do you share good news with your family?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just curious how people handle sharing your good news, whether you feel reluctant to share it with your family members (BPD traits, narcissistic traits, etc.)?

If you don't share, how come?

How does it feel that you can't, won't, or don't share good things happening in your life with your family?

Thanks for anyone who replies... .I'm trying to work through something and figured people here would understand what people from healthy, emotionally mature families might think was an odd question.

LnL

[livednlearned]

Just curious how people handle sharing your good news, whether you feel reluctant to share it with your family members (BPD traits, narcissistic traits, etc.)?

If you don't share, how come?

How does it feel that you can't, won't, or don't share good things happening in your life with your family?

Thanks for anyone who replies... .I'm trying to work through something and figured people here would understand what people from healthy, emotionally mature families might think was an odd question.

LnL

[Sunfl0wer]

I really like this question.  It is something that is always running in the background of my mind but I keep it more suppressed.

I do not at all feel comfortable sharing some good news with the family that I do talk to.  (I am NC with all FOO, just some cousins that are younger than me)

I feel very uncomfortable to appear to be doing "better off" than them.  I worry also about sharing any sense of financial sucess ever for fear they will want to just have a piece of it, hold it against me how I spend my money, feel entitled to a piece until they see that we are at level. 

I am ok sharing sucess stories of me working hard, struggling and getting a result.

This bothers me.  Bothers me that I feel some sense of FOG and this paints what and how I share info.  Also bothers me that I know there is a sense of competitiveness or jelousy with them that keeps me shy from presenting all of myself from them.

Sometimes I feel there is an unspoken rule of connecting via struggle and if I break this, I am less appealing, and an enemy.

[Harri]

I did share good news (and bad) but only well after I had time to process/enjoy/experience the news myself and with those who could share in my happiness without tainting it.  Sometimes it would be days later, sometimes weeks.

Ooops, posted too soon.  It did not bother me to not be able to tell them things as it was just the way things were.  I was used to it and grew up knowing what to keep close and safe to savor and enjoy on my own.  I never thought much about it until trying to answer this part of your question.  It just was.

[Notwendy]

I am very protective of any news that could be used as narcissistic supply- by my mother to brag. I know that parents and grandparents like to share good news, but in my mother's case, it feels as if she uses me and the kids to foster her own self image.

It doesn't feel as if I have a parent who is proud of me or my kids, but it feels like they are being used. It is important to me that my kids pursue things because those things matter to them, not to be used to please someone else.

So if my kids achieve something that is important to them- a sports award, or something like placing in a science fair, or getting a place in the chorus, I don't tell my mother about that. I may say what they are doing " Billy's soccer team won the championship" but in a less specific way.

How do I feel about this? Good actually. I felt pressured to fit my mother's ideas of success and she was very vocal about me doing things that would please her. Although I want my kids to do their best- that best also includes who they are, not whether or not it brings grandma bragging material. I love my kids for who they are, not what they do. They deserve that.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey livednlearned:   

HOW COME I DON'T SHARE:
Sister tends to be jealous.
Parents were critical and worried too much.
If you aren't on a pedestal, you will tend to have a shorter fall

HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT NOT SHARING:
It doesn't bother me. I can validate myself.
I feel more protected by not sharing some things

I've been rather closed mouth with sharing some things with family over the years.  Any good news that related to money, I have generally kept to myself.  Other than sharing info. about health insurance and a few basic facts, I've held back most good news related to work.  If asked a direct question regarding my income, I'd give a vague answer and just say I'm doing okay.  I don't think I ever directly shared news of a promotion with my sister, but I did share that type of good news with my parents and my sister learned the news from them.

My sister had a tendency to be jealous.  I guess that is the reason I started to limit what I shared.     Along with keeping my finances private, I'd also not share other information, if I thought I'd get a critical response.  My parents both worried too much, so many times the less I shared, the better off I was.

[livednlearned]

Thanks for your responses, everyone.

Bothers me that I feel some sense of FOG and this paints what and how I share info.

Me too. Were you raised to think it was bad to keep things from your family?

I'm not sure if it's fear, obligation, and/or guilt in my case. Though I have always had a sense that there were "safe" things to talk about, and things that should not be discussed.

Sometimes I feel there is an unspoken rule of connecting via struggle and if I break this, I am less appealing, and an enemy.

I can see how that might make you feel guilty/bad about succeeding, or doing well, because it would jeopardize the feeling of having a close bond with your family.

I did share good news (and bad) but only well after I had time to process/enjoy/experience the news myself and with those who could share in my happiness without tainting it.

I think this is what I might be doing -- protecting good news so I can enjoy it. I don't fully understand why their response would dilute my good news, though. They can't change the news, or take it away from me. I'm going to feel good about it regardless of what they say or do. Yet, I don't like to share good news with them. I feel guilty and weird about not telling them, and at the same time I feel good about taking care of myself like this.

I am very protective of any news that could be used as narcissistic supply- by my mother to brag. I know that parents and grandparents like to share good news, but in my mother's case, it feels as if she uses me and the kids to foster her own self image.

Notwendy, this is something I can relate to. My mom is not NPD/BPD, but she is pathologically codependent, and definitely an adult child. I always feel like our conversations are about me providing "material" and while she is emotionally reactive, she is not emotionally mature, if that makes sense. So often, my news elicits emotions from her that make things about her. She can't stay on one of my topics for longer than a sentence, never asks follow up questions, and when she retells stories about telling others the news, the facts are always so distorted and often end up making me feel embarrassed.

I wish I could feel good about not sharing, like you mention. It still feels sad and strange to not freely tell family good news.

I can validate myself. I feel more protected by not sharing some things.

Not sharing is definitely about feeling protected for me, too.

