What do I do?

[In a bad way]

Hello everyone,
I came across this forum whilst researching instant personality change, I've read a lot on here and can see I'm not alone.
The reason I was doing the research is because my ex fiancee would change from one person to another in a split second, like turning a light on or off or changing channels on a TV.
Laughter to illogical irrational verbally abusive in an instant with no memory of it the next morning, sometimes even an hour later.
Anyway I don't know where to start, I've seen posts on threads I could join in but I don't want to jump in on them all.
What I have to say would turn into a book so I need to start where I am now and work backwards.
She has left me in a severe state of depression, I can barely eat or sleep and find it difficult to leave the house.
I am a nervous wreck and can only think about her and our relationship where I knew 8 months before she abandoned me I was being abused.
Problem is I can't hate her and I can't blame her because it's not her fault, another her takes over.
But I am hurt she won't speak to me and not heard from her for 7 months, I cry everyday. Friends tell me I am better off out but I don't see it that way.
I wanted to post on this thread but it's closed. (This was the one I first found)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=fa59cd394fd181f769e4a87931ff423b&topic=173913.10

I loved her and still do, I miss her every waking minute and knowing she is only a 3 minute walk away getting on with her life is killing me.
She has 3 kids and her ex their dad is a complete control freak and set out to split us up after them being split for ten years.
The pressure he put on her and the brainwashing of her kids against me took its toll on her and added to her problems.
After 20 years of his control she was brainwashed by him and couldn't stand up to him.
What hurts is I know she loved me but she let him win, even though she promised he wouldn't.
She was my soulmate and I miss her,nothing has ever hurt so much for so long it's like last week to me.
I sent her key back to her around 10 weeks ago with a letter but got no reply just as when I had to resort to text messages explaining to her how much she was hurting me, I'd get a reply 3 hours later asking what I was cooking tonight.
She buried her head in the sand all the time.
Anyway I could go on all night but as I said it would turn into a book.

Thanks for reading.

Also I would like to add that for the first 4 months she showed no signs she was perfect.
Then one night watching TV she just turned to me and told me to F... .off out of her house and went mental, then text me later asking where I had gone.
I told her and she said she couldn't remember and was sorry and if she did it again to ignore her and go to bed.
However in her future rages when I tried that she would sit on the stairs with the door open screaming, swearing at me to leave denying she  said I should go to bed. The good person couldn't remember what the bad one had done and also the other way around.

[Mutt]

Hi in a bad way,  



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. A r/s break-up with a pwBPD is on level that is on its own and being triangulated feels lik you've lost complete control of the r/s. It hurts to see you ex get on with her life and like you said, like a light switch, and you're in knee deep pain. It helps to talk to people that can relate with this type of loss and abandonment, something similar to you situation happened to me.

Don't worry about writing writing tome or joining multiple discussions. Two things, a lot of us had no one to talk to about the behaviors that were going on behind closed doors and if we did talk to family and friends, they didn't completely get it and it can feel invalidating although it's not their fault.

It helps to share your experience and write things down, it's therapeutical and it helps to process the pain and loss. You probably have a lot on to get off of your chest, anywhere is a good start. How long were you engaged for? Is she still in touch with you?

Have you talked to a GP about depression and lack of sleep?

[sad but wiser]

Hello bad way,
    I am sorry to hear you are going through this.  You are certainly not the first. If she truly could not remember things, it is possible that she has multiple mental problems, or things that go even beyond BPD.  It almost sounds like multiple personality disorder, but only a good psychiatrist could tell.
  Why is this so hard?  Because you saved her and she undid that.  At least that is how it appears and feels.  Things may not be what they seem.  Sometimes people who feel out of control seek out someone who is controlling.  Then they resent the control.  The bottom line is, she has to work through those problems for herself.  I know you would love to fix everything for her, but only she can do this.
And only you can deal with the aftermath of forming a deep bond unaware that the other person has a serious mental problem.  I know you do not want to break the bond, but you must work through it for your own sake.  And you can. 

