Peaceful vs chaos

[Tattered Heart]

My uBPDh is sleeping peacefully on the couch next to me after us having a great day. I wish everyday could be like this.

But tomorrow is Sunday. And Sunday is flip out about going to church day. He hates church but won't stop going be cause I won't quit. He hates Christians because they are hypocrites. What good is the church? I choose the pastor, my friends at church, the leaders, the other men, etc. over him. I'm fake.

What's new is that I'm equipped with a new prescription for xanexs, which I will gladly share. Guess who gets 1 before church and 1 right before we leave? We've already discussed it and as of this evening he is ok with it.  It's in the car on the way there and back that we fight the most... .and the meanest.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Do not let xanex be the quick fix for peacefulness. It is the thin end of the wedge, wears off quick and leaves him believing it is a prerequisite for not being stressed.

It is a high risk addiction overdose risk drug, meant for supervised crisis management only

[Borderlinestar]

That seems painful. I hope that you are in a healing class or therapy together.  Does the person have any idea that they are creating harm to you.

[Notwendy]

Is there a way you can just go by yourself?

Religion and religion observance is a personal thing. I get that he may not like the social aspect of it. It takes some energy to put on a social face, get dressed, when he really wants to relax. When it comes down to it, whatever his feelings about religion are- it is between him and God. So are yours. If attending church is meaningful to you, then you have the right to attend.

I think when there are poor emotional boundaries and enmeshment - people may feel as if their spouse has to feel the same way as they do about church and religion. But it really is an individual thing. Freedom of religion is a basic human right.

Of course it is nice if the two of you can go together, but not if he has to take your Xanax ( an addictive drug) to do so. Giving him your pills isn't really considering his best interest. So - he shows up at church with you, but not willfully, or heart and soul.

[Tattered Heart]

Is there a way you can just go by yourself?

I think when there are poor emotional boundaries and enmeshment - people may feel as if their spouse has to feel the same way as they do about church and religion. But it really is an individual thing. Freedom of religion is a basic human right.

I would love to go by myself. When we have talked about it whether he is upset or not at the moment he gets more upset because he feels like  trying to exclude him from my life. I've let him know that I do like him going to church with me but if it is not something he wants to do that I want him to do what is best for him--even if that means staying home. I made it clear that church is important to me and that I would not quit attending just because he does (which he hates). I also even offered to go to a new church if the one we have been attending for many years is one of the reasons he dislikes it. He says it's not our church that is the problem.

I know it's not. His parents got caught up in a cult that taught extreme punishment for all kids everyday regardless of if they acted up or not. His dad used to yell scripture at him and call him a son of Satan if he thought the kids lied to him. They were isolated from other families because of their religious beliefs. It's no wonder he has such a hard time distinguishing the difference between Jesus and how people who follow him can still sin.

[Notwendy]

I get that your H fears you are excluding him, but you don't have to solve that problem for him with Xanax. When we manage someone else's fears and anxiety- either by not doing something we truly want to do because it will cause them anxiety- by basically not being ourselves, or walking on eggshells- or giving them medication, we are robbing them of the ability to learn to manage their own choices and fears. When you give your H Xanax so he can go to church with you, this is using drugs to manage his fears. Using your own Xanax for you- under a doctor's care is not the same thing- this is between you and your doctor. But you aren't your H's doctor and sharing your Xanax is not providing medical treatment- it is taking care of his feelings.

I don't mean to be harsh, but if your H needs help with his anxiety- then he can see his own doctor. He may not like it if you go alone, but you can do that. He may object, say you are excluding him from your life, but then he has the choice to go or not. Is there a way to step out of this triangle- you, church, him? 

[waverider]

The only true way to deal with anxiety is to see it for what it is, discern what causes it, accept that being anxious is part of human emotions. Learning to sit with it and knowing it will pass and no real harm will be done.

This is hard in the moment for anyone and only practice and experience teaches us this. pwBPd have difficulty seeing past the now into the future. This is why they get stuck in the anxiety. It simply takes more support and practice for them to get past it and learn that it will pass.

Blocking anxiety is not a coping method it is a delaying method, the anxiety will come back and no net progress will be made. In crisis management this is used to put off the anxiety until a person is in a more stable condition to be able to process it. ie to  prevent situational overload. Hence it is a temporary controlled measure.

ie you go to church, you come home, nothing drastic has happened or changed. Rinse repeat many times and it then becomes less threatening. The more drama that is allowed to build up around each incident the more it feeds it, especially if the pattern varies. They need to be seen as the same thing repeated so the experience sinks in, the threat disappears, and any unhealthy associations are overridden.

The only way to get rid of reminders of past events is to overwrite them with the present and the future.  There is no erase, only rewrite.

ie change associations.

[Lockjaw]

I think if you can get him not to go, and you can go alone, he will get used to that.

I have a script for xanax, and if your H has anxiety, he needs something different, like lexapro. You may find it will dull his senses some. I take it, it does me. If you got him up to 20mg of it, he would tone way down.

And he shouldn't need one to go to church and one before he leaves. They are one every 8 hours.