (1994) offered strategies for avoiding making the same mistakes in choosing a partner that previously led to misery.

[cbm419]

That is what this board (Self assessment) is for.

Learning about BPD and doing a relationship postmortem only has value in how it helps us learning what happened and helps us see who were were in the relationship so that we can heal broken parts of us. Some members lose sight of that important point. Healing and growth is not random - we can organize and work on it. The ideas that your psychiatrist shared are fundamental CBT principle.

So why did you get get enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship and unhealthy behavior and what does that mean for you going forward. Can you start to articulate that without making reference to you ex or the relationship? This is where he is pointing you.

THIS! thank you skip... .you articulated my ideas perfectly.  As for being able to understand and articulate for myself, why I became enmeshed, without referencing him: I feel like I'm in the early stages of that, and its a wonderful sensation.

Its all about converting:

He was physically and sexually exactly my type to at T into
Why am I so consumed with sexual attraction to a certain type I would compromise on and accept so many other r/s fundamentals being flawed/absent/dysfunctioned?  How can I stop over-valuing sex and attraction and better understand adult, healthy love is about so much more? (and learn to value that "more" within a healthy balance)

He was just flawed/broken and I knew/thought I could fix him into
Whats it with me and my constant white knight syndrome/obsession with nursing the wounded sheep?  he was not the first, hopefully the last.

I always got value from being there for him into
Why do I derive so much self worth, self image and meaning from caretaking dysfunctional people?  I need to learn who I am for myself and love that person from the inside out, not define who I am from the outside in.

why did I accept him cheating on me and delude myself into thinking its okay and acceptable from him? into
I need to assert my worth and my own boundaries in love. I do not cheat, do not prefer open relationships, and need to be with a partner who shares my values.

this list could go on and on, and I think I may start making a document to track them.  Its very helpful, like I said above, there is such truth to creative thinking changing your reality.  you have to start inside. the benefit cannot be underestimated.

And I look forward to posting on the book thread once I've plowed thru a bit more of the text! Thanks again skip.

[cbm419]

 When all is said and done and I've "moved on" this information will be of little utility to me.  

I do have to clarify that I don't refer to all the info I've gotten here and elsewhere.  That stuff is the silver lining! I got to learn some really powerful lessons about love and life and ways to move forward.

What will be of little utility is the very specific, granular data about BPD and the disorder that I have begun to "catch" myself obsessing over to a massive degree.  That thinking is not helpful to me anymore.  It helped a bit at first, but I have to let this obsession go and take deliberate steps to do so.

[Skip]

I have to let this obsession go and take deliberate steps to do so.

One possible way to do that is to help other people to see when they are too immersed or seeking information without an objective. We learn a lot when we help others.

Everyone digs in differently and some deeper than others. That is not the problem. For example, we have members that have studied Masterson and learned a lot about themselves. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=126973.0

The problem is when the exploration has no intended destination. You can spot those people and help them.