How often did you hear the word "Sorry"?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just a curious question. I know everyone BPD is different.

For me, married for 10 years, I heard it twice and only because her son pointed out to her she was not being a nice person.

Since she filed for divorce 2 months ago I have already heard it twice more.

Interesting. I know she is just trying to keep me on the hook, but I like noting the changes.

[Hisaccount]

Just a curious question. I know everyone BPD is different.

For me, married for 10 years, I heard it twice and only because her son pointed out to her she was not being a nice person.

Since she filed for divorce 2 months ago I have already heard it twice more.

Interesting. I know she is just trying to keep me on the hook, but I like noting the changes.

[Stolen]

I really don't like using absolutes, due to being subjected to relentless "never/always", "nobody/everyone", "everything/nothing" dysphoric rages for so long. But let me search my memory... .

Never.

In more than two decades.

I think "sorry" would be admitting fault, and that seems to be kryptonite for someone with BPD.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hisaccount, In my experience, it doesn't happen or is said insincerely.  In the weird black and white view of a pwBPD, an apology is tantamount to saying, "I am a bad person," which is unthinkable for a pwBPD.  LJ

[ynwa]

I had a surreal moment once explaining what it meant to be "sorry".  A day after she hit me and drew blood.  She was in the detached, waif eyes, almost as though she was not there.  Back then, I didn't know about BPD. I at the time took it as similar to how I was feeling, shocked, hurt, emotionally zonked.  And she was incredibly hungover, as she had blacked out drunk.

I spent a long time taking to her, softly.  Her reply in the end?

"Im sorry you made me hit you."

[FallenOne]

Hey Hisaccount, In my experience, it doesn't happen or is said insincerely.  In the weird black and white view of a pwBPD, an apology is tantamount to saying, "I am a bad person," which is unthinkable for a pwBPD.  LJ

Never say never... My ex of four years is diagnosed BPD and is under heavy treatment and therapy for it... When she has acted completely irrational before and later realized what she did, was reminded of what she did, if I called her out on something she knew she was guilty of doing, the tears started flowing and the whimpering of "I'm sorry" started coming out...

She didn't do this a ton, but she did it at least multiple times throughout our time together... And it was never just a plain old "I'm sorry" without any tears or drama... There was always drama over it, but she said it... And it usually was followed by days of depression and self loathing.

[seeperplexed]

Many times toward the end of the relationship. The problem is, the actions never followed. The apologies were empty... .I'd almost have preferred none.

[Hisaccount]

Lmao, You guys are awesome. Thank you.

Yeah I thought it was odd but normal.

I kind of think she is doing now to seem vulnerable or not sure the word I am looking for, but needing rescued again.

[Pretty Woman]

Never, except when she accidentally stepped on my foot once. Nothing was ever her fault it was always "I did _______ because you _____".

Always.

[ShadowA]

All the time during idealization.
None of the time during Push-pull time

[stimpy]

Never, and no other apology either, not for anything.

[Duped 1]

She apologized a couple of times sincerely over a 2-year period but her behavior was really bad when she did. Most of the apologies were so shallow and insincere that they meant nothing.

I would tell her we are all human and that I didn't expect perfection and if she lost her temper just sincerely apologize and we move forward. She would almost never do it. usually I had to tell her she owed me an apology and they were just words. It meant nothing.

The lack of accountability was unbelievable and many times I remember saying to her when very frustrated: "no accountability EVER"! How could anyone possibly have a healthy rs with someone who is completely unaccountable for their behavior? She will never have a healthy rs.

[jonmnemonic]

She gave me a few genuine (I think) apologies but I could count the number on times on 1 hand in almost 12 years of marriage.  The normal apology she'd give was something along the lines of "I'm sorry you think that way" or "I'm sorry you think I did that to you."  If I'd corner her and hold her accountable for her behavior I'd get an angry "I'M SORRY" through gritted teeth with curled lips and everything.

In couples counseling we did this exercise where we each made a list of things the other person had done to hurt us.  Then we'd go through the list and the other person was to apologize saying they'd understand how that was hurtful etc.  My wife took 2 whole sessions to go through her very lengthy list of things I'd done to hurt her (real and imagined), another session and a half for the counselor to convince her that she actually needed to listen to my list and apologize, 20 minutes of giving the "angry apology" then the counselor putting the exercise out of it's misery.

[bus boy]

Never. Xw would never accept my apology. She had a very twisted way of looking at things. An apology meant nothing she said if your going to make the mistake again.

[peccadillop]

I have heard "Sorry" several times. Usually during the "happy" phase. To me that word means nothing anymore when she says it.

[ACObound]

Wow... .reading these post sent my mind reeling, came out of my non mouth alot, so much that I am sure it sounded insincere after awhile... .but from my u BPD partner... .can't remember much of anytime when it related to our relationship.  Heard it from when something would go wrong at work or other non relationship things... .hmmmm

[Lifewriter16]

Once. My BPDxbf had been going to a group aimed at men who are physically violent OR GET VERY ANGRY. He apologised for calling me names, said he'd realised it was wrong. Within two weeks, he'd called me a 'cold, heartless b!tch' again, so his apology was pretty meaningless.

Lifewriter x

[FSTL]

Mine would say sorry in the earlier days when she thought I was leaving her after her abuse. Sometimes it came quickly, sometimes in the morning. Over time they became less and less and were instead replaced by excuses and justifications. She might say sorry if you pointed something out, but one of my last conversations with her was "I am sorry I [messaged another guy for 6 weeks before cheating on you with him], but I dumped you so can't be made to feel bad for that".

I think that sums it up - she had an excuse for everything, so couldn't be made to feel bad.

[Hisaccount]

An apology means nothing  if your going to make the mistake again.

I heard that one a lot too.