[In a bad way]

First let me thank you both for your replies, if in the meantime there are others I'm sorry I am slow at typing.
I've not heard from her since July when she text saying never to contact her again.
I sent her a key back in November with a letter but had no reply.
She made me promise her that I would never leave or abandon her to which I replied I had no intention off doing that was in October 2015.
She had been hurt by people, problem was she couldn't accept I wasn't them.
She had many problems, she called her mum and dad by their first names whereas her sisters called them mum and dad.
Yes she was troubled and I discovered that after 4 months, but I am genuine and I loved her.
She is / was controlled by her kids and ex which made matters worse.
Also I am not sure how many of her are in her head, at least 2 maybe  more?
I stuck by her through more than you can imagine this is why her complete blank hurts so much.
She even as the whole cliche goes got the dog, I'm left stuck in a spare room at my mums like a recluse because I'm scared to go out. She took my confidence and trust.
She said she needed me and we needed each other so how can she dismiss me like this for so long?
I feel betrayed I did everything for her and her kids.

Sorry so much to say but my thoughts are faster than my hands.

I am so very glad I found this forum I'm in a desperate state and hope it can help me.

[Mutt]

I agree with sad but wiser, you saved her, you, her and her ex make three points along a triangle. BPD is a persecution complex, the person believes that their circumstances are from external causes and not from their choices and actions. A pwBPD will often cast themselves in the role of victim in need of rescue and sometimes the role of rescuer, very seldom the role of persecutor. What do triangles do? It alleviates pressure in a r/s by adding a third party.

Your thread title, what do I do? Being cast in the role of persecutor is a difficult role to be cast in. It doesn't mean that you have to assume that role. Did you have something in mind when you say what do I do? What do you have in mind?

[In a bad way]

Your thread title, what do I do? Being cast in the role of persecutor is a difficult role to be cast in. It doesn't mean that you have to assume that role. Did you have something in mind when you say what do I do? What do you have in mind?   

Sorry I am in England and don't quite get some meanings... .
By "what do I do?"
I mean how do I get out of this depression and empty loneliness recluse everything has gone mode.
8 months I've been stuck in this, this forum is my last hope.
I want/need her to talk to me.
But I know she obviously doesn't care, and I feel he was the cause even though she was to blame for not dealing with it, I can't blame her because he has a hold over her.
He's even starting late 2015 giving the kids he's dying of cancer and planing  his funeral to get attention which affected her... .He's as fit as a fiddle.
The whole situation was a joke.
I stuck by her, all her personality problems all the abuse she gave me and couldn't remember, all the empty promises that she didn't remember.
The more I think about it the more she was more than 2 people.
Her sister said she thought she was bi-polar, and told me to walk away and leave her but I couldn't.
In the end her sister turned on me becaus she never was there to see the change.

[ynwa]

Hey in a bad way,

They are asking you, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO.  What makes you feel good?  I'd tell you if I was home in England, I'd be gone down the chippy for chips and mushy peas. Or a whippy 99.

You are going through something really hard. And you have to make yourself better, stronger, and no one is going to do that better than you.  You are depressed and need to deal with that.  See a doctor, talk to a friend, but don't just sit there. 

I'm being honest with you, and I say it because I'm there too.  I woke this morning and felt like I hadn't slept.  im sad, lonely, and feel like this is too much.
But that's in my head.  It's not real.  You will get through this. It's not easy, and its small steps.  But read some of the articles on this site. There is a great book called Codependency No More that will help you.

And make a list of three things you think you are missing out on (not your relationship) because of this. 

For me?

1. In going to volunteer today at an animal shelter.
2. I'm watching the football with some friends.
3. I'm going to take time out and feel sad, I'm going to remember how I got here, but I'm going vacuum and do some laundry while im doing it.

You have to take part in your life.  This one setback, however major is one.  You will have others. But you will also have amazing moments of happiness. 

Ps. Smile.  You are ok.

[In a bad way]

I just want to sleep but I don't sleep for long, then I have nightmares and always wake up panicking which can last all day.
I understand what you are saying but my motivation is virtually non-existent most of the time and my mind is one tracked.
I used to love cooking, but now I hardly eat.
Talking to friends works for a short while but they've heard it too many times now.