A Pre-Eulogy

[Depression = 72% of members]

I received word today that the mother of my brother from another mother had a massive stroke such that it's the decision of her husband when to terminate life support. I just saw her last week at the annual Christmas gathering she hosted.  Though she wasn't the hugging type,  I wished I'd hugged goodbye rather than waving across a room.  There were a lot of people there. It was past my kids' bedtime.  I did talk to her husband,  a retired cop,  about my Ex's DV drama (which involved both her and her H calling the cops on each other Christmas night while our kids were there).

I wish I could drive the 100 miles today to be there,  but my uBPDx is moving out of her apartment tonight. I have the kids.  We also have an appointment tomorrow with the Easter Seals for S6's ASD (autism spectrum disorder) support. I'm not mad that my ex is responsible for me not being there,  but it's a fact. 

Though I never thought of her like a mother figure as such,  she provided a safe place to stay. My BPD mother once referred to her as my "fun" mother,  who didn't have to put up with the a-hole my mom knew me to be.  It wasn't like that.  They actually didn't trust me at first since I was a little Pyro. Of only they knew all of the stories... .

I just got word that they took her off life support.  But she's still going. 

28 years ago,  I was on the cusp of adulthood.  My BPD mother was unhelpful to say the least. "Go to [local state University!"] But no help out advice on how to do that.  This woman merely made a suggestion about a program at a community college, a program similar to radiology. I signed up without visiting or seeing the lab.  I was 17. 28 years later,  I'm still going strong,  or at least ok .

Maybe 3 years ago,  I told her that I valued get counsel greatly at the time.  Hers was an almost offhand comment,  but I ran with it.  She shifter it into my court: "I made asuggestion,  bit that was all you. "

I remember feeling resentful towards my own mother when she came to my graduation,  taking credit.  20+ years later,  my own mother tried to shame me about choosing a different path. That's about her,  not me. 

For my buddy? I'm in contact with his wife.  The hard thing is that while BFFs. We grew up old school,  stuffing our feelings.  His sister is dBPD (and other things). The mother did have some BPD traits (in retrospect), but I won't fault for a second the impact she had on me in the positive. She was a special needs teacher,  and made a positive impact on the lives of so many kids,  including me. 

I pretty much suck at comforting.  "Everybody dies." She's young, however. This came out of nowhere.  She seemed healthy.

[Turkish]

I received word today that the mother of my brother from another mother had a massive stroke such that it's the decision of her husband when to terminate life support. I just saw her last week at the annual Christmas gathering she hosted.  Though she wasn't the hugging type,  I wished I'd hugged goodbye rather than waving across a room.  There were a lot of people there. It was past my kids' bedtime.  I did talk to her husband,  a retired cop,  about my Ex's DV drama (which involved both her and her H calling the cops on each other Christmas night while our kids were there).

I wish I could drive the 100 miles today to be there,  but my uBPDx is moving out of her apartment tonight. I have the kids.  We also have an appointment tomorrow with the Easter Seals for S6's ASD (autism spectrum disorder) support. I'm not mad that my ex is responsible for me not being there,  but it's a fact. 

Though I never thought of her like a mother figure as such,  she provided a safe place to stay. My BPD mother once referred to her as my "fun" mother,  who didn't have to put up with the a-hole my mom knew me to be.  It wasn't like that.  They actually didn't trust me at first since I was a little Pyro. Of only they knew all of the stories... .

I just got word that they took her off life support.  But she's still going. 

28 years ago,  I was on the cusp of adulthood.  My BPD mother was unhelpful to say the least. "Go to [local state University!"] But no help out advice on how to do that.  This woman merely made a suggestion about a program at a community college, a program similar to radiology. I signed up without visiting or seeing the lab.  I was 17. 28 years later,  I'm still going strong,  or at least ok .

Maybe 3 years ago,  I told her that I valued get counsel greatly at the time.  Hers was an almost offhand comment,  but I ran with it.  She shifter it into my court: "I made asuggestion,  bit that was all you. "

I remember feeling resentful towards my own mother when she came to my graduation,  taking credit.  20+ years later,  my own mother tried to shame me about choosing a different path. That's about her,  not me. 

