Mother with BPD

[h27]

Hello,
I am an only child and live with my mother, who has BPD traits. I do not have a relationship with my father and was raised by my mother alone. Although I am very grateful for her efforts and what she did for me, my life has been a constant struggle, mostly after I started to grow up and develop my own personality. She constantly yells at me and offends not only me but people who are involved with me in any way (such as my friends or my boyfriend). She threatens to call my boss and my boyfriend (and his parents) and say bad things about me so that I will lose my job and my relationship will end. She often enters into one of these episodes when she is afraid of losing me and feels threatened this will happen. The problem is I have assured her that, as she is my mother, I will never leave her, but she doesn't understand. Her episodes are cyclic, and 1 hour later she is fine, as if nothing happened, but I still feel devastated. This is interfering with my job and my relationship, and I don't want this anymore. Rationality does not work with her. She says everything is my fault and that I have ruined her life, and that she spent lots of time and money with me and I should pay her back. She frequently says that she wants her life back, but I try to tell her that her life is her own responsibility, not mine. I have been going to therapy for the past year and a half and it has helped a lot, mostly to understand that I am not the problem and to try and gain a sense of empowerment - understanding that she can't harm me as she threatens to do. I still live at her house because I don't have enough money to move out yet, but I plan to move out in a few months. I have tried to ask her to get treatment with a psychiatrist (she goes to a regular therapist), but she won't budge, and starts yelling at me accusing me of calling her crazy. She is unpredictable and I never know what to expect from her, or from the several phone calls she gives me every day. I am struggling to try and gain some distance from this relationship, because I have been suffering from it my whole life. I have considered several options, such as cut ties with my mother altogether, but I feel guilty at the same time, due to her emotional blackmail. I would like some insight from this community, such as if someone has been through the same situation, or if anyone has some insight as to what can I do to convince her to get treatment. All I know is I don't want this kind of relationship any more. Any help would be of great value to me. Thank you very much.

[DreamGirl]

Hi h27,



I'm so sorry that your mom is making it so hard to live with her.

It really sucks when we need someone's help (financially) and they use it as a means to manipulate the relationship.

What has your therapist helped you with so far? Boundaries?

What is she currently in therapy for now? Is there a way to possibly coordinate some kind of family treatment? To help facilitate some of these frustrations you are both having --- even to help with communication with your mom? 

For me, I've realized that changing these relationships take time and patience --- patience with ourselves and with the pwBPD in our lives. It does get better though.

 

~DG 

[P.F.Change]

Hi, there, h27.

I'd like to echo DreamGirl's welcome and sympathy. My mother has BPD also, but is not so possessive as yours. I know there are others here who have been in your exact situation and can tell you what solutions they've found.

Do you think your mother has other disorders besides BPD that need medication? Many psychiatrists don't do much in the way of non-medical therapy (in other words, often they focus primarily on pharmaceutical treatment). Sometimes medication can help in the treatment of BPD, but if your mother is going to a psychotherapist who understands BPD, that might be the best thing for her. Are you involved in her treatment in any way? Do you know what sort of therapy she is doing (e.g., CBT, DBT, etc.)?

At any rate, you won't be able to change her behavior or make her get better. However, you can keep working on your end and decide what you need to be healthy and feel safe. Have you and your therapist thought about a plan for when you decide to move out? That is an event that is likely to trigger her fears of abandonment, so it might be good to think through how you are going to handle telling her and what you will do when she acts out.

Growing up, moving out, and having loving adult relationships are all things children are supposed to learn to do. It sounds like you're doing that. It's hard that your mother is interfering, and probably even harder that she's trying to make you feel guilty about it. But you're doing what normal humans are  supposed to do. She may never be able to understand that this is a normal process and that she will be ok if you grow up. You can acknowledge that it's scary for her while still taking care of yourself. Using validation when you communicate with her might help. Here's a good starter: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

We'd love to hear more from you when you're ready.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[h27]

Hi DreamGirl and P.F.Change,

Thank you so much for your kind responses. It is very good to feel that I'm not alone.

My therapist has helped me with boundaries and in understanding that all the steps I want to take in my life are completely normal. Lately I have been keeping my distance from my mother when she begins to act out and I feel this is working well for me. I feel more secure and safe when she is not around. I am currently trying to detach from the guilt I feel in feeling better when I am away from her. This is the hardest part - detaching and not feeling responsible for her unhappiness. This is what she tries to make me feel all the time. It is amazing how hard this can be.

I have been going to family therapy with my mother but it hasn't been very successful - she has stormed out of a few sessions, and when she is there she just keeps repeating that I hate and envy her and doesn't listen to anything I say or the therapist says.

My therapist and I have been discussing a lot how it will be when I move out, and I feel that this will be a very important step for me in terms of empowerment and independence.

My mother is doing psychoanalysis and has done so for around 20 years. Her therapist is great and has reached out to me a few times whenever she knows my mother is acting out and treating me badly. The problem is my mother doesn't really absorb anything anyone says. She just lives in her fantasy world, where she is always the victim.

Anyway, I know I have a long way ahead of me, but it is very comforting to know that there are people here who experience dealing with family members with BPD. Thank you very much for your kind words.