Not the best of Mondays

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all of you on this great board.

You may have read my story. It's closing in on two months since she left me for reasons she's only partly described. I do know she's aware of that she's not fit to be in a proper r/s, since that's what she wrote me before Christmas (and well, it's true... ), but she also put some nasty blame on me, both overtly and between the lines.

Thing is, I still don't get it. I thought I'd moved on to a place where I'd accepted the facts, but the last few days I've felt a little paranoid, uneasy, and also frustrated over that there'll be no anwers to my questions, as why she put me through this just to dump me.

For my part, I know I'll have to look into my own eventual issues. Got some therapy going now, weekly. I'm taking care of myself but some nights tend to get a little too late. I'm not drinking or using any other substances, apart from the odd glass of wine and a couple of beers with a friend. Trying mostly to find solace in music and reading up on the experiences of others.

There's no drama. It's just hurting so bad right now. I feel as I've been infected (lacking a better word atm)... .I want to get rid of this emotional nausea... I really think a part of me was lost forever that evening of the 19th November.

I also really need to ventilate once again one of her insane breakdowns, in a more detailed way, when I have the time. I need to share it with others that have been through similar hurting and terrifying things.

 

[Keef]

Hello all of you on this great board.

You may have read my story. It's closing in on two months since she left me for reasons she's only partly described. I do know she's aware of that she's not fit to be in a proper r/s, since that's what she wrote me before Christmas (and well, it's true... ), but she also put some nasty blame on me, both overtly and between the lines.

Thing is, I still don't get it. I thought I'd moved on to a place where I'd accepted the facts, but the last few days I've felt a little paranoid, uneasy, and also frustrated over that there'll be no anwers to my questions, as why she put me through this just to dump me.

For my part, I know I'll have to look into my own eventual issues. Got some therapy going now, weekly. I'm taking care of myself but some nights tend to get a little too late. I'm not drinking or using any other substances, apart from the odd glass of wine and a couple of beers with a friend. Trying mostly to find solace in music and reading up on the experiences of others.

There's no drama. It's just hurting so bad right now. I feel as I've been infected (lacking a better word atm)... .I want to get rid of this emotional nausea... I really think a part of me was lost forever that evening of the 19th November.

I also really need to ventilate once again one of her insane breakdowns, in a more detailed way, when I have the time. I need to share it with others that have been through similar hurting and terrifying things.

 

[gotbushels]

Hi Keef 

Thing is, I still don't get it. I thought I'd moved on to a place where I'd accepted the facts, but the last few days I've felt a little paranoid, uneasy, and also frustrated over that there'll be no anwers to my questions, as why she put me through this just to dump me.

Sometimes while we know what's a better description of our relationships, it feels unreal. To me, this felt like the "I still don't get it". I found that with this relationship, it took a long time for my feelings to level with my logic. This made me feel uneasy. Is this similar to your experience?

When we live as the other party to a pwBPD relationship, we may try to overextend the pwBPD's control over their own behaviour. It's easier to blame someone when they consciously set out to hurt us. Can you see perhaps how she may not see it as putting you through something just to dump you?

For my part, I know I'll have to look into my own eventual issues.

I encourage you to be compassionate with yourself during this time. I think it takes a long time to recover form these relationships.

How are you practically looking after yourself? Do you have any other hobbies?

There's no drama. It's just hurting so bad right now. I feel as I've been infected (lacking a better word atm)... .I want to get rid of this emotional nausea...

You're not alone, you can find support here. Being emotionally uneasy can happen some time after a breakup with a pwBPD.

I hope you find peace.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Keef,

I'm sorry you are hurting, I can certainly relate. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts to getting through this grieving, but I'm happy to hear that you are feeling. Don't get me wrong, I don't derive pleasure from others' suffering; it's just that so often we do almost anything to avoid feeling sensations like this. This, in my view, is the way through. Not dwelling in the basement of your emotions for long periods, but feeling what you can, when you can, and just being with it. 

