I'm not sure where I fit, but I do know I am losing my mind

[Dessie]

My live in partner has become obsessed with the idea that I have BPD.  He says he has spoken to professionals who confirm it (although I have not seen them).  I have had a psychiatric assessment and their view was I have an anxiety disorder.  Every day I have to listen to him banging on about my "mental illness" (BPD) and how I need to get treatment, how it is rooted in my childhood (I had a very happy childhood within a stable family unit and no mental health issues), blah blah.

Not only have I had an assessment, but I have also read well around the subject.  I simply do not identify with most of the indicators.  However, he shoehorns almost everything I do or say into one of the BPD traits from the book that he is constantly reading.  A number of things he uses as indicators simply  never happened (the affairs he says I had etc).  The reason (he says) that I dont recognise it is because I am in denial, which is typical.  The reason I passed the lie detector test was because I am pathological which he says is apparently also typical.

A perfect example is he will spend 2 or 3 hours monologuing at me, telling me what really happened in my life (at a time when I didnt know him), eventually I lose my rag and walk out.  This "uncontrollable rage" is evidence.  He will not ever acknowledge that having had to listen to a 2 hour character assassination where I am told how I think/feel etc, I am going to lose my temper - thats a trait of being human.  He will never acknowledge that the fact that I have walked out is because I AM maintaining control.

He is insisting I see another psychiatrist.  When I said, "What if he/she refuses to diagnose me with this, like the last one".  He said he would keep going to see medic after medic until we find one who confirms it.  He cannot accept (because he honestly genuinely believes this) that he might be wrong!

The problem is, having read so much about it, questioned it, read more etc, I have come down to the view that he possibly has this with narcissistic traits.  This is where the problem lies.  Of course, he will say, ALL BPD sufferers accuse their SO of having it.  So the whole thing is horribly circular.  I have a brick wall that I cant seem to get over. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[heartandwhole]

Hi Dessie,



I'm sorry to hear that your partner is obsessed with the idea that you have BPD. What a tough situation. I know I'd react exactly as you did if my partner were banging on about it, too. It's hurtful to be told what you are feeling, thinking, and doing, and then having the label of a mental illness tacked on for good measure. 

I'm glad you decided to post. You'll find tools here to help, and members who understand what you are going through.

Of course, he will say, ALL BPD sufferers accuse their SO of having it. 

Hm... .well who started this whole thing? 

How long has this been going on, Dessie? What brought on this circular argument about BPD?

Keep writing, it really helps. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Dessie]

His paranoia about all the affairs he thinks I have had goes back about 5 years but it only really ramped up about 3 years ago.  The whole BPD thing goes back about 15 months.  We felt we needed some help with relationship issues and so we made appointments to see a psychologist/therapist.  He saw him first and it was during this appointment that BPD was first mentioned before he had seen me.  So he bought a library of books on it and started with Dr Google.  I then saw this chap but he never mentioned anything of the sort to me.  We had to drop it because of lack of funds.

It's an obsession.  It is driving me crazy.  He has effectively appointed himself as my psychiatrist and counsellor and I have to listen to hours of his bull every day.  I have no voice in any of this because if I say "no, that didnt happen", I am told I am in denial.  It drives me absolutely potty that nearly everything I do or say is "assessed" as being "typical".

Apparently, my greatest fear is abandonment.  Funny that I just wish he would leave me alone.

[Skip]

These labels are most useful in helping us find tools to work with, communicate with, and understand our partner. If, for example, you/he had some traits of BPD, a partner would know that being a good listener is important. Conversely, if you/he have narcissistic traits, a partner would know not to attack your/his ego.

In all cases, using labels like BPD and NPD to argue who is the most broken person in a relationship, or who is causing the conflict is a formula for disaster. We are who we are and that includes our sensitivities.

I think the most effective thing I might do in a situation like this is to suggest that each party keep their accusations to themselves and instead focus on learning how to get along with the other person using whatever tools that they think are best suited for the situation. For example, the two of you could read the "High Conflict Couple" together.

What is the topic with two of you fight the most about?