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coworkerfriend
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« on: January 15, 2017, 03:49:36 PM »

I have logged in many times in the past 6 weeks to post.  I have read the lessons - I have tried to find comfort - I have tried to calm myself during the storms. I am tired and so down right now.  I don't know how I can go on like this. 

I knew the holidays were going to be tough.  I kept my expectations low - tried to the best of my ability to manage stay focused and strong.   We had three good weeks overall - he worked hard at managing his emotions. Christmas day was overwhelming for him - two of our kids were home from college - the house was full and busy.  He pulled it together and the rest of the week was good. 

New Year's Eve was a turning point and he has gone downhill every day since.  There was what he considers to be an "incident" at work - one of our employees was in a bad mood - apparently said something which triggered a massive dysregulation. There truly wasn't in incident but it triggered something deep inside of him.  The employee needed help on a project and the tone/words he used when asking for it was all it took.

In the past two weeks, he has spiraled further and further down - I have been removing myself from his rages.  Many days last week, he would call upwards of 20 times in a row and I wouldn't answer - he would finally text or leave a message that he was done.  He was at the office one of the days quiet at his desk and within minutes he was angry - throwing things - knocking over chairs.  I immediately left and told him that I could not be around his rages.  He gave me a resignation letter and wants me to buy him out.  I told him that I would figure out how to do that which in turn made him furious and how dare I try to take away his business.  If he isn't up and raging, he is spending hours and hours laying in bed.  He spent 4 hours standing in the bathroom the other day unable to get into the shower.  He has calmed himself down at times only to work himself up within hours about how alone and empty he feels.  He has asked me for help - for support.  I listen and validate.  I have very gently discussed that I think he needs to talk to his doctor about how depressed he is.  I know he lies to his doctors - lies to his therapist about what is going on. I have mentioned that I know he has a disorder and I have been reading more and more and that I don't think he is not alone in how he feels.  He says he is hopeless - no one can help him - he is too far gone.  Nothing is reaching him. 

He has told me everyday that it is over between us.  It is completely and really over - that his feelings for me are gone.  I have told him that I understand.  I accept that is how he feels.  To be completely honest, it does feel over.  I lay in bed at night trying to figure out how to untangle our lives with the least amount of damage.  We own property together - we own the business together - we love each others kids.   He keeps trying to push me to the point of no return - threatening to tell the staff the business is ending - threatening to go back to his exwife. 

Since I found this board in 2012, I have been committed to staying.  I have learned so much and I think for the most part, I have become a much stronger person.  As much as I want to stay, I need to focus on keeping the business running.  Our employees depend on their jobs - they are so hardworking and loyal.  I don't know if I can help him through his crisis and run the business.   

I don't know what to do.  He desperately needs help and I know he is the only one who can do anything.  I don't want to abandon him.  I love him and I know he is deeply hurting.  I don't know what to do - I guess I have to just let go.  Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated - I feel hopeless and alone. 
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Lockjaw
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« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2017, 05:57:05 PM »

You can't fix him. Loving kids is tough when you split. I lost kids I loved in a split, although not with last ex. First ex. Kids of her friends. You get past it.

All I can tell you is I lived a miserable life with my last ex, for about 7 years. I refused to have any physical contact with her, and rarely talked. I WASTED 7 years of my life, and then another year getting untangled.  I turned 50 this past year. I went nearly 8 years without having a woman I cared about touch me. You don't realize how much your body craves that, until you don't have it for a while.

Only you know for sure what you can deal with. I would just hate to see you wake up like me one day, with years of life wasted, and only regrets left to show for it.

Good luck as you make some touch decisions.
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Grey Kitty
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2017, 09:36:27 PM »

I can't answer the big questions on what to do. Tough choices for you, and only you. 

He was at the office one of the days quiet at his desk and within minutes he was angry - throwing things - knocking over chairs.  I immediately left and told him that I could not be around his rages.

You are doing the right thing. Protect yourself from being around those rages. Sucks for your employees, but they are adults, and can protect themselves if they need to.

Excerpt
He gave me a resignation letter and wants me to buy him out.  I told him that I would figure out how to do that which in turn made him furious and how dare I try to take away his business.

That is an extinction burst attempt, since he didn't get what he wanted by raging.

Again, you seem pretty much right--you can't force him to stay in a business with you; if he wants to walk, that is his choice. (I'd recommend telling him that he can leave if he wants to when he does that. Leaving the choice with him.)

That said, you don't have to agree to his terms for him leaving. You may or may not need to buy him out. And it may or may not be at the value he thinks it should be, or perhaps won't be payable until years later when the business can afford it.

But don't really do much other than not agree to anything specific / sign anything specific which could cost you badly at a time like this. This is a tantrum to get attention, not a serious negotiation to end a shared business relationship. Remember that.

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coworkerfriend
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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2017, 11:27:51 AM »

GK you are absolutely right - this has been days and days of tantrums to get my attention.  The phone calls - the threats - the ultimatums.  It has felt endless.  