I get needing to vent. Let it out, Keef! We're here for you, and understand. There are times to buckle down and focus exclusively on our stuff; there are times to rail at the injustices. You sound like you know how much is healthy for you right now—so let 'er rip. 

heartandwhole

[once removed]

hang in there, keef.

i hate to put the emphasis on "time" as if time alone does the work, but it sounds to me like youre doing the work, and the fact is youre building something that can take a long time to see the results of (in fact, in my case i feel like so much of my healing and growth were seen in retrospect). wounds also take time to heal. some wounds, even as theyre healing, itch and irritate like crazy.

i get it - its a very frustrating place to be in, kinda like purgatory.

also frustrated over that there'll be no anwers to my questions, as why she put me through this just to dump me.

have you dove into some of the clinical literature on BPD? you may not get direct answers from her, but i would suggest eventually, your heart/mind/psyche will find answers and versions of things that will satisfy.

I also really need to ventilate once again one of her insane breakdowns, in a more detailed way, when I have the time. I need to share it with others that have been through similar hurting and terrifying things.

if this is on your mind, its a good indicator you should do exactly that. we are here to walk through it with you.

[ynwa]

hey Keef,  it's probably not the worst of mondays either? 

I don't have many answers either.  I can only use what I see and feel. Like you, I have trouble seeing what the whole point of putting up with sh** was to only have her leave.  I realized today that I don't have to carry that shovel.  But I'm not ready to put the shovel away yet. 

Do you think today could have been worse? 

You got this Keef.

[Keef]

THANK YOU all, so much! Such valuable input!

I will reply thoroughly later this evening, therapy time in 30 mins...

<3

[Larmoyant]

Hi Keef, detaching/recovery doesn't seem to be linear does it. I understand where you're coming from. One step forwards, two back. Some days I feel as if I've done it, got through the worst only to find myself in misery once again. It's hard to come to terms with it all especially when we don't get answers. I found mine by reading about the disorder and it works for me. The more I learn the more accepting I become only I don't think the pain will ever go completely away. Hopefully I'm wrong. Happy to hear you are in therapy it's helped me too. So has writing about all my horrifying experiences on here. Something seems to change when you get it all out. Keep reading and posting you'll get there.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Keef, I think it's normal to seek answers after a b/u with a pwBPD, in an attempt to make sense of what happened.  Yet BPD, in my experience, defies rational or reasonable explanations.  You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why a pwBPD acts the way he/she does, without ever getting to the bottom of it.  So I would suggest that you try to limit your ruminating and, instead, practice accepting that you will never fully understand BPD.  Perhaps that will help with the "emotional nausea," too.

LuckyJim

[Keef]

gotbushels

I found that with this relationship, it took a long time for my feelings to level with my logic. This made me feel uneasy. Is this similar to your experience?

Absolutely. It's an uncanny experience. And for me it recalls all the elusiveness and irrationality of the relationship. It's foggy.

Can you see perhaps how she may not see it as putting you through something just to dump you?

Well, try as I might... I'm not really there yet. I do know she struggled with the relationship and her/my feelings. But the destructivity got the best of her. Now, I'm not one of those who see pwBPD as evil and that their intentions are to come on and hurt you. It nothing personal, although it's hard at times to not see it that way. At times I get bitter. And I think I should let myself feel that way when I do feel it (or any other feeling that comes up). Obviously when I started this thread I saw her intentions as evil... it's the bitterness talking.

How are you practically looking after yourself? Do you have any other hobbies?

I'm trying to get back to my routines. Food/sleep/recreation etc. I just started a new full time job (as a musician), for me music is "everything", I don't really have a hobby or feel that I need one right now. I don't exercise... I probably should, just to let out the steam. I'd like to laugh more often. Some black humour now and then would do me good.

Lucky Jim + heartandwhole

So I would suggest that you try to limit your ruminating and, instead, practice accepting that you will never fully understand BPD.

feeling what you can, when you can, and just being with it.

Thank you heartandwhole and Lucky Jim. I believe that is the right path to go. Allowing to feel - but avoiding to wallow. Lucky Jim: as for accepting that I cannot fully grasp this disorder, that's a hard one. I hope to get there soon. I guess it goes back to what gotbushels wrote, that feelings and logic aren't on the same page right now, or atleast seldom are. I suspect I sometimes have problems with accepting things! Seeing them for what they are!

once removed

kinda like purgatory.

Uh... .yes. Not least since I sooner or later also will have to address issues I may have, such as co-dependency tendencies.

have you dove into some of the clinical literature on BPD?

