Recently separated from wife with BPD(my diagnosis)

[Aaron A]

Hi,
   Have only rejoined this forum after about 7years as I have just separated from my BPD wife (my diagnosis) and struggling emotionally as she is doing all the standard behaviours of claiming it was all my fault, I didn't try hard enough and ran off and that she can't understand why I hate her and want to cut her out of my life and why have I left her with all the responsibility etcetera.

Stuff that I know intellectually aren't true, especially as I have come to the conclusion about 7 years ago that she had BPD, but still have a lot of trouble reconciling emotionally.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi AaronA,  



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'm glad that you decided to join us, I can relate with how jow lonely, hopeless and emotionally distressing that feels when we're blamed for everything with an erratic partner and we're not sure what path to tak or where the path is going to lead. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you, people that have walked a mile in your shoes.

I hope that you don't mind that I moved your post here to the saving board, ha you been separated before? How long have you been seperated? Have you talked to an L? Are you seeing a T?

[drained1996]

Hi Aaron A,



I want to join Mutt in welcoming you back... .sorry about the circumstances though.  Is this the same partner that brought you here 7 years ago?
Dealing with the separation from a pwBPD can be very emotionally and mentally trying.  Their version of reality is often times much different than our own... .not really any different when we were with them though is it? 
Do you have children involved?  Have you thought about seeking out a therapist the help guide you in this difficult time?  Many of us have found the help of a professional to be very useful in understanding and working through our feelings. 
Keep posting, we are here to walk with you!   

[Aaron A]

Thanks Mutt and Drained1996.

Although I have spoken to a number of friends for a number of months now (one of which used to be a counsellor) it really helps to talk to people who have experienced the same thing)

I have been separated from my UstbxBPDw for about 3 weeks now. About 7 years ago during a prolonged period where she was "suicidal" I found info on the internet and learned about BPD. I have recently refreshed my knowledge and in my opinion she is high functioning BPD with also NPD traits. She has never been diagnosed with BPD, but has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. She has also said that she has been told she has PTSD, but doesn't like the stigma attached to that diagnosis.

She has disclosed to me substantial childhood sexual abuse which would explain the issues (i believe it is true, but cannot be sure). She got wind that I thought she had BPD years ago and says that she doesn't (although she once said that maybe in the past she has shown some traits,but has grown out of it)

All the hallmarks of BPD were there from the start of our relationship approx 27 years ago, but a combination of  things made me not pay much heed until it was too late. I was somewhat co-dependant and her early idolisation of me meshed well with my low self esteem. When the relationship was good it was intensely good.

Before I knew it, circumstances had changed such that she was living with me (it was't planned that way, it just evolved) and an "accidental" pregnancy, coupled with some behaviour by me which wasn't the best (basically having affairs, although we weren't actually in a relationship and i was repeatedly actively trying to end our relationship) soon turned into the crazy ride that BPD creates. I was made to feel for years that I was a terrible person and that I needed to make up for all the terrible things I had done (some were extreme exaggerations of actual events, most were concocted from pretty much thin air e.g. BPDw "the assistant was rude to me, you should do something about it". Me:"she didn't seem rude to me". BPDw " you obviously have a crush on her, once again you are putting other females above me, this is typical of you, you've ruined my life etc etc)

For many years I was dazed and confused, constantly unsure how I could be such a bad person and have done such bad things etc. Whilst our children were younger, it was very difficult as we always struggled with money and the kids made fantastic weapons (when we would separate I would get messages from her such as that there is no food in the house and that she wouldn't be taking the kids to school etc). Basically, my lack of understanding and strength, coupled with the circumstances always meant that I would end up going back. The techniques she used on me were endless, from threats to blame to guilt etc etc.

However, our kids have grown up now and I have reached a point where I can no longer within myself accept the BPD behaviour. Also, as she is high functioning, money etc is no issue for her. Setting rules and expectations were of no help, nor was counselling (at my request she organised marriage counselling for us, but was too busy to turn up to the session). She always maintains I am 100% in the wrong and she is 100% in the right.

For me the breaking point was her need for total control of me: she felt she had the right to tell me what my thoughts, feelings, actions, ethics, morals etc should be. I understand why she feels and acts the way she does and am torn emotionally because besides the BPD she is a good person. However, when she repeatedly prevented me from being my own person, and having friends etc etc after all these years I had had enough. I had been holding out hoping that once the kids grew up, once we had money etc it might magically improve. Particularly, I had read that women can grow out of BPD by their mid 40s. She is mid 40s and has evolved, but not grown out of it.

The final straw for me was when in the company of others she tried to get me to do something I didn't want to do and that was somewhat demeaning. I refused to do it a number of times, at first softly, but at the end firmly (there were kids close by and they never noticed the discussion). When we got in the car afterward she yelled and swore at me for my actions and attitude saying I only did it because I knew i could get away with it in front of other people, but that I can't silence her and that i was a bully and that I was a perpetrator of domestic violence on her) I checked with someone else who was present and they agreed that I did not even raise my voice to her at the time. Although this was extremely minor compared to years of very crazy stuff (such as draining my bank account so that I couldn't catch a taxi to the airport whilst away on a business trip and many many many more) it was the end of my ability to endure the behaviour.

