Why do they think they are a victim?

[knowledgeseeker]

I haven't posted in a long time. I was so relieved to be through mediation and have a settlement signed. I just needed a break to reflect, take care of me and my kids and get settled. The reality... .the chaos with this man never seems to end. Just when I think we are rounding a corner he acts up. After the settlement agreement was signed the house went on the market and he kicked into high gear.  Everything from harassing the selling agent, threatening to sue her, dragging his feet on signing closing paperwork and then trying to bully me into getting me to do what he wanted. He tried to hold the divorce papers ransom by saying he wouldn't sign if I didn't agree to his newest terms. I've spent over $120K in legal fees now with motions to enforce blah blah blah. I'm completely sick of it and tired of our legal system letting people like him get away with running up legal fees for no good reason and not complying with court orders.

The latest... .he sent a group email out to his side of the family including his kids. I haven't spoken to anyone in his family for a year except my sister in law whose called me twice since Sept and we don't spend our time talking about him. I was close to his family, he was not. I was insistent we have a relationship with them when we got married. I thought it was weird he wasn't close to them as I am very close to my family. And frankly I miss them, but out of respect I have kept my distance and allowed them to reach out if they choose and decide if they want a relationship at all. The email he sent was horrible and completely delusional. I don't know what I ever did to make this man hate me so much, all I did was try to love him, be a good wife and raise his kids. He's the one that left our marriage and had another life with another woman. His daughter lives with me as we have always had a mother daughter relationship and she was devastated by his email tirade. He kept using my first and last name (I went back to my maiden name and he kept using it with my first name through out) in the email and everything in there was just random and lies. It was like a big temper tantrum because people aren't talking to him apparently and he thinks its because of me. When the reality is that he has the exact same relationship with those people as he has always had, no realtionship... .He  never tried with them it was always me that had the relationships, called everyone for him, took care of everything for him. My guess is the replacement is starting to wonder why he doesn't have close relationships with anyone including his family as I did once upon a time myself.

This whole period of time from the last few months we were together through the divorce till now has been the bizarrest thing I have ever encountered in my life. I have maintained my no contact through out, never once breaking it. Even when he came to town and vandalized the front yard of our old home, dumping things in the yard he didn't want and running over stuff with his truck, I didn't break contact. I simply came over when I got the call and cleaned up the mess and pretended like it never happened, I thought not calling attention to his bad behavior was the best thing to do. Don't reward the misbehaving child. And the email as disgusting as it was and the crap he said in there that made my daughter collapse into uncontrollable tears, even though I wanted to send him a message and tell him that he is the most horrible person I have ever met, I didn't. I simply hugged my daughter and told her I don't know what to say about his behavior other than I'm sorry he behaves this way. Maybe some day he will get the help he needs as I hope you two will have a relationship at some point as he's your dad. Why does he act the victim? Why does he spew such toxic lies? He even referenced me making cookies with my daughter in his email, something that he saw on my social media page. Why does he look at my social media pages? Shouldn't he be happy in his amazing relationship with his replacement? Why does he even care? Why can't he just comply with court orders so we can truly just be done, so that I never have to hear his name ever again or waste one more dime on legal fees? I know I will never understand, and that is the hardest part and I'm getting better about letting it go until he does something that costs me more money in legal fees. Not understanding what you did to make one person hate you so much, someone you gave your all too and it was never enough, to feel their hatred for you in that letter and to hear their twisted perception, the projecting and the flat out lies for what? To hurt me? He hurt his daughter. He said I was the biggest mistake of his life in the letter and he should have divorced me years ago. Which is interesting because I'm the one that filed for divorce and he kept stringing me along. My daughter said how can he say the most important person in my life, the person that takes care of me and is my family, was his biggest mistake. I had no answer for her. He doesn't call her, he didn't even send her a Christmas gift. He doesn't give her any money towards her living costs, she's 20, in school full time and I do what I can for her financially.  Why won't he just stop and go away? All he does is pour more salt into the wounds we are all trying to heal from. Doesnt he realize all he is doing is pushing people away with his chaos and toxic rants?