I did try 'I hate you, don't leave me' while still in the r/s, but I found it a little annoying at times. I remember thinking it had streaks of prejudice. I'm not sure, maybe I was too FOG:ged up. Should I give it another go do you think? Could you please give me a title of some other book? I probably need to read something more on the clinical side.

ynwa

hey Keef,  it's probably not the worst of mondays either?

Do you think today could have been worse?

   
Thank you ynwa. Yes. It could definitely be worse. Such as getting tons of shi*e for things I never ever did and then getting kicked out for not apologizing  

All of you who have pitched in, if you have any good reads you could recommend, feel free to tip off. Books on BPD... .co-dependency... .acceptance... etc.

I'll vent about my ex's second meltdown when I feel ready. It's been on my mind for a couple of days, but tonight I can't think about it, it's too scary and sad.

   

Take care

[Lucky Jim]

I believe that is the right path to go. Allowing to feel - but avoiding to wallow.

Hey Keef, I like how you put that and agree that is the way to go.  LJ

[patientandclear]

I found Jeffrey Young's work on schema therapy for BPD to be extremely illuminating; it tends to pull me back to the realization that a lot of what the person wBPD in my life experiences is so far outside of his own understanding or control that it's silly to take it personally.  The loss is what it is, but it's being driven by powerful biological and clinical dynamics.  It helps to be reminded of that.

I also think Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist (available as an e-book) is quite useful.

[Pretty Woman]

Keef, when things were good with our exes they were REALLY good. That was a high for us.

After things start to head south we keep trying to get that high back and occasionally we get a little "fix" here and there from them but it's never the same.

Detaching is a process.  I don't remember the last time I cried over my ex. It's been over a year. I still think about her everyday but now I have taken responsibility for my involvement in what I call "the toxic tango". It truly is the tango from H E L L.

It took a good year and a half NC to feel like myself again. It does feel like an infection of sorts.

My god, if you look at my old posts on here you will see how different I sound. I repeated over and over the same stuff and put full blame on my ex. I talked to people about it ad-nauseum. I am so glad my true friends stuck around I was that obsessed over it.

What got me through is going out with strangers. Not dating but going out and joining social clubs and doing activities. I didn't want to be the "weird new girl" talking about my ex.
It took my mind off her for a few hours and really helped. Some of the activities involved volunteering for at-risk youth and doing things in the community. It really helped put things into perspective and kept my mind and body occupied.

Best part is I made some great new friends doing this.

Keep busy. It gets better!

[Keef]

Pretty Woman: thank you. I do obsess at times, it's not healthy. I am listening to your advice here, it would be good to meet strangers in a creative and constructive environment. Luckily my job offers these things. Maybe I should sign up for some evening class. Language or something. Something like that could hopefully help to rebuild my thinking. Cheers.

patientandclear: I've been interested in schema therapy earlier. I was about to engage in that but they were full. And really... .it would have been more appropriate for the ex since she's the one with BPD/obvious traits of BPD  

I will look into Young's writing. Thanks.

[Pretty Woman]

A language would be great! It would give you something to focus on AND enhance your skills! Please know I'm not saying shut off your emotions. You need to work through your feelings but there is a difference between that and obsessing. Everyday you need to do something for you because right now you need to take care of and give love and credit to yourself. You deserve to be happy and have that chance. Sadly our exes don't... .but that's not our problem.

 

Let us know what you decide to do. Step outside your comfort zone. Sometimes picking a totally different interest opens up doors like you won't believe. I'm not talking climbing Everest but think
About dance lessons or a cooking class. Take a few things and enrich your life.

[ynwa]

I am reading Codependent No More.  Ive also been reading a book called Loving someone with BPD, both of which are helpful.

[Keef]

Please know I'm not saying shut off your emotions. You need to work through your feelings but there is a difference between that and obsessing.

Yes. I've been thinking about this. Distracting vs rebuilding, processing vs obsessing. I guess they can be hard to separate before you get it more together. What does distraction mean to you Pretty Woman? Do you think there's a more appropriate word? I guess I believe in distraction as long as it doesn't mean I'm forgetting to process things (do you get me?).

Anything creative would equal something healthy for me I think. But I'd like to be able to identify more clearly what's constructive so I don't tread down the wrong path. I can be hard on myself at times.

I'll let you know   Maybe that way I'll be able to help others see some light too  

Cheers ynwa, I'm definitely looking up those books!