What if:s and the off-switch

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

What if she really has CPTSD, not BPD and my being in her life just made her worse?
What if I'd left her after the first time she hit me?
What if I'd noticed all her projecting at an earlier stage?
What if I really didn't love her?
What if I'd cleaned up my side of the street more carefully?
What if she really was thinking of seeing somebody behind my back?
What if she's right?
What if I'M right?
What if... .

(Well dear readers, you get it. And some of these thoughts belong to wishful thinking and such)

I've been quite ok for a couple of days, doing something creative that I can find peace in, and planning for my new job. But I hear the machinery in the back of my mind... trying to analyze her last e-mail, latest conclusion being that between the lines she's really blaming me for the r/s's demise, the most hurting thing being "I was done even before the r/s ended." (after 6 months according to her, with 6 months to go before the final discard. Well it didn't "end". She didn't "break up" - she tossed me away).

I'm not sure how I am doing. I know what makes me feel centered, but I wouldn't want to mistake distraction for denial, if you get my point.
Seeing the T after the weekend, after a 2 w break due to the holidays. I feel the G in FOG coming on.

[Keef]

What if she really has CPTSD, not BPD and my being in her life just made her worse?
What if I'd left her after the first time she hit me?
What if I'd noticed all her projecting at an earlier stage?
What if I really didn't love her?
What if I'd cleaned up my side of the street more carefully?
What if she really was thinking of seeing somebody behind my back?
What if she's right?
What if I'M right?
What if... .

(Well dear readers, you get it. And some of these thoughts belong to wishful thinking and such)

I've been quite ok for a couple of days, doing something creative that I can find peace in, and planning for my new job. But I hear the machinery in the back of my mind... trying to analyze her last e-mail, latest conclusion being that between the lines she's really blaming me for the r/s's demise, the most hurting thing being "I was done even before the r/s ended." (after 6 months according to her, with 6 months to go before the final discard. Well it didn't "end". She didn't "break up" - she tossed me away).

I'm not sure how I am doing. I know what makes me feel centered, but I wouldn't want to mistake distraction for denial, if you get my point.
Seeing the T after the weekend, after a 2 w break due to the holidays. I feel the G in FOG coming on.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Keef,

The mind is quite relentless, isn't it? I know what you mean. The "what if's" have their place. I think we often need to bring order and sense back into situations that just don't make any.

You sound like you are handling the ups and downs of grief very well. Keep shining that spotlight on your thoughts from a little distance—it helps.

How's your body feeling these days?

heartandwhole

[Keef]

I wish some part of me could reach out to some part of her, like a thought, a prayer or a wish for us both to grow and heal on our own. Shine some light in that darkness of hers without losing my own strength. What am I on about... magic... I tried that for nearly a year's time... I just wish she didn't hurt so much in the first place.

Oh crap of crap... .

Hope you're good out there.

[Keef]

The mind is quite relentless, isn't it?

Damn right heartandwhole... .

You sound like you are handling the ups and downs of grief very well.

Thanks, I'm trying to shift my focus daily...

How's your body feeling these days?

Good question. I suffered from very strange and frightening symptoms the first week. Now, one month later, it's more of a distant panicky feeling. Anxiety. Heart flutter at nights sometimes. Memory flashes. Some difficulty going to sleep every other day. One day at a time I guess.

Thank you for the kind and true input.

[heartandwhole]

Good question. I suffered from very strange and frightening symptoms the first week. Now, one month later, it's more of a distant panicky feeling. Anxiety. Heart flutter at nights sometimes. Memory flashes. Some difficulty going to sleep every other day. One day at a time I guess.

I hear you, Keef, and I've been there, too. It does let up, hang in there. I remember a year out, on a train, hearing someone speaking. His voice sounded just like pwBPD's, and damned if my heart didn't start pumping like the old days. But it calmed down quickly.

It takes time for the body to adjust after being on high alert for so long.

I'm glad you have something creative to do that brings you peace. That is so important. 

heartandwhole

[Keef]

damned if my heart didn't start pumping like the old days.

Yeah... .I'm sort of anticipating something like that to happen. I have atleast avoided the places she usually visited/spoke of, but yeah I did see her across the street two weeks after the second break-up (2 out of 4, 5, 6 in 12 months?), and I hid inside the commuter train hall - only that it wasn't her, of course... .

It takes time for the body to adjust after being on high alert for so long.

Yes, right, having been hyper vigilant for months on end is bound to leave toxic residue, I guess.

Hope you are doing well.
 

[earlyL]

Hi Keef,

I totally know what you are feeling, it is such an emotional rollercoaster. Some days / hours I feel so much more positive and think I am healing and then bam, it hits me again and I feel so much anger and then sadness. I think that alone is so exhausting it takes its toll. I worry that I am too busy trying to not feel things that I am in denial and actually want to get on with the grief. But I think posting on here is brilliant - and reading the responses and knowing other people have been through the same somehow helps. I do the same as you and think one day at a time, and try not to think about how long it will probably actually take to not feel this way as that is so daunting. Something creative sounds good, I need to do something like that.

Hang in there, it does sound like you are doing all the right things.

LW