I'm finding that in life as a result of this experience my tolerance to bull___ is at a zero and while I have dated since all of this, at the first sign of drama I run the other way. And I don't trust, because of the tangled web and puzzle I had to unravel because of him. And part of me just doesn't even want to deal with getting into a relationship as a result. Is this how its going to be? And will he forever walk around telling lies about me portrying himself as the victim? Can't he just get over himself already? Thanks for listening BPD family!

[RAPIDclassic1]

Knowledgeseeker, for what it's worth, good for you in keeping your cool and staying on the highroad.  I'm in the same boat, not quite as bad or as far along as you find yourself but I think you are handling this as well as could be hoped.  The answers are not clear, but I do think mine ex will redirect her angst in whatever new relationship awaits her.  At least, that's what I'm hoping for.  As to moving on, my focus is on personal assessment of relationship needs, understanding my negotiable and non-negotiable values.  I'm nervous like you about making the same mistake but also enjoying the process of self assessment and sticking to my guns when it comes to what is non-negotiable.  Thanks for sharing, this is a wonderful place!

[hope2727]

SO sorry you are enduring this. It sounds like an extinction burst.

www.study.com/academy/lesson/extinction-burst-in-psychology-definition-examples-quiz.html

You are doing great. When you respond to that kind of nonsense it gives it validity.  His family knows their memories of you. His daughter knows you. They will read his rant and realize what a load of garbage it is. They didn't have a relationship with him for a reason. They still don't for a reason. The end.

Keep going the burst will diminish after a peak in behaviour. Maybe this was the peak.

Oh and tell your daughter he does it to cause maximum hurt so if she allows that he wins. Hugs   

[GlennT]

You are doing the right thing by staying by NC. When the chips are down, it's people like us, who've been there, who are your friends, and remember, that it's Your real life friends and family, who will actually care about you and your daughter more, than he ever will and can. He doesn't even love himself. He also craves attention, along with abandonment, and will try to get it, even if it causes him harm. So the right thing to do is completely ignore him. Do not feed the BPD beast. And like others have said here, along with many neuro-psychologists, you have been witnessing the product of a broken brain. He can't help it, and most of the time it is untreatable. He has BPD. He is a child and a man. You will often hear the child-like, victim-logic, coming from his disorder, such as, "You made me mad", "you made me lie", "you made me cheat", "you never do anything right for me", etc. You can be damn near PERFECT, and yet he will never be able to accept what you do for him. There is a motto here: "You did'nt cause it, you can't control it, you can't fix it". Please record harassing calls and video record angry confrontations.  Just calling you and visiting you when you've stated that you do not want this anymore is an act of harassment. Also, if you notice a sudden change in his behavior, such as acting way too nice, and he begs to see you alone, do not be with him, unless it will be a place where there will be witnesses.  Good Luck!  

[knowledgeseeker]

Just calling you and visiting you when you've stated that you do not want this anymore is an act of harassment. Also, if you notice a sudden change in his behavior, such as acting way too nice, and he begs to see you alone, do not be with him, unless it will be a place where there will be witnesses.  Good Luck!  

Thank you Glenn. He doesn't try to call or text me anymore, he knows I won't pick up. He goes through other people to try and get at me, mostly my daughter and her older sister who stays in touch with me and is close to my son. My daughter asked him last summer to give her space and not to contact her, he of course doesn't listen and stalks my social media messaging her. I stopped posting anything about my daughter on my social media (a candid picture on her birthday, nothing major) which made her sad because she felt I was favoring my son by not including her. She's pretty sensitive still and is always worried the family she does have will leave her as a result of all this. I realized I was just doing what I had always done, trying to forward think about anything that would trigger him rather than just living my life. I'm in the public eye, I have to use social media for my business and my clients what to know what I'm doing. I post very little about my family and stick to business related stuff for the most part, but now and then I post about my kids, nieces etc. I stepped out of my comfort zone this past Nov and was on tv for my trade. Something he never wanted me to do. So I'm sure he's angry that I'm doing the things now that he held me back on because of his needs. From what I gather the replacement (a co-worker) is a lot like him and I have a feeling they feed off each other. He thrives off negativity and chaos. When there isn't any he creates it. I use to say life really doesn't have to be this hard, why can't you just be happy. He can't he's not capable.  I get that now.

