His actions my fault

[Tootie]

Good morning, I am so tired ... .I am separated because I finally flipped when yet again I discovered I had been deceived and repeatedly lied to.  When I asked why he does this he packed his bags and stormed out.  He then told me that he fundamentally believes deception in marriage is ok.  I asked him to leave more permanently and sort himself out with more therapy and joint therapy because this is not the marriage i signed up to.  We are still separated but trying to get back together but he now says he deceived because I am too controlling, i am too close to my children, he left his last two marriages for me, because we are living in my family home (parents have died) he wanted to move here, because we have an adult child living at home... .basically any number of reasons, none of which are his fault.  I am so tired of his anger, his non speaks, his need for revenge , his storming out and packing his bags, his ability to see slights in the smallest of things, his manipulation and all of his actions and behaviours being my fault.  I am his fourth wife ... .but everything is my fault.  I love him, he can be warm, creative, loving, kind but it is like he is two people.  When he is in his bad space, if he is not raging, he is manipulating, projecting his feelings as though they were mine and I feel like I need to be Einstein to keep figuring things out.  Why am I in this ?  I feel like I am just a target to absorb his '___'.  We have a great life, want for nothing, I am happy with all I have but he is always disrupting things, looking for the next project or causing chaos, never happy with what he has - I'm exhausted and sad so much of the time as a result of our rows, so yes, why I am in this, how can I change me and will he ever change ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Auspicious]

That's a lot going on 

There's no way to know if he will ever change, and you can't change him.

You asked how you can change you, and that's a great question!  Take a look at the links over on the right - like Basic Tools and Lessons. We have a lot of information that can help you change you

Many of us have found that therapy for us is helpful too. We are going through a lot, and it can be helpful to have some expert help

[Meili]

I want to join Auspicious in welcoming you to the  bpdfamily.



I'm sorry to read that you are experiencing all of that. It must be emotionally and mentally draining. It sounds to me like the first step is to Stop the Bleeding and give yourself a moment to relax and breath.

If you read the posts from others here, you'll probably realize rather quickly that you are not alone in your experiences. Many of us have been through very similar things and that is one of the things that makes this a good place to vent, get support, and seek advice. So, keep posting as much as you need and are comfortable with.