Feeling shamed

[Larmoyant]

My therapist has been an amazing, supportive person and without her help I would probably still be suffering abuse. I first started seeing her when I was in the relationship and she helped me leave. She even gave me several free session and said I was worth saving. I remember crying when she said that, but during the last session I left feeling very shamed.  She was frustrated that I was still engaging with him (I’m not now), and said I was ‘obsessed’ with learning about BPD. That my ex was a sociopath, an evil abuser and there was nothing more for me to find out and my compassion was misplaced.

Because I’m having trouble getting back into life and being with people again she frustratingly recommended I stopped trying to figure out what had happened, go to the library and research a completely new subject. I felt such shame when I left and haven’t been back since. I do not blame her for feeling frustrated with me. It’s understandable, but the sense of failure and shame is painful.

Since then I’ve gone completely no contact with my ex and it’s been almost a month now. It was a good decision, but I’m still in withdrawal swaying from emotion to emotion coming to terms with all the losses.

I know I need to turn my focus on rebuilding my shattered life, but I’m still quite fearful. My self-esteem is shattered. I have some ideas, but just scared to take any steps to get there. It feels safer to not do anything then no one can hurt me. I don’t think I could take one more knock back, one more criticism. I feel enough of a failure as it is. What if I can’t get a job? What if I’m too old? What can I do now anyway? Who would want me?
I really am damaged.

I’m just in tears about all the losses, and it’s not only the loss of him. I’m coming to terms with that, slowly, no contact is helping with that, and the pain of it isn’t nearly as bad as it was. The pain over my lost career though is terrible. It’s causing me a lot of anguish and anger towards him at times. I try to take responsibility because, despite the tornado that was him, I ultimately dropped the rope on my own life. It’s my job to rebuild it and no amount of resentment towards him will fix the disaster. Yet, I’m angry, resentful, sad and compassionate all at the same time.

I’m stuck and I don’t know how to change it. Has anyone else lost everything?  Career, friends, family who he chased off or who refused to stand by watching me disintegrate. How did you rebuild?

Should I go back to my therapist even though I feel shame or should I find a new one? Please know that I'm not blaming her for my feelings, but I just don't want anyone else seeing me as a failure especially when she put such effort into helping me. I will always be grateful to her. It's painful.

[foggydew]

The word 'failure' is the big problem. There isn't really any such thing as a 'failure', and I find it totally unhelpful. Your life is in a new phase, not shattered. It is difficult to find direction (I have the same problem, but possibly for different reasons).  A new centre of interest is certainly helpful... .I find that occupying myself with BPD does to some extent fuel the addiction - it's a fix by proxy - but it is also a bit of a safety net instead of contacting the BPD person. New interests are really the key, I believe, though not easy to build up. The personal interest and contact we have through our preoccupation with the disordered person seems to provide much greater satisfaction than the mundane day to day events of other people.
But life IS mundane really. I at least have to build up a tolerance for non life-changing events - holidays, minor difficulties, small disagreements and all the other things that others talk about daily. After really years of drama (BPD person, mental illness of relatives, fatal illness of husband) coming down to earth and normal events is difficult for me. And not having my beloved job.
But small steps help. Researching a new topic sounds great. Any ideas? I'd be really grateful if you would share an idea with me. I'm willing to try almost anything... .but I'm not willing to be bored.
I'm also trying to come to terms with the loss of my BPD person. And I find it's the loss of his function in my life that is probably the worst part. So, off on the search for something or some people who can take over that function... .it could actually be pretty interesting. As for being old... I think I'm much older than you, but does that mean I should give up and wait for death in 10, 15 years? I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul (Invicticus, Henley).

[Panda39]

Larmoyant,

I'm sorry the interaction with the therapist made you feel shamed.  It really sounds to me that the therapist is trying to get you to focus on something else other than your ex and BPD I don't believe there was any intent to shame you. You yourself say that you are stuck.  I know you are feeling uncomfortable about returning but I would and I would discuss with her that this is how you felt and explore why you felt that way in reaction to her comments.  It sounds like you have a good relationship you should be able to discuss this.

In terms of processing the "why" of the ex and BPD it is mental illness plain and simple.  I spent a lot of time trying to understand and make sense of what my SO's uBPDxw was doing and the truth is I couldn't but I was able to eventually see patterns to her behavior that made things easier for me to cope with.  I will never understand why she rented townhomes she couldn't afford, or sent her daughter to Wisconsin to camp that she didn't pay for with no return plane ticket, or told her other daughter she'd pay for college when she couldn't.  These are not rational decisions and no matter how long I ponder I can't make them rational.

Don't beat yourself up you are on a journey of healing, your timetable might be different than the therapist, the therapist might be trying to shake things up a bit to help you become unstuck, my guess is the therapist has no idea how this made you feel and that it wasn't her intention to hurt you.

I understand that you are uncomfortable about going back but push through and talk to her, I bet you will feel much better if you do.  Don't leave it where it is, it's up to you.