I have engaged a lawyer and so has UstbxBPDw. it looks like our house has been sold, and all other property is already in hers or my name, so no big deal to sort out. She says she is moving away and is being very civil (I only correspond via an email address I set up specifically for the current situation. I have learnt from previous experience and have changed my phone number, passwords on all email, bank accounts etc and she does not know my physical whereabouts.

the only main low points for me currently are:

*    recovering emotionally (i haven't sought out a therapist as yet),
*    getting thru to the point of finalisation of sale of house (she is emailing me and saying that I have left her with all the responsibility of dealing with all the packing up of the house, getting rid of stuff that was mine etc (which is true, I moved out and left her in the house. I cannot go back to the house whilst she is there, not only because of the angst involved, but also because I am worried she will convince me to return to the relationship in some way or another)
*    I have 3 grandkids which I have a close relationship with (they are my sons children.). I haven't spoken to my son or my grandkids since I left, nor am I sure when I will be comfortable to. I am unsure how brainwashed my son is (i think not very) by his mother. However, the grandkids would be used as weapons and subjected to emotional turmoil (why do you want to see your grandad, don't you care what he did to your nana etc etc) so I have made the decision not to contact them for the forseeable future. That saddens me.

Aaron

[Mutt]

Hi Aaron A,

How old are your grandkids? When are you planning on getting a T? ( therapist)

[Aaron A]

Hi Mutt,
     My grandkids are 6,4 and almost 2.

Since last posting I ran into my pwBPD on a local beach. It apparently was an accident, but I strongly suspect she had tracked me down. I had no choice but to talk to her (without being involved in a public scene). We went together to her therapist today.

In a nutshell, as per many previous times she has seen the error of her ways (each of our many, many breakups ended with me crawling back to her apologising for things that I didn't actually do, or her apologising for her behaviour(then suddenly I would find that things had done a 180, suddenly her apology had turned into blame etc etc)). To an embarrassing degree she is now begging for forgiveness, claiming everything has changed, that nothing is too much for me to ask for, nor is anything too much for her to willingly desire to do for me.  She seems to honestly believe that this time she has finally, totally seen the light, and the reason behind her  previous actions and attitudes and that never again will she return to the previous behaviour.

Unfortunately, although she seems the most desperate this time (I have the most resolve not to be dragged back into things than I have ever had), there is a 27 year history that tells me that this time wouldn't be any different to the other times.

In the past, before I realised the real reason, her  idolisation and ideation of me (which she is currently doing) has been an ego boost and the promises of all the things she would do with and for me have certainly been enticing, However, now that I realise that the ideation will quickly turn to blame and attacks, and the promises will amount to nothing, the previous effect on me is lost now.

I am hopeful that the T will realise the BPD traits and treat her accordingly.

I am considering contacting T and letting her know my belief. Not sure if this is a good idea or not though.

Aaron A

[Mutt]

I don't know if contacting the T would be a good idea. If it was a T for couples counselling, I think that I would but if it's her T I don't think that I would. I say that because of how a pwBPD will cast themselves as victims and partners as persecutors and sometimes rescuer. If you contact her T you're helping her cast you as persecutor, she may say things that cast you as the bad guy and the T may think that you're controlling etc... .from what your wife may say. If she's sincere about getting help for herself then she'll do her homework, watch and see. There is a 27 history to also take into account, BPD is a lifelong mental illness, I suggest that you think about radical acceptance.


Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

[Aaron A]

Thanks again Mutt,
           In the counselling session I made it very clear I had no intention of reconciling. I brought up a lot of the extreme things she had done and tried to make some clear parallels to BPD in her behaviour as I could without openly stating it.  Throughout the session she gave total ownership of all behaviours and said she did not blame me for anything.  In short, I was portrayed as the long suffering victim of her behaviour who had finally had enough, whilst she openly agreed that that was the case.

I have done a fair bit of research on BPD and have been of the belief that telling someone (especially a high functioning BPD) that you believe they have it cannot help, but that alerting a therapist may help them see through to the issue and thus treat them accordingly (even if they don't tell them that that is their diagnosis). Some more recent information I have seen suggested that people can be relieved to find out it is a disease, as opposed to their fault.

Currently she is sending me endless emails bout how sorry she is, how things would be different if she had one more chance etc, trying to get me to agree to brief meetings etc etc.  Previously she has said she has PTSD or "Anxiety and Depression".  Currently she says that she has a mental issue called Anxiety and that is what she needs to focus on.

We currently are progressing through the sale of our house, thus I am trying to keep minimal contact. After that, as we have children and grandchildren together it would be optimal if we continued minimal contact, but I don't think that would be feasible.

By contacting her T   I would be hoping that she can help her to focus on what her real issue is and to move past her desperate fixation and idolisation of me. Basically, hopefully for her sake she get the treatment she needs and for my sake she realises our relationship is over and moves on.

Cheers
Aaron A

[Healthy88]

Are you sure you want a divorce? Are you willing to do a therapeutic separation, while she is getting help? You could ask her if she would be willing for you to have a private session with her therapist and see if she agrees to it. Even going that route, you may want therapy yourself to figure out your feelings as well. However, if you are done, you are done.