I see some themes in all of your responses:

+good news can trigger feelings of jealousy in family members
+not sharing news is a way to protect oneself and loved ones
+not sharing news is a way to savor good feelings
+family members can and will exploit good news
+feelings about not sharing ranges from feeling good, just the way it is, to feeling uncomfortable (FOG).

For me, I can't shake this feeling that I'm being used when I share good news with family. It feels like there is a very covert power struggle and I lose every time.  

My T thinks I have harbored a healing fantasy, where I keep expecting my parents and brother to respond in emotionally mature and meaningful ways. .

I definitely feel vulnerability in sharing good news, hoping that it will heal what hurts, while knowing full well that isn't going to happen.

I think I'm feeling grief, like another part of the relationship that is being mourned.

[Sunfl0wer]

Me too. Were you raised to think it was bad to keep things from your family?


I'm not sure if it's fear, obligation, and/or guilt in my case. Though I have always had a sense that there were "safe" things to talk about, and things that should not be discussed.

Was not raised to think it was bad to keep things from them, no.  Was raised to not share any of "the family's business," yet that is a bit different.

I learned somewhere about "scripts" and "roles," maybe in a psychology class from yrs ago.  Recall learning about unspoken scripts families have.

Mine had:
You do not share what happens in this house with outsiders
You are not allowed to be successful, have money, you will always be dependent on us, or if you manage to leave, you will be dependent on another at equal status or lower than us.

So this was never spoken.  But the stability of the dynamic was evident when someone broke these scripts.  If someone achieved more than was expected for their role, "they are greedy/cheated." Or some other form of bashing them ensued.  It initially would destabilize the dynamic, then attempts would be made by members to restabilize via degrading or any means. Then return to roles/scripts would ensue.

So even if someone left the family unit, got married to a "successful" person, became sucessful themself, the script HAD to be true.  So instead of being happy for the person, then reality would be painted to match the script. So if script says that financial success greater than the family is not possible, then family would try to discredit the success in some way, find fault by blaming person for cheating in school, being greedy or deceptive, or not helping out family enough therefore wasting the "success" and greedy, or believe sucess was achieved by ill means such as sleeping with boss, etc. 

I can see how that might make you feel guilty/bad about succeeding, or doing well, because it would jeopardize the feeling of having a close bond with your family.

Thank you for this.  Seems so simple, but hadn't occured to me.

[Woolspinner2000]

Great questions, LNL. 

I also tend to guard the sharing of good news, and for a few reasons. Often jealousy is the result, as nearly all of us mentioned. I don't like the competition; I just want someone to rejoice with me. So then I tend to not tell them at all. It's sad, a grieving process as you said. Then another reason is that my good news can become an opportunity for someone to criticize me. There are healthy people who are happy with me, but those who are not healthy tend to not be safe for me to go to. I've had to learn the hard way, after falling into the same mistake again and again of being vulnerable in my joy and then disappointed in how they respond. Now I have much healthier boundaries and generally only share with safe people.

I wonder if when we share good news with our unhealthy family members, is it possible that they don't receive it well because they want us to be dependent upon them? If they join in affirming the goodness, will they see us as independent of them (that they were not responsible for it even though they may still try to make it that way)? That in turn leads to the possibility of them feeling rejected by us which starts up the cycle all over again.  Just thinking out loud... .

Wools

[Stolen]

How does it feel that you can't, won't, or don't share good things happening in your life with your family?

Thanks for anyone who replies... .I'm trying to work through something and figured people here would understand what people from healthy, emotionally mature families might think was an odd question

LnL,

Not my family, but xW's FOO - a cluster of cluster Bs - you could Never share anything good with them. The response would always be negative - self-serving envy (their version of victimhood), a need to sabotage your success, or a desperate quest for any scraps that would result from the success.  Over two decades of this, and it never deviated - always negative.

We saved for years and years to buy a nice house "your house has so many better features than mine (not true)... ."

We saved and bought a new car "what are you doing with the old car (tongue out)"

We saved and bought another new car "oh, there is a scratch here - did you see it?"

I never heard an honest exclamation of congratulations.  So everything became a deep dark secret.

It seems happiness was just not allowed.
It was so bizarre to me - but now I understand.

[Fie]

Hi Liveandlearned  

Same here with me : I also learned to keep good news to myself, although just as Woolspinner mentioned, I had to learn this after a lot of disappointments and disbelieve about why they couldn't be just happy for me.
After years and years I got it. But the thing is, it's not just good news, it's all personal stuff in general. Anything you say can be used against you -  maybe that's why I became a legal adviser  :-).


I'm sure jealousy was involved, and also the inability for being happy for another person (lack of empathy in general) - and for being happy altogether. Probably also a very deeply rooted pessimism ('maybe it's going ok now, but wait and see, life is hard and better to expect the worst so you are not disappointed afterwards'.

It was considered rude to not share though. Privacy was considered selfish (on every level). But if you did share, you were sure it was at some point going to be used against you. Classical double bind of BPD.

Hope this helps !
x

[GreenGlit]

Very interesting post and insightful answers.
I'm very reluctant to share any kind of news w my parents - good or bad. If it's good it gives my uBPD mom the opportunity to criticize. If it's bad it gives the opportunity to rub it in my face.
Keeping the good and bad of my life to myself and my husband/friends helps me keep control of my life and protects me from the hurtful criticism I would inevitably get. How does it make me feel? Sometimes, very alone. I wish I could share my life w my mom, and I wish she could be happy for me, but it's not possible for her. She is too ill. So I feel alienated from my family (which she is the center of) - an outcast of sorts. I yearn for that mother that can smile when I'm happy and support me when I'm down. But I have slowly come to accept that's not possible for me to have in her. It's a hard pill to swallow.