It feels like we had a major setback.  I don't see him ever dealing with any of his core issues.   It is one thing when it affects our personal life - I can't let it destroy the business.  I don't want it to destroy the business.   I am trying very hard to come to terms with what I need to do to change.   I feel stuck and powerless.  I will not agree to anything when he is like this.  He is trying to wear me down.  

I found out he took his exwife out to dinner one of the days I didn't answer his calls and he couldn't locate me.  He looked for me at work and at home.  I went to a coffee shop because I knew he wasn't done raging.  He was looking to her for comfort I guess.  I do feel hurt by that - but I probably shouldn't let it bother me.   I don't know - I feel like I need to sort myself out and I just keep tangling myself up.

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Grey Kitty
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2017, 03:54:54 PM »

It feels like we had a major setback.  I don't see him ever dealing with any of his core issues.

Nope, and I suggest you set your expectations that he never will. Heartbreaking to accept, but better than having your false hopes dashed time after time after time after time.

Excerpt
It is one thing when it affects our personal life - I can't let it destroy the business.  I don't want it to destroy the business.

Speaking of personal life, yeah, he probably wanted to get a rise out of you by contacting his exwife.

OTOH, he is clearly harming the business already--he stomps off and doesn't do work. He throws tantrums which upset the people who work for you, and have you leaving work to protect yourself from the raging. (I do believe this is the right thing for you to do when you need to, but it removes you from the business and harms it too.)

For that matter, he probably can destroy the business if he chooses to be that destructive.

Up to you to choose how much more of it you will take, and what other options you have.

And figure out how much better you can make things using the tools yourself.
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coworkerfriend
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« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2017, 07:56:17 AM »

Thank you GK - I need help with both my expectations and my actions.

I think it get to the end of my rope, begin to mentally detach and he senses it.  At that point, he apologies and seems so genuine in his desire to change his behavior - to get help - to address the issues.  I feel like I always buy into it.  I don't think I can do that anymore.  For the past two days, he has gotten up - worked all day - had a really positive attitude and even started exercising.   But last night, things didnt go exactly his way and he went to bed mad at 9pm.  I left at that point - I had a feelings things could go downhill fast and sure enough, I got the I'm sick and not coming to work text at 3am.  I know that is his "cry for help" - that he is looking for attention.  How do I use the tools during this cycle?  There have been times the past few weeks that I wanted to tell him about BPD.  He seems truly at a loss as to why he feels like he does.  He knows how deeply disordered he is and he feels hopeless about improving.  He has spent his life hiding and lying about his feelings.  I know that he lies to his doctor and therapist.  He has been going for years and I have no idea if the therapist knows how troubled he is.  He says he wants to help himself get better but I know he is so afraid of failing that he wont even try. 

I appreciate your insight about the business.  You are exactly right.  He is harming it and I am allowing it.  I love what I do - I love our employees and I can't let this happen anymore.  I know I have to leave when he starts raging.  I will not stay in that situation any more.  Again, I feel stuck as to what to do next.  I feel like I get to a point and I get stuck.  I don't want to be stuck.  

I have worked at not making things worse.  I have improved my validation skills.But





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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2017, 01:47:57 PM »

A few thoughts. First off, telling him he has BPD is unlikely to go well for you. Strike that. He's likely to dysregulate over it. And then be upset that you told him he was crazy occasionally for as long as you are in contact with him  His therapist is the person who should diagnose him, not you, and the person who should tell him about it, and can figure out a good way to do so.

I'm not sure what you can do about the business--you can use tools, and enforce boundaries like you are, and it is likely to muddle along despite him. It won't "fix" the situation though.

Bigger changes may require risking an ugly split where one of the two of you leaves the business, or it is split between you into two different ones. How that might go, how to manage those risks, etc. is more than I feel up to advising you on here.

And that kind of thing risks your financial situation, and puts your employees which you care about at financial risk. I wouldn't expect you to feel up to risking all this, at least not today.

  You sound totally exhausted by dealing with him, both personally and professionally. You need to do something to take care of yourself.

If I recall the personal side of your relationship correctly, you live separately from him, but eat together and spend the evening together, at least when he's not dysregulated; I don't recall if you spend the night with him or not, or even if there is a sexual side to your relationship, past or present. It also sounds like you are in regular communications with him by phone/text/email/etc. outside business hours... .again, when he's not dysregulated; I know you normally don't answer his repeated calls that you expect to be raging.

You could put on hold or end some or all of your personal relationship with him. Yes, he will continue to turn up the heat, and you would need to be ready with boundaries against raging at you, but you need that already.

You could build a personal life with friends and activities that don't involve him. I have no doubt it would be heart wrenching at first, but I'm sure it would be rewarding later.

It would take time, but I'm guessing this kind of change will ultimately make you stronger and healthier, and have you ready to face other challenges that may come up later.
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coworkerfriend
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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2017, 12:30:20 PM »

Thanks GK - I know it won't go over well to tell him that he has it.  He is so smart and googles everything - it sort of surprises me that he hasn't figured it out himself.  He did tell me the other day that he thinking he is receiving the wrong type of therapy - that he has been going for 12-15 years will little to no improvement.  He has incredible moments of self awareness which unfortunately tend to give me hope that things can improve. 