When he came to town I was not there. He had wanted me to meet him to get his personal belongings that had been sitting for over a year, including his vehicle he left behind. (When I say he walked out, he literally woke up one morning and decided he wasn't coming home again, and moved in with his girlfriend I didn't even know he had. He was an amazing actor, had me fooled.). He put off dealing with it until the last  minute literally, (as he does everything) the new owners had already taken possession, which forced him to come get his stuff or they would be the new owners of it. I had packed all his stuff in his truck for him and left the keys under a rock as I wasn't going to meet him. No way. I had already been through the being nice and begging manipulation stage the year before that and learned my lesson quickly. My lawyer communicated where he could find the key. And I'm glad I didn't. I could see the rage when I showed up. He had even gone into some of the sheds on the property and threw stuff out of them and broke stuff. I'm glad he didn't have keys to the house. I called my Dad and he along with me and the kids cleaned it all up and hauled it to the dump. I never said a word. I took pictures, kept the dump receipt just incase. I thought to myself, typical, here I am cleaning up your mess once again. My 5 year old niece is better behaved than he is.

Choices, chances, change. You have the choice to take a chance or your life with never change has always been my moto. I wish this moto worked for him but he's too right, too entitled, too smart and its everyone else not him. Reality: He's too sick to change.

[knowledgeseeker]

As to moving on, my focus is on personal assessment of relationship needs, understanding my negotiable and non-negotiable values.  I'm nervous like you about making the same mistake but also enjoying the process of self assessment and sticking to my guns when it comes to what is non-negotiable.  Thanks for sharing, this is a wonderful place!

RAPIDclassic1-
For me its about boundaries and knowing what I want and do not want. What I'm willing to put up with and what I'm not. And honestly I'm terrified I will attract another BPD. I was in such a vulnerable place when I met my ex and I'm not that person anymore, I just need to remind myself of that. I think out of the gate in my first relationship I was a little to boundary focused and the relationship suffered as a result. I think I've grown tremendously as a result of this experience. I know what I want and what I don't want. My biggest obstacle now is trust and boundary balance.

[knowledgeseeker]

SO sorry you are enduring this. It sounds like an extinction burst.

www.study.com/academy/lesson/extinction-burst-in-psychology-definition-examples-quiz.html

Great video! That is exactly what he does and I have to admit during our marriage a coping mechanism for me was to make sure he had everything that he wanted to make him happy so he wouldn't act out, get mad, or rage. It became a routine where I'd try to anticipate every scenario and eliminate the obstacle if possible in hopes that we'd have a good day free of acting out. My daughter said to me once, you always jump through your ass before Dad gets home making sure everything is just right for him and he still gets mad, why do you bother. In the end I just exhausted myself and he was still never happy.

[hope2727]

"That is exactly what he does and I have to admit during our marriage a coping mechanism for me was to make sure he had everything that he wanted to make him happy so he wouldn't act out, get mad, or rage."

Read co-dependant no more and it will free your thinking.

[knowledgeseeker]

Read co-dependant no more and it will free your thinking.

My mom told me the same thing! She has the book, I will for sure read it! Thank you so much!

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Knowledgeseeker,
    How long did you wait to start dating after the divorce? Breaking up with a BPD is so different than breaking up with a Non. I think it takes longer to get yourself back and it's almost critical to wait a bit until you are stronger or yes, you will run at any little thing that triggers the feeling "this person might be crazy"!

We all have quirks and may occasionally do some silly stuff. I would hate to see you discount someone who is just being quirky. I know what you mean. I think I am a MUCH BETTER judge of character and can tell when someone isn't "right in the head" but I am also trying to not jump to conclusions.