"I am sorry I [messaged another guy for 6 weeks before cheating on you with him], but I dumped you so can't be made to feel bad for that".

I  think that sums it up - she had an excuse for everything, so couldn't be made to feel bad.

Excuse for everything, that was mine too. I am so tired of excuses.

Thanks guys.

[Technique]

Never. Not once.

[Aesir]

She said a few times. Far too little to cover her tantrums. Besides saying I'm sorry and then continue with the behavior and not seeking help makes the apology moot imo.

[thefinalrose]

I only remember one time, during one of the idealization phases, for something relatively minor compared to his other behaviors, and only after I brought it to his attention. He never even acknowledged how abusive he was, forget apologizing for it. I shouldn't have to tell him that lying, cheating, physically hurting me, and a boat load of other abusive behaviors are wrong.

[vortex of confusion]

Ex apologized for everything. Sorry became a default platitude that came out of his mouth as a default. His sorry was meaningless for two reasons. One, he acted as though he was doing it because that is what was expected. He would use "sorry" as a way to dismiss me. I would usually walk away feeling like I was being demanding. Two, he would say he was sorry and then turn around and do the same thing. If I said anything about it, I would get stuff like, "I am sorry. I wasn't thinking." If I had a nickel for all of the times that he said, "I am sorry. I know I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't thinking." And then he would turn around and do it again.

[Stolen]

His sorry was meaningless

Probably because it was just mirroring what he thought "sorry" looked like. I know my xW and many of her FOO were all incapable of sorrow, empathy, compassion, etc.  The coldness always puzzled me, and how they dismissed these emotions for some flavor of their crazy anger.

Case in point - if there was a heartbreaking story in the news - say a child died, a group of kids killed in a crash, etc., the response would always be the same. xW/FOO would seem to know they were expected to comment on the awful event, but it would be via them staring at me and angrily stating "I feel so Bad!".   A projection of anger, that was totally devoid of any sense of real caring, sorrow etc.  It was like they were making the statement that they were "supposed" to make, but was always clearly an empty gesture.

[Hisaccount]

I only remember one time, during one of the idealization phases,

I wonder if she is starting that cycle again because I heard if the 3 time since the divorce last night.


It still just blows my mind how similar these people act, but not even act but the words and phrases they use.

[Stolen]

It still just blows my mind how similar these people act, but not even act but the words and phrases they use.

The scary thing is that I now know that they believe what they are saying.

"For 25 years I did EVERYTHING for you!"

HTF could anyone really think that?  But if you want to support a sense of resentment, go to it... .

[jonmnemonic]

"For 25 years I did EVERYTHING for you!"

Oh yes the "everything" statement.  Everything was my BPDs way of manipulating other people into trying to change/punish me because she had already tried "everything."  To normal people everything means something quite different so it was easy for her to manipulate people until they caught on to her game.  Just like its kissing cousin "always," she did everything around the house and always had to initiate everything.  In reality everything meant always ___ing and trying to do less than nothing.

[vortex of confusion]

In reality everything meant always ___ing and trying to do less than nothing.

THIS! I laughed when I read "always ___ing and trying to do less than nothing." That sounds so much like ex. He would try to do less than nothing and would get mad at me for asking for some help. He was the bread winner and I was just a stay at home mom. Forget the fact that I worked two jobs. When he came home from work, I made sure that there was something for him to eat. The kids and I greeted him with hugs and kisses.

When I came home from work, I came home to hungry kids, a messy house, and him dumping all of the problems that he had with the kids on me. A lot of times, I couldn't even get my shoes off before I was bombarded with stuff. I was supposed to be okay with that. If I would say anything at all, I got to hear, "I am trying. It isn't my fault that the kids won't cooperate." Any attempt by me to get him to do more than nothing were met with him saying he was sorry that he wasn't good enough. He was trying.

Um, he wanted a gold star for farting. I am serious. He had horribly stinky farts. He would be sitting by me and let one rip. Sometimes, it was fine. Other times, like when I was eating, not so much. He would get up quickly and run into the hallway rather dramatically. I would look at him funny because it was a bit startling the way he jumped up. He would be, "What? I am sorry. I was just going in the hallway to fart so you didn't have to smell it." It was like something a 5 year old would do. He clearly expected me to thank him and fall all over myself because he had the self awareness to go fart somewhere else.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm looking for the Like button for this thread
Married 19 years.  My wife said sorry once in the first three years or so.  Then, "Sorry, but it's not my fault" once (which was a laughing point looking back for us).  And not again until I moved out of the bedroom last year.  So, it looks about once a decade on average for something similar to an apology with meaning (though questionable understanding).
I'm amazed how similar some of our BPD partners are.

[Hisaccount]

THIS! I laughed when I read "always ___ing and trying to do less than nothing." That sounds so much like ex.

Lmao, for the last couple of years my oldest son and his wife were calling my ex "the creepy person on the couch"

Didn't matter what was going on she was playing video games and completely ignoring everyone else.

I love hearing your stories, really helps to keep seeing how much better off we are now.

[balletomane]

During our relationship (almost two years), he never apologised for any of his actions. Not once.

I would often end up in floods of tears over his viciousness and his vehement paranoid accusations (that I was cheating, manipulating him, etc.) and I would apologise for whatever he wanted me to apologise for just to make it stop. Later he would say he didn't remember any of these incidents.

Not long before I went NC, I told him how much his inability to be sorry for his behaviour and to see its impact on me had harmed me. He responded with outrage: "I apologised many times, for things I forgot I said! Maybe I didn't say them? Have you been manipulating me this whole time? YOU hurt ME countless times, and you never apologised once, and certainly not multiple times like I did." His exact words, in writing. I was staggered. Does he really remember the situation in reverse?