When something small happens, he twists it around, calls me names and overreacts

[WifeInOz]

   Hi everyone... .
Im new to this group... .here's my situation... .
 My husband has BPD, we've been married 14 months. He has cycles when he is FINE and we are great... .but then something small happens (something ridiculous) and he twists it around, calls me names and overreacts. He makes mountains out of mole hills. Can anyone relate? Does your partner make trivial situations out to be worse than they are? Its almost like he loves drama? I wind up feeling guilty and saying "If only I HAD DONE this or that!" to myself. Any feedback is welcome. I feel alone... .
Thank you xoxo

J

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[dacoming]

All the time... .to the point where it makes you question your sanity.  I feel like I'm walking on landmines all the time!  She flips things around to make it seem like I'm the boogieman. 

[WifeInOz]

Thanks DA!

  Does she try to rectify it by doing something nice for you  after her "moments of crazy". Mine is currently going to order in dinner for us so I dont have to cook because I have strep. This morning he called me and my whole family "cockroach mother F'ers" ... .

[Notwendy]

Hi Wife in Oz,

Yes, I think many of us can relate to this behavior, as well as the "doing good things" to cover it up and pretend it didn't happen. ( I call this the "etch a sketch" form of "apology" Poof! All gone now. I think this is because there is a sense of shame for it.

I think these cycles occur due to a build up of emotions. Pw BPD have trouble dealing with their own bad feelings- they tend to blame/project on to others. I also think they have some investment in not behaving like they do when they seem out of control. So they can act "nice" until the lid comes off. A trivial thing becomes the reason.

This is why we end up walking on eggshells, trying to avoid it, but it happens. We can't change this, but we can manage our reaction to it. It helps to not take it personally, and see it as a function of the disorder. The lessons on this board can also help us to reduce the conflict in our home by being less reactive, not "fixing" their emotions for them , and holding on to our sense of reality.

[cbm419]

Welcome and to your question - all the time and it only got worse the closer we became, or tried to become.

I think you'll begin to realize your in the right place here! And among friends.

[WifeInOz]

THANK YOU THANK YOU! THANK YOU ALL so much for your replies... I am so glad Im not alone xoxo

[Five28]

Wow, almost like reading about myself. I am blamed for everything that goes wrong in her life. I walk on eggshells almost every day, and find myself dissecting what I say if it happens to set her off. One time I was listening to her tell me about something that happened at work. Someone walked past the window which was behind her and she saw me glance that way and that was all it took. Silly things like this happen all the time. It's almost frightening to hear the stories from so many others in this forum that sound exactly the same. There must be millions of us dealing with BPD spouses or significant others who are slowly driving them nuts with their drama. I hate drama!

[Auspicious]

Yes, there is a lot of drama when being with someone who has poor emotional control!

We can't control their drama. We can make sure we aren't adding our own doses of drama. We are the only people we can control. Our lives improve when we calm down and start focusing on making rational decisions.

[waverider]

This is the essence of borderline behaviour, on the one hand mindless lashing out, on the other hand grand gestures of appreciation.

Our problem is we get wrapped up in the issue/mood of the moment. Trying to fix the immediate problem, eg what could i have done/is it my fault? Then on the flip all forgiveness in response to grand gestures.

The grand gesture is the reformat button and previous events are forgotten and consigned to the trash, along with any lessons to be learnt from it. So the exercise repeats

The real issue is these things are going to happen and cycle over and over. It is the pattern(process) we have to step out of, not mull over individual issues as these are inevitable, even if we tiptoe around them.

Make no mistake the grand gestures are still just a marketing exercise, they are marketing themselves. Typically these gestures are highly visible, rather than truly helpful and thankless tasks (eg chores). ie a large part of it is "look how nice I am", it is still self serving.

[Notwendy]

WW, I wish there was a "like" button for your posts. You really get to the essence of it. I describe the "reformat" as like the  "etch as sketch" toy we had as kids. You draw a picture, then shake it. Poof all gone. Then another picture- the doing nice things to rewrite the picture. The old one didn't happen. Once this is seen as a cycle- not a personal thing for us- it helps to deal with it.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi WifeInOz, you are certainly not alone.  As the others have said, it's very common.  The swing of emotions is difficult for partners to understand.  After a lot
Of reading and analyzing my own responses, I have gradually become less reactive.  It hasn't been easy, but whenever I am able to remain centered, I am more content and life is more "normal".  Whenever I found this site I already had a lot of history of not dealing well with the mood swings.  I really had to practice not making things worse.  It has taken time, but things are better for us. You can find more peace, too.  Welcome!

[Auspicious]

Poof! All gone now. I think this is because there is a sense of shame for it.

That's often so.

Also, I think given the weak sense of identity, and the episodes of emotional dysregulation, there's a sense in which it didn't happen ... .for them.

The storm in their brain is over, they may know factually what happened (or sometimes not - memories of it can be weak), but it almost feels like it was someone else, not them, doing it.

[Notwendy]

I've observed this in BPD mom to the point where I don't think she has memory of the event. It's as if the rage episode serves to reset her brain- and her memory. I don't know the biology of this, but I imagine a rage episode floods the body and brain with neurotransmitters. Maybe this is the reset switch.

