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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Feeling like a fraud  (Read 394 times)
Azrimic

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 16



« on: January 09, 2017, 05:39:56 AM »

I sit here and read about relationships members have had with a pwBPD, and I feel bad for feeling so negative about mine.  My gfwBPD (whom I live with) would not leave me, she can be extremely thoughtful, and she is never, never violent.  I have it good, compared to many on here, and I know many of you are sticking with your relationships and would be happy to have it as 'easy' as I do.  But it doesn't feel easy.  She lies, all the time, about silly little pointless things (something the dog did, something someone at work did, etc).  They have no direct influence on my life or our relationship but, for me, they undermine absolutely everything she says to me.  The mood swings are something else - I cannot go from arguing one minute to wanting to be cuddled and have my hair brushed/back tickled the next.  I am (and have been since April) going through an emotionally incredibly tough time - nothing to do with my gfwBPD.  I am being regularly moaned at, dug at and sometimes shouted at for not being cuddly enough, not wanting sex, etc. 

It all feels so on top of me and just feels worse by the day.  But it's so much less than others are going through or happy to handle.  Why am I finding it so tough that I want to leave?  I do love her, but I'm starting to feel that who I fell in love with and got engaged to, was the person I thought she was rather than the person she actually is.
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2017, 06:17:02 AM »

Hi Azrimic,

BPD traits are on a spectrum. There are several of us members with partners on the mild end, or traits.

BPD affects the most intimate of relationships. I have a hard time resolving things with my H- because he has so many wonderful traits and contributes much good to the family. This is in contrast to my mother with BPD who is low functioning. So, yes, in comparison to her and some other relationships I have read about I feel I have it easy and have no right to complain.

But the heart of a relationship - the intimacy and trust- are a significant aspect to a relationship. I think all couples have some difficulties and disagreements at times, but I think a key element is how they talk things out and resolve them. If I bring up an issue with my H, it isn't received by him in the way that I hope for repair- and then he brings up the good things as if that takes away the issue. We don't pair up with perfect people- none of us do, but I think an ability to repair and resolve differences is significant.

We all come here with different circumstances and we make individual choices. Some of us are married with children- thinking about staying or leaving would impact the children as well. Some of us are able to make changes in ourselves that improve the relationship. Others have decided that leaving the relationship is the best choice. No choice is simple or easy- or only right or wrong. I think it is important to arrive at the decision that is best for us as individuals.

There is talk about boundaries. Our boundaries aren't something we impose on another person, but a reflection of our values. If we value honesty, then we are distressed with a partner who lies, even if the other aspects of the relationship are good. We can bring this up- please don't lie, but we can't control the other person. If the person continues to lie, we are left to decide if we want to stay in the relationship or not. We can also choose radical acceptance- an inconsequential lie may not be as harmful as lying about money or cheating. However, I agree that chronic lying over time can undermine a relationship.
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SettingBorders
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 135



« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2017, 09:36:14 AM »

Hello Azrimic,

I know these toughts, I've had the same. I read the posts of some members here that would be glad if their SO would be as "easy" as mine. But doesn't mean that it's a good choice to stay. No one knows. If you keep sticking to your relationship you will never know if your life would be better or worse if you went. If you go, you don't know it either.

Any way it's a life choice: and so we have to make it independently from the choises others make! We have to care for ourselves and make the best of our lifes as can be.

In my case, I'm still indecisive. I told my boyfriend that I am nearly leaving but giving the relationship a last try. If your girlfriend is a light BPD case or only has some traits then it might help to talk to her very openly about the things that bother you and to tell her how seriously they do effect your relationship. Maybe she understands. If not, you can still break up.
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2017, 05:05:56 PM »

I'm in a committed relationship- married, but I post on a couple of boards.

There are several factors that are considered in the decision to stay and work on things or break it off.

For me, we have children. There is also a lot of good in the marriage but our interpersonal relationship was tough. Divorce would be traumatic at best- expensive, and shared custody painful for both of us. It was worth working on the relationship. We were able to make some improvements.

In my reading I came across something interesting- that we tend to pair up with people who match us emotionally in some way(s) and that our FOO issues influence our choices of romantic partners. I knew I had a severe BPD mother but she isn't like my H- yet some of our interactions were similar. I also read that if we leave a dysfunctional relationship without doing personal growth we are at risk for recreating similar dysfunction in subsequent relationships. Well that was quite a motivator to work on me- in or out of a relationship.

I don't know what I would have decided if this was before we had children or if my H were more severe.   We can't judge a relationship from th outside.  I will say that whatever you decide- working on your part in this can help you.   For some people a relationship with someone with BPD is a one time experience but some people end up again with similar issues.  You can also work on you while you are undecided.
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CrossroadsGuyMn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 31


« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2017, 09:33:45 AM »

My thought on your post is that we feel what we feel, regardless of where on the spectrum our S.O. is.

In my opinion, measuring my BPDw, with your or anyone else's BPD will only frustrate me, and lead me down a path of what I 'should' or 'should not' be feeling... .when in reality, I feel what I feel based on my situation.

Like you, lies, even small ones, to other people are very hard to see. 

When I think about my Family of Origin, I understand why.  My parents reinforced in me that they could accept just about any mistake i make... .but if I lied about it... .well... .lets just say, I never had to find out what the consequence of lying would be.  Honesty and integrity were THE most important thing to them.  So for me, when my BPDw says, "we just left the house" when she's talking to her best friend about going to meet her for dinner, and we are still getting dressed, I feel really scared.

Had I not had the up-bringing that I did, that might not have bothered me at all.

So, what is a minor issue to one person, could be a major issue to another.

Just my thoughts... .take care of yourself.



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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2017, 10:35:28 AM »

Hey Azrimic, No need to minimize what you are going though by comparing yourselves to others who you deem as in more challenging situations.  My suggestion is that you strive for authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  I pretended a lot in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD and, like you, I felt like I was living a lie, which is no way to live, my friend.

LuckyJim
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