Panda39

[steelwork]

I agree with Panda: it sounds like you had (have) a good relationship with that therapist. In a way, the fact that she brought out these feelings of intense shame may be evidence of a process at work: transference, which gives you an opportunity to work through the shame and get to the real roots. Because it does not sound like it's just a matter of not following her recommendations.

About failure: yes, I understand that feeling really well. Not wrt my uBPDx; more like... .life. I am 51, no job, coming to terms with the fact that the thing I've been struggling at for the last 10 years is not going to work out. No kids. A lot of things--I don't have the energy to go through them--but just an everpresent and palpable sense of failure. The only thing that relieves it for me is defining down success. Sorry--that's a bummer. But I'm working on it.

[Grey Kitty]

during the last session I left feeling very shamed.  She was frustrated that I was still engaging with him (I’m not now), and said I was ‘obsessed’ with learning about BPD. That my ex was a sociopath, an evil abuser and there was nothing more for me to find out and my compassion was misplaced.

Others suggested that your therapist was trying to motivate you toward real and (she felt) needed actions. If so, that seems to me to be a therapist's job, but a part that requires care to do properly. There is a difference between feeling ashamed and a person trying to shame you. A good therapist wouldn't try to shame you. I don't think this one did.

Should I go back to my therapist even though I feel shame or should I find a new one? Please know that I'm not blaming her for my feelings, but I just don't want anyone else seeing me as a failure especially when she put such effort into helping me. I will always be grateful to her. It's painful.

I think feeling ashamed is something that is likely to come up in therapy for most people, sooner or later. It is a good marker of something you need to wrok on in therapy. A good therapist will handle it with grace in a supportive way.

If you trust your therapist, I'd encourage you to give her another shot before trying to find a new one.

If you are afraid she will shame you, then I recommend against it.

As others said, it is your choice.

[Larmoyant]

I agree with Panda: it sounds like you had (have) a good relationship with that therapist. In a way, the fact that she brought out these feelings of intense shame may be evidence of a process at work: transference, which gives you an opportunity to work through the shame and get to the real roots. Because it does not sound like it's just a matter of not following her recommendations.

.

Thank you for your replies.There’s a lot going on in my head right now involving failure and shame, but this really stood out. I tried to remember what it was she said that gave rise to those shameful feelings. My ex had been in contact that day and I was triggered, upset at some nasty put-down or other and she’d asked me a question that I wasn’t able to answer.

I can’t recall the conversation verbatim, but she said something about him not having the power to make judgments. That his opinion of me was worthless, but 'my' viewpoint wasn’t and then she asked me what my viewpoint was. I couldn’t answer, not one word, she pushed and I just said “I just don’t know”. I didn’t. It was a horrible moment. I felt completely silenced. It was then she seemed frustrated or even a little angry with me, she may or may not have been, I don’t know but it seemed like she was.

I wasn’t aware, but I’d placed my hand over my mouth. She told me to take my hand away and said that I had a right to speak, my perspective not his, but I still couldn’t answer. She then pointed out that his effect on me is helplessness, childlike and this is apparent in my gestures and body language. It was this that shamed me and really I’m embarrassed to even write all this down. I suppose no adult wants to come across like a child.

She is right though because this was the effect he had on me at times. Too many times. Helplessness. He treated me like a child, chastising and critiquing my ‘inappropriate’ behaviour, tried to control who I interacted with, where I went, belittling my accomplishments, plans and even who I am as a person. Three words spring to mind domination, control and shame.

I think the biggest problem here is that I allowed all of this abuse that led to all these losses and that’s a deep source of shame. I’m blaming myself and on top of that being thought of as a child instead of a capable, mature adult is deeply shameful. It’s at complete odds with who I thought I was before this disastrous relationship, a mature, confident, capable adult that people came to for help and advice sometimes. A person who could be relied on to help when someone was down. Where has she gone?

.I find that occupying myself with BPD does to some extent fuel the addiction - it's a fix by proxy - but it is also a bit of a safety net instead of contacting the BPD person.

.
 
foggydew, yes, I think it might be a way for me to stay attached to him in some way, but at least it’s from a safe distance now. Learning about BPD has had benefits too in that it helps to depersonalise all the abuse.
I’m trying to come up with some ideas for you. What are your interests? I have a few ideas for further academic study (PhD), but haven’t been able to get it off the ground yet. I get a sense that I’m close though. Would further study in an area you are interested in be a good idea for you too?

Panda, I agree. She has been so supportive of me and I can see what she was trying to do. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, it seemed to highlight my feelings of helplessness and not being able to take the first step. I think she unwittingly triggered further feelings of shame by pointing out my childlike gestures, and I’ve gone into further hiding/avoiding to cope with them. I’m going to return and talk it over with her. Who knows this may well be a breakthrough in recovering from all this.