What is maddening about the etch as sketch method is that there doesn't seem to be any learning from it. My H would say to me "every day is a new day" and expect me to just act like nothing happened after a rough anger episode. Although he claimed to be able to do that, he still has a lot of pent up rage about me. So maybe the forget part is about his behavior.

It's hard to let go of the baggage over the years. He can criticize me and then tell me I am a great wife. It's hard to know which is real.

There were times I tried to bring this up to him, but that doesn't work well. He can sometimes process it but sometimes, really doesn't seem to remember what happened.

I think it helps to live in the present, one day at a time. If it's a good day, it's a good day. A rage? The sun will shine again when it is over.

[Five28]

Hey, I'm not getting any of these reformat moments. At least I'd be able to look forward to them. Oh well. 

[waverider]

The storm in their brain is over, they may know factually what happened (or sometimes not - memories of it can be weak), but it almost feels like it was someone else, not them, doing it.

Which sets the scene for projections. Wasn't done by them but to them... They know the script but transpose the players

[dacoming]

My wife doesn't turn around and do nice things... .not anymore.  She used to at times in the past it seems.  There were a few times that I left the house in the past where she'd lure me back by cooking something that I like and inviting be over.  Then I would end of staying.  She knows food is my weakness . 

[Lockjaw]

The etch and sketch is really true!

Mine is that way. If she apologizes, she gets a clean slate.

Try not to take it personally. It's hard, I struggle with it when it happens.

I have gotten to the point I just tell her when she says things that I can't defend myself. That is all I say.

[michel71]

YES. This was constant. Just when we would get on a good jag, something stupid would happen. A misunderstanding. Something benign. Then all hell would break lose. Threats of divorce EVERY DAMN TIME. High drama and anxiety. No talking for days. When she did utter a word it was like a hissing snake.

And she twisted it all around CONSTANTLY. Each and every time. It was always all about her. How dare I say something about how I am feeling or worse yet accuse her of hurting me. The gloves would really come out. Before I knew it I was apologizing.

The name calling was horrendous. I was called just about everything you can think of. Every cuss word for both males and females! I am not one to use vulgarities. I think I only called her a ___ once or twice. Really.

There was no point in trying to calm her down using words. I simply had to exit the situation. And give her space. But not too much space or she would accuse me of giving her the silent treatment!

Projection. Whatever she really was or did she imputed that to me.

My friend welcome to the wacky world of BPD. It is horrible.

[WifeInOz]

Hey Michel!
 Thanks so much for the reply and for everyone's reply actually Yes, this  marriage is a nightmare at times, and at times it is wonderful! Its is like nothing in the world I HAVE EVER experienced... .Before my husband I never knew about BPD! I heard of schizo, bipolar, etc but not this. I feel bad for saying this, but I would have rather married a Manic Depressive, at least with them you can medicate. These people are a whole other entitiy onto themselves... .Michel, you are lucky you were able to get out ! If my kids were older and out of the house, I think I would leave. It is just not an option for me right now. I LOVE him VERY MUCH, but what about ME? My happiness , right? Sad, that he cannot help it. I feel guilty for saying these things because he is truly ill.

[Jessica84]

In a way, I kind of like the etch-a-sketch coping method. He can erupt, forget, move on - peace is restored. I can internally work on forgiveness and enjoy the good times again... .while they last.

The downside:
1) as Notwendy mentioned, no lesson is learned so the cycle will no doubt repeat.
2) the event/memory is never entirely erased - he can recall it at any time, even years later!
Most of the time, it's some scrambled version of what actually happened.

[michel71]

WifeinOz... .I loved and still do love my wife immensely. My heart has been breaking for the better part of 3 years now... .actually pretty much right after our honeymoon. Tonight as I was cooking dinner for one I was having a pity party. What did I do to deserve this? All I wanted was to be happy and have a loving and giving healthy relationship. Life can be cruel... .to all of us.

[waverider]

In a way, I kind of like the etch-a-sketch coping method. He can erupt, forget, move on - peace is restored. I can internally work on forgiveness and enjoy the good times again... .while they last.

The downside:
1) as Notwendy mentioned, no lesson is learned so the cycle will no doubt repeat.
2) the event/memory is never entirely erased - he can recall it at any time, even years later!
Most of the time, it's some scrambled version of what actually happened.

@2 This is because it is never worked through, the emotion has not realigned, so when it comes back it is like it has been frozen in time and brought back as strong as before
@3 It is filed away as a series of cut and paste "snapshots and quotes" with context  omitted, hence when retreived the context is supplied to fit the present. This is a toxic recollection as it is close enough to be believable but is entirely different in illustration.

[Jack_50]

Hi all,

Saw this same behavior in my wife, as well as my mother.
I think it stems from a lack of emotional education : my wife and mother never learned to recognize and control their emotions as a child.  They both were forced into the required strict format of parenting at the time and place (which was basically constant emotional abuse to "prepare you for life's hardships".
As such, they both never learned to self-evaluate their emotions and behavior, and never learned to take responsibility for them.  Therefore an apology will never come from their mouths after misbehavior.
So they use other ways instead.
So for them, the good deed is indeed the replacement of an apology, and all should be fine again afterwards.  Except that it isn't.

I guess the only solution would be emotional education?

Jack

[waverider]

I guess the only solution would be emotional education?

Jack

=emotional maturity. Their emotions were stunted and blocked (comparmentalized/quarantined) rather than evolved and soothed. This leaves an inability to work it through.