Introduction

[slcguy]

I am new here and wanted to introduce myself.  I have been married to my wife for 39 years and have 5 grown children.  I recently saw a therapist to see I could get help dealing with my wife's rages.  My wife denies that she rages at me so I recorded a few of our "conversations" on my smart phone and played one of them for the therapist in an effort to get feedback and validate (or invalidate) may feelings that this was unacceptable.  The therapist suggested that I read a book on dealing with borderline personality disorder, so I have been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.  (I have only seen the therapist once as my wife demanded to know where I was going and totally went off when I said I was going to see a therapist and informed me that she would NOT be going with me.  It was almost Christmas and in order to get a little peace I cancelled the next appointment and have not made another.)  I have enjoyed the book but it hasn't totally clicked with me.  I want to tell myself that it is really not that bad and much of the time it isn't.  There can be fairly long periods when everything goes smoothly but then I feel like I am doing all the compromising in those times.  Other times, the book describes exactly what I am experiencing.  My goal is to try to apply the techniques in the book to assert myself more as I feel I have been just caving in to make and keep the peace.  I recently semi-retired (I do computer programming from home now, 30 to 40 hours per week) and am worried about how it will be when I fully retire as I feel that I need some personal time and she seldom goes anywhere.  Anyway, I am enjoying reading the posts on this board and trying to understand how to deal with situations in a way that honors my needs and is, at the same time, kind to her.  Two of my adult children have asked me how I am going to stand it after I retire and also said that their wives have discussed doing an intervention but don't feel like it is their place to do so.  The raging, criticizing, berating and belittling all seem to be directed against me.  This is really hard since I am not large but very strong, wrestled in high school and very involved in backpacking and other outdoor sports.  It is hard to admit that I am suffering verbal abuse at home and have allowed it to go on this long.  Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi slcguy,

Welcome and hello  

Admitting that you are the target of abuse is hard to do, and frankly, also takes a lot of courage. It is the first step toward honoring yourself.

Most likely, if she is BPD, she is driven by a rescue fantasy wherein others must take care of her, meanwhile she resents when others perceive her as helpless. Confusing, to say the least!

She likely projects conflict onto you so that she doesn't have to feel the conflict internally, because to do so would produce catastrophic levels of pain she is not psychologically equipped to handle. So much so that the mere thought of you seeing a therapist is a threat to her.

Do you plan to go back and see this therapist? Maybe that's one of the ways you can begin to honor your needs. We can help you with communication skills and boundary setting if that's helpful, and give you a hint of what to expect as you begin to change the dynamic ever so slightly.

Glad you found us! And glad you are here.

LnL