For my buddy? I'm in contact with his wife.  The hard thing is that while BFFs. We grew up old school,  stuffing our feelings.  His sister is dBPD (and other things). The mother did have some BPD traits (in retrospect), but I won't fault for a second the impact she had on me in the positive. She was a special needs teacher,  and made a positive impact on the lives of so many kids,  including me. 

I pretty much suck at comforting.  "Everybody dies." She's young, however. This came out of nowhere.  She seemed healthy.

[P.F.Change]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this loss, Turkish. It hurts.

I can tell she made a big difference for you. I have a friend's parents who were like that--not perfect, but enough of a positive outside influence to have given me some hope and a different model for what parenting can be. The father died a few years ago, and it was a loss I felt along with their family.

Everybody dies--that's a fact. In my belief system, death isn't natural, though. It's something that we all experience now but wasn't part of the original plan, so to speak. That's why it is so painful and so hard to understand. Everyone dies, but no one is supposed to die. It's ok to feel the shock of it no matter how old or healthy.

As far as comfort goes, you don't have to try to say things to make the pain go away. Just saying you are in it with them can be a comfort. Listening to the things you have to say about how this woman impacted your life is pretty moving. Maybe your friend and his family would feel comforted and less alone just hearing your stories about how she made a difference for you. Is it something you feel comfortable sharing with them in a card or a phone call? Do you think you'll be able to make it to any services for her?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Turkish:

I'm so sorry about the impending loss of this special person.  I'm glad that you had her in you life, that she made a difference for you.  It's tough to lose someone too early and suddenly.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your extended family. 

PS: I tend to suck at comforting, as well. Many time, I struggle to find the right thing to say. Sometime, we can be of value by just reaching out and listening to those who need comfort. 

[HappyChappy]

I’m so sorry for your impending loss Turk. But is sounds like she had a good innings. I’m sure just letting your buddy know you’re there if they need you, would go a long way.

[Turkish]

Her H took her off life support.  As of this afternoon she's still breathing on her own.  I'm going to bed early tonight so I can leave to make the 2 hour drive early. I plan on driving back in the evening.  The Pineapple Express is set to hit California this weekend, harder Sunday.  I'm a skilled driver (growing up in the mountains and learning to drive at 12 in the dirt,  mud and snow), but I'd still rather not be out,  given that I have summer grippy tires.

I was thinking today about the past. I always wanted to confess to her that I shot her only son point blank in the face with a BB gun,  right above the eye.  It was raining. We were bored.  My brilliant idea was to have a BB gun war. At 15 (me), and 13, it made sense to put on thicker jackets to shoot at each other from far away,  for protection. No thought of eye protection. When it started raining harder,  we went inside their large shed. He was pointing his  BB pistol at me.  I was laid on the couch pointing mine back. For whatever reason,  I pulled my trigger and shot him on the brow. Luckily,  it was a mechanical single pump,  not CO2.

My subsequent brilliant idea was for him to hold his head against the ice in the big floor freezer.  His dad came out and asked what happened.  My other brilliant idea was a story of how one of the BB guns dropped on the floor, went off,  and shot him in the head.  

Dad didn't buy it.  He turned to me and said, "no more BB guns on the property." I said "yes sir," and ever after obeyed.  Never heard a word from his mom.  *whew* I was going through how lucky it was I didn't put out his eye,  not being in Juvie as well... .Strangely,  we were trusted with real guns (.22LR) which we did respect and take very seriously.  

If only she knew about the time we made Molotov Cocktails out of their "collector" 1960s coca cola bottles,  and the time we lit the neighbor's pond on fire because we wanted to know if gasoline burned on water like in the movies (it doesn't,  but the fumes do,  and it looked like that scene from The Matrix where the fire enveloped the corridor; we got a high powered rifle warning shot into the air from the neighbor who never saw us as we were sprinting into the woods by then). My ideas. #rural life.  Never did cow tipping though.  Sounds mean.  

She'll never know these things.  Maybe better  that way

[Harri]

Hi Turkish.  I hope by the time you read this you are back at home from your visit and safe from the dreaded Pineapple Express!

