Needing husband in therapy/intro post

[Aurbi]

This is my first post ever on a support group site, so I apologize if this is a bit weird! My husband is 20 years old and I need help getting him to a therapist.  He has never been diagnosed with BPD,  but I've talked to a woman who's husband was diagnosed and mine is the same.  Reading into BPD hits home.  We've struggled with our relationship for a while,  he is very emotionally abusive during his episodes and we have an almost 2 year old daughter.  I don't want to leave him,  I love him so much and I know he doesn't want to be acting out like he is.  I can't stay with him though if nothing starts to change.  I'm struggling with my emotions and having a hard time fighting off his comments and being a decent mom.  Every time I've asked him to see a therapist he refuses or ignores me.  When he has agreed,  he will not give me his insurance information,  or assist me in any way.  I've told him he doesn't have to do anything but go and that still seems like too much for him.  I want him better whether I leave him or not,  but if I leave I will leave for my sanity.  I guess I'm just hoping that someone has someone who has been in the same situation can help me or just understand what I'm going through!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Sadly, getting a pwBPD to a therapist, and then having it actually make a difference is not common.  I understand, have been tehre, and have had to learn the hard way about how to work on me to make changes that H simply cannot do.

That does not mean things have to stay the same, it just means "fixing" the pwBPD is not the only choice out there.  If you look at the Lessons, you may find how you can modify your responses to his behavior, and see if that can create a different home life for you both. 

I've been with my H for 20 years, we started together at 18/19.  It took a long time for me to even learn about BPD, and then to employ the changes to my reactions that finally made a difference in how his BPD affects our lives.  You are the more emotionally capable. You will end up with a larger share of the emotional responsibility, to not simply react to him and feed the BPD, but to learn other ways to interact.  That's not taking any blame off him - he is an adult and "should" be able to better manage his emotions.  But that comes with time and awareness, and periods of calmer sailing. 

It IS too much for him, going to therapy.  It's admitting that there is something wrong with HIM, and shame avoidance is the corner stone of BPD.  Once you see that, a lot of the blame shifting, the accusations, and the projection make more sense.  He pokes at you, to vent his spleen about how bad he feels.  Since he can't face not being a good husband or dad, he ahs to make it your fault somehow, and retroactively justifies his original outbursts. 

It's not logic, it can't be fought with logic.  ou won't make him see reason if reason involves him being wrong or the cause of any of your marital issues.  So appealing to logic is not going to help.  Empathize with how unnerving therapy sounds.  Go yourself to get into therapy just to have a place to talk about it.  A lot of spouses go for themselves and their well-being, regardless of whether their pwBPD ever goes. 

Validate his feelings, let him know you've heard him, even if you do not agree - sometimes, simply repeating what you've heard can let them feel less under attack, and less likely to strike out.  Come up with ways to leave the house if it gets emotionally abusive.  Remember you need milk.  Go to the store.  He has a right to his feelings, but you have a right to not stand there and take them.  By not being there for him to vent on, it can force a pwBPD, sometimes, to find a way to deal with it on their own instead of the toxic way of yelling and raging at children or a spouse. 

It takes time, and some trial and error.  Pick a small thing to see if you can work on to make yourself less frazzled, less on edge, and less likely to strike back in a verbal confrontation.  You'll be surprised that after a while, things can be headed off or diffused before they hit critical mass at times.  BPD is always there - it's hardwired from childhood into how a person thinks and feels.  But just like any other condition that can be managed, (I think of diabetes and high blood pressure) you can work to manage this.