It sucks. Having dated a BPD is both a blessing and a curse. I have been able to recognize the toxic people in my life and have gotten rid of them. I am much happier but also a little lonely. Does that make sense?

I think BPD's play victim for sympathy. The sympathy gives them the attention they are craving. It also helps them recruit an army of enablers.

My ex treated me like complete crap when we dated. Like clockwork, every three months she would dump me, and had a lot of others in rotation I had no idea about until after the fact. These people would usually be ex's in relationships she was trying to "break up" and get involved with. I truly believe she stayed with me four years because she couldn't secure someone, until she did. Someone significantly more needy than I am with a complex of needing to be liked... .by everyone.

It's hard knowing my ex's family is friends with my replacement, her family and all their friends. Here I threw my ex a huge birthday and none of the family responded to me, nor the close friends (I think she was badmouthing me then and I just didn't know it). Her sister got the invite and threatened to have me fired. That really hurt me.

There are days this kills me inside because I WAS THE VICTIM. Yes, I chose to stay, however I was the victim, not her. I was verbally and emotionally abused. All I did was nice loving things and everyone treated me like Hanibal Lector.

Coupled with being ghosted and then slandered at work and in social circles, I had to rise above it, alone. That was the hardest thing ever.

But I was able to prove to myself I could survive this, and you can too!
 

I don't trust easily but I have been dating a very nice person a year this April. We were friends during all this and she knows my ex. She has her own quirks and we've argued a few times but you know what? We can TALK about our feelings. We take a time out and come back and talk. Plus she is damn funny and we have the same sense of dark humor. I haven't met too many like that!

I was tempted to run a few times and I am glad I didn't because this person has their shyt together and is a decent human being. Her parents love me and consider me family... .all the stuff I wanted but couldn't have with my ex.

So it is all possible.

PW

[RAPIDclassic1]

I think I've grown tremendously as a result of this experience. I know what I want and what I don't want. My biggest obstacle now is trust and boundary balance.

I think that's endgame; cautious optimism!  Trust is given in the first instance and earned ever after and I know I'm too reactive to little trust miscues/issues right now.   I just keep working at it and yes, personal growth has been dramatic.

[hope2727]

I'm glad you liked the video I thought it might help your kids understand. I had such a hard time understanding my dad. My mom did a pretty good job of explaining but it was long before the days of internet videos. I thought it would have been so much easier if I could have seen something like that. I am glad it helps.

Co-dependant no more will help you I am sure. There are many good resources on co-dependancy. Just keep learning and growing and you will be ok.

[knowledgeseeker]

Hi Knowledgeseeker,
    How long did you wait to start dating after the divorce?

PW I met someone in a class I was taking which took me by complete surprise because at the time I spent most of the time looking down at the ground rather than looking at the opposite sex. That was actually while I was going through my divorce. We dated for about 5 months and it just kind of started to fizzle with all my boundary restrictions. We stay in touch but I haven't seen him in 7 months. I went on a few dates with another guy but his neediness reminded me of my ex and I bolted. I have been seeing someone for a couple months now but I just am having a hard time with the whole thing. He wants to get closer and I find myself making excuses as to why I don't have time to see him. And I wont even tell my kids about him or let him around them. This whole experience with my ex has left me in a weird state when it comes to fully letting anyone in. I want to have a relationship but I also just want to do me and sometimes I just want to be alone to do what makes me happy. I find myself looking for red flags and I just can't let him in the way he wants in. I think for me, letting someone in means risking loosing myself again and I just don't want to. I don't even know if any of that makes any sense. Lol My ex and I split up 17 months ago, maybe its just too soon for me.

[knowledgeseeker]

I think that's endgame; cautious optimism!  Trust is given in the first instance and earned ever after and I know I'm too reactive to little trust miscues/issues right now.   I just keep working at it and yes, personal growth has been dramatic.

Good for you RAPIDclassic1 for continuing to work at it. I know its not easy. Hang in there. I'm glad there is a place we can all connect, talk and heal together. Sending you a hug!