The others have already said what I want to say:  I'm sorry.  This is a loss that has to hurt a lot.  It is enough to just be there for your friend, no words are necessary.  Sharing memories about her life is a good way to give her a tribute and to warm the hearts of her family. 

I enjoyed reading about the childhood adventures you shared with your friend.  LOL  Makes perfect sense to me that you forgot the eye protection and I wish I could have been there to see the 'fire on the lake'.  There are a few ponds near by here... .hmmmm... .

I have a feeling she probably has quite a soft spot in her heart for you.  I am glad you were invited to share their Christmas celebration with them and you got to see her.

Keep us posted.  Sending prayers to you and yours.

[P.F.Change]

She'll never know these things.  Maybe better  that way

Oh yes, I am sure you're right! 

[Turkish]

I made it there and back again.  The Storm of the Decade seems thus far a dud. I think the jet stream shifted south so Santa Barbara got hammered. The steady rain started 20 mins after I got home before 8PM.

I met my buddy and his wife at their house.  We went to lunch, then the hospital.  People are always there.  Even her exH (the dad of my friend and his sister). She's been married to my buddy's mom longer at this point.  Together 25 years.  It was also good to here that nieces from the side of the original family had also come to visit. 

She was a special needs teacher.  She started out as aneeded aide, but was in the process of going back to school at the community college an hour away on the path to her B.A., M.A., and teaching credential. This was when I was in high school 30 years ago.  She ended up bring being the tri-county supervisor for Special Ed before she retired last year.  Everyone expected another 30 years out of her.  She complained of a headache,  then dizziness.  When she was in the bathroom, she collapsed.  They were preparing to go to the hospital.  When the paramedics got there,  she was somewhat lucid,  but by the time they got to the hospital , the damage was done. 

One step son lives locally.  The other is driving through winter weather from several states away. In many ways,  she was more their mother than their bio mom,  who from the stories, sounds like a dual diagnosis BPD individual. 

I observed what my buddy told me earlier when we were at the house.  That he was OK,  but when people came to visit showing their grief,  it was hard on him.  A couple who've known them since the early '70s arrived from a 6 hour drive. The wife was almost crying.  I saw the look on my friend's face. We had just been in the hospital room even laughing telling spastories. Then the abrupt switch to grief. I could understand how it was hard on him. 

I stayed around long enough to see the daughter arrive with her teen daughter.  I spent a couple of hours with her two years ago,  and she was unloading,  basically blaming her mom for her depression, anxiety,  and BPD. In listened without judging.  My buddy's wife (who can't stand her) had commented earlier how she was surprised how well she was handling this (that is to say,  no drama).

I emailed the foreign exchange student tonight to let him know.  I don't think my buddy is still in contact with him,  but I know that his mom was.  He came my senior year in high school (I think he was one year behind me,  and two ahead of my buddy). I have so many wild stories involving him,  too. I think he made out being placed with a host family in a rural area rather than the city.  He embraced the culture.  I remember just him and me,  and he was roasting in the table top toaster oven a squirrel he'd just shot. Crazy mo-fo. Those were great times.  On the verge of adulthood,  but no responsibilies. He was there less than a year,  but to this day always called her "mom." I offered in the email to read whatever her wow (if he wanted) at the eventual service. 

Last week,  I talked to her about my son's recent ASD1 (what they used to call Asperger's) diagnosis. I felt better hearing her tell stories from her special ed days.  She wasn't a fan at all of labeling.  She told me a story of one student whom everyone had written off.  He eventually got 3 academic scholarships from to 3 schools. A genius. Though he transitioned or of special Ed before he left high school,  he chose to retain her as an English teacher though he didn't have to. I also saw at the after Christmas party,  and also today,  a former student who viewed her as a second mom,  though he's now 40.

I just thought of it today,  I think,  that given her suggestion to me sent me onto my eventual Silicon Valley adventure, if I had done otherwise,  my kids wouldn't exist.  People can touch so many lives we don't even realize. 

When I read there,  I leaned on the hospital bed a lot.  I thought about touching her, but for some reason I couldn't bear to.  Maybe it was because logically I knew she was already gone (my buddy's wife told me privately that the hospital staff did what they did for the family, and all of the staff stood up to Administration to keep her the there rather than moving her out... .the room wasn't needed other than to the bean counters).