. About failure: yes, I understand that feeling really well. Not wrt my uBPDx; more like... .life. I am 51, no job, coming to terms with the fact that the thing I've been struggling at for the last 10 years is not going to work out. No kids. A lot of things--I don't have the energy to go through them--but just an everpresent and palpable sense of failure. The only thing that relieves it for me is defining down success. Sorry--that's a bummer. But I'm working on it.

.

steelworks, you hit the nail on the head here and described it well. An ever present, palpable sense of failure. Debilitating. I’m in my forties now, no job, lost my final opportunity to achieve my lifelong dream career, no chance to do it again because I royally messed up, etc, etc. Need to start working on those negative thoughts too.

Grey Kitty, I don’t think she meant to either.  I think this shame is a response to feelings of helplessness that the relationship induced and might well be the reason I’ve gone into hiding overall, avoiding life, people, scared to take that first step. I felt a lot of shame being likened to a child too and she probably doesn’t realise this. I'll go back and talk with her about it all. I suppose that which is most feared should be faced.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

I'm sorry that you are feeling shamed after your therapy appointment. I can relate to wanting to hide after that. It would be my reaction, too.   It does sound like the feelings and session brought up deeper issues, about your overall life direction. I can definitely relate. When we don't have the "other" to focus on anymore, we are left with ourselves, and sometimes, if we have caretaking/codependent tendencies, we have no idea what to do. We are so used to focusing on someone else, on a relationship, on solving the "problem."

I agree with the other posters that you might want to push through and speak to your therapist about how her comments made you feel. I think there may be some rich mining to do on that subject.

Your shame at feeling helpless and childlike reminds me of other posts of yours, where it seemed that the innocent and hurt child in you had seemingly completely taken over, i.e., she was trying to deal with adult issues and solve adult problems, for which she did not have the skills. The child can't run the entire show; she needs support, love, protection. But I think that mature, confident, capable adult is also inside of you. Perhaps your therapist wanted to bring her out? I believe that adult part of you can deal with grown-up problems, given the chance.

There is the idea that therapy is a kind of reparenting process, and I think ultimately we learn how to reparent ourselves (the adult in us reparents the child).

Do you think that might be part of the challenge you are experiencing right now?

I want to congratulate you on stopping contact for this long. That is really hard, and I'm proud of your for putting your needs first. Step by step, Larmoyant. You are absolutely making progress. It doesn't matter if it's fast or slow, you will get there. 

heartandwhole  

[Larmoyant]

heartandwhole, you make me feel understood and supported, thank you. That I’ve managed to stay no contact for a month is amazing really. I actually did it! It’s given me space to really think and the fog is clearing more and more each day, but you’re right I’m now left with myself and it’s not a pretty sight.

I’ve been hiding away continuing the isolation that he started, but I want to change it only it’s difficult knowing where to start. Feeling this horrible sense of embarrassment/shame isn’t helping. I still don’t feel very strong, although there are times I can see a way out, the adult in me is in there somewhere.

You’re correct about the hurt child taking over. I often feel quite helpless, at times it feels overwhelming, and debilitating, but the more I keep away from him the better. I feel exposed for want of a better word, vulnerable. I shall look into the idea of reparenting as this is a continuing problem for me. Is it normal do you think after all the abuse? It’s just that he always treated me as inferior, even the way he used to take my hand to cross the road (see embarrassing ), like he was the king of the world or something and I was 5 years old! I did fight this treatment and when I did, well, we all know about the fireworks! I’m a gentle soul by nature, but assertive when I needed to be only he turned out to be a lot stronger than me.

[heartandwhole]

I feel exposed for want of a better word, vulnerable. I shall look into the idea of reparenting as this is a continuing problem for me. Is it normal do you think after all the abuse?

I can relate to what you are saying here, Larmoyant. For a short time after my breakup, I walked around in the world feeling very vulnerable and exposed—you say it well. It got to the point where I was scanning the environment for danger and ill will. I wasn't paranoid, but I often thought that people and situations were going to hurt me.

I had never felt that way after a breakup, so in that sense, I think it was "normal" in that it had to do with the loaded bond I had had with pwBPD, and re-experiencing my own past hurts and losses. The good news is that those feelings went away.    I am not afraid of life and other people as I felt then. It does get better.

Our timetables may be different, but we are all heading toward the same goal, in my view. I know how discouraging it can be to fall back a step or two, and to struggle to push forward. But I think it's worth putting that foot forward. In my experience, life has things in store for me that I just can't see (the BIG picture), so I try to reframe times like these into opportunities to change for the better. Even if I don't understand it. What looks horrible now could end up being a blessing down the line. It doesn't make it any easier or feel any better, but I suppose I'd rather look at life as basically working for my good, than against it. 

heartandwhole

[lovenature]

The only thing that relieves it for me is defining down success.

Truth is success is when we live our lives the way WE really want to live them, not by what a materialistic society judges us on. Look at how many so called rich and famous people end their lives by suicide, and how many people who have virtually no material things or "status" are very happy and content. How we treat ourselves and others is far more important than what we accumulate.