I am totally exhausted - this period of intense dysregulation has gone on more than not since last September.   This whole month has been awful.  I am behind at work - I need to focus my full attention on the business for a while.  I can not take on dismantling it.  I do have to weigh the options and make it better for myself and my employees.  We were talking the other day and he said that he pushed so hard to buy the building and start the business with me years ago to keep himself tied to me.  That he knows enough about himself and his personality and he saw a good thing with me.  He didn't want to be tempted to do something stupid and ruin it.   As I listened to him, I couldn't help but feel awful about those comments.  This was before I knew the extent of his illness - before I knew about BPD.  I ignored any red flags - dismissing them or explaining them away to myself.  Our personal relationship blossomed quickly and there was so much about his professional personality that I had admired.  I can't let myself get stuck in ruminating about my past mistakes.  I feel stuck enough as it is.

On the personal side, we do live in separate houses. We spend a majority of the time together at his house and I do spend the night.  We have never had a problem with our sex life - that is one area that does work well.  We started eating dinners together because it seemed silly not to - we both had to eat and if we were cooking, it was just as easy to cook for both of us. 

I am trying to detach a bit from our personal life - I have been pulling back this week - spending time away from his house.  He has been telling me that it is making him more and more depressed.  I can see that it is but if I am there - he is quick to pick a fight with me or act like I am completely irritating him.   I cringe when I see him name on my phone - when he calls or texts, it is always an attempt to pull me into whatever drama he needs at the moment.  I also know as I am pulling back a bit - he is reaching out and calling/texting his exwife.  I know he is looking for her for some comfort or maybe to line her up if things don't work with me.  I don't know.  All I know is that I am exhausted and generally feeling really bad about myself.  I do need to become stronger and I am feeling stuck at the moment.    I tend to be a person who overthinks everything and that is where I am stuck. 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.  It is very lonely being in a relationship with someone with BPD.   I don't share any of this with anyone outside this forum.  I have isolated myself from my friends over the years.  It was easier than trying to explain any of this.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2017, 05:01:24 PM »

He did tell me the other day that he thinking he is receiving the wrong type of therapy - that he has been going for 12-15 years will little to no improvement. 

Yeah, I'd tend to agree--If therapy is going to be effective, some results ought to be showing up in weeks or months, not years or decades(!) If that kind of comment came up again, I might have taken the chance to ask what he wanted to change, and whether he had mentioned this to his therapist... .but as you said, bringing this up is a bad idea. Heck, even agreeing with what he says is flirting with disaster 

Excerpt
On the personal side, we do live in separate houses. We spend a majority of the time together at his house and I do spend the night.  We have never had a problem with our sex life - that is one area that does work well.  We started eating dinners together because it seemed silly not to - we both had to eat and if we were cooking, it was just as easy to cook for both of us.

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I'm glad to hear that one thing is good, at least  Being cool (click to insert in post)

That bit about "it seems silly not to eat dinners together" sounds like a bit of justification or rationalization on your part... .I suspect you are discounting arguments/fights at these times, and/or his games around refusing to eat or sleep, and blaming/attacking you for it.

Does the baggage you pick up by sharing means with him justify the "easy" or "time saving" aspect of it?

If you truly enjoy eating with him, and cooking with him/for him, by all means, keep on. But I suspect you don't, or at least don't much of the time.

Excerpt
I am trying to detach a bit from our personal life - I have been pulling back this week - spending time away from his house.  He has been telling me that it is making him more and more depressed.

Obviously you have good reasons to do so; Heck, I think I've encouraged you to do this. That said, of course he will notice, and of course he will see it as rejection/abandonment, and of course he will lash out or act out in response. Sigh.

Continue doing it as long as it seems right, and works to protect you. And be aware of the consequences.

Excerpt
All I know is that I am exhausted and generally feeling really bad about myself.

Excerpt
I cringe when I see him name on my phone - when he calls or texts

You know how this is making you feel. Honor your feelings. Believe them. Act on them.

Take time away from him. I'd suggest that for some of it, you completely mute/block him on your phone, so you don't even have to cringe when his name comes up on your phone, saving that for later. Or turn your phone off, if that works for you, and there isn't anybody (besides him!) who you want to hear from.

Excerpt
It is very lonely being in a relationship with someone with BPD.   I don't share any of this with anyone outside this forum.  I have isolated myself from my friends over the years.  It was easier than trying to explain any of this.


Please try to change the isolation part. Reach out to some of those friends, or any family members you like/trust that you've backed away from.

But go light on talking about your r/s and especially BPD with them. People who have some understanding of mental illness, and living with mental illness are few and far between, and as you said, trying to explain can be really hard. (Unless you find a friend who does understand already!)

Instead, have "normal" friends to spend a bit of time being "normal" with them and leaving the insanity behind. Go to a movie, go out dancing, go fishing, work out, go shopping, plan redecorating a house. I don't know which will appeal to you or your friends, but if none of those work, pick something else.
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