Meanwhile, my own mother lives in a filthy hoard not to many miles away and I didn't check in on her.  This woman was once who my own mother said of "she's your 'fun' mother,  but she doesn't put up with you.  No one knows the 'real' Turkish,  but I do!" 

I never thought of her as a mother figure per se, but rather as someone who welcomed me into a home to hang out when I didn't feel safe. 

[Grandmotherbear]

I am sorry for your loss. This one will probably take more out of you than it will when your egg donor dies. She sounds like a wonderful person.

[DreamGirl]

I'm so sorry, Turkish.  

These adults in our life are invaluable when you have a parent who struggles. Like you said, a soft place to land. I had a teacher who helped give me confidence and make it all just a little bit better. Sounds like this mom was what you needed at the right place and the right time. Those who leave footprints in our lives... .

I'm really glad you were able to make it out there.

[Turkish]

I am sorry for your loss. This one will probably take more out of you than it will when your egg donor dies. She sounds like a wonderful person.

My bio mom died when I was 9, from an overdose, I found out when I was a teen.  My BPD mother adopted me when I was 2.5. Still wonder how different my life would have been if I'd been adopted from foster care by a half- way functional nuclear family,  but it was what it was and here I am 

Touched base tonight with my BFAM (brother from another mother). Her respirations are getting infrequent.  He did he gave up the vigil to go home,  that she might die tonight.  He said that he didn't feel here there after the ER a week ago.  If I didn't have little kids,  I'd take a few days off to be there.  We'll be up Friday for the weekend.  I'll get both kids at lunch time from their schools to beat the hellascious commute out of here.

My ex asked me Sunday about it,  saying she saw something on Facebook the sister (daughter) had posted.  Neither one of them are on my friends list.  I told her, and she asked for my buddy's email.  "Because no matter what happened between us,  he was always nice to me." So self absorbed... .but she means well.

My friend told me again tonight to hug my kids.  I told him that we'd be up for them to hug him 

[Turkish]

Hey body passed on this afternoon.  I've been talking to various people.  Hey son (my BFAM) said last night that her respirations had gone low.  He said she passed today in a typical over organized fashion.  He indicated that he says goodbye at the ER a week ago. 

This is the woman my mom once said to me was my "fun mother, " as opposed to the person my mom had to put up with "no one knows the real Turkish,  but I do!" That might have been in the same conversation.  That was 30 years ago.  We were living on a cab over camper at the time with no electricity or plumbing. 

My BFAM told me a story last night.

His mom was of the hippie generation.  A year or so before I met them, he had a movie night at the neighbor's house.  This read a half mile easily walk,  we lived in the woods. 

His mom had made popcorn, but hippie style,  with yeast,  garlic,  and other stuff.  Even at age 10 or 11, he remembers feeling embarrassed bringing it over. However, the popcorn was a hit. He was relieved.  I sense all these years later regret. 

Her H now has a home filed with the reminders of their lives.  If it were me,  I'd remove the few valuables and do a viking funeral.  I can't imagine dealing with that.  He married her when I was in my early twenties.  He had kids with a dysfunctional ex who were overt ten years younger than her first kids.  It was like starting a family again.  He was always great to us. 

I don't even know how to end this.  I wish I'd seen her more.  My buddy told me that she was proud how successful I was. She never told me.   No one really knows because I don't advertise it.  I'm glad he told me that. 

My kids and I will travel to see him this weekend.  He's said several times,  "hug your kids. "

I do.  There's no time to waste.

[Harri]

 

I am so sorry for your loss Turkish.  It must hurt deeply.  Thanks for sharing this here. 

I am glad you had someone like her in your life who was effortlessly able to not just love but see and like you as the boy, young man, and grown man you are.  In other words, she saw the real you.  What a great gift you were able to give each other.

I never thought of her as a mother figure per se, but rather as someone who welcomed me into a home to hang out when I didn't feel safe.

Wonderful.  I think this is perhaps the very definition of Motherhood. 

Prayers to you and yours.  Hug them indeed.  Maybe go a bit crazy and hug your buddy too?   

[DreamGirl]

So sorry, Turk.