Not sure where to start?

[Bellabear]

My sister was formally been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder about a month after our mom passed away late last april. She's been on medication (although based on her symptoms I'm really not sure that she's been taking it), and I've officially hit a point where I am beyond frustrated. It's affecting my marriage in that my husband and I fight about her behavior and the fact that her behavior upsets me (lying, passing off my ambitions and goals that I work hard for as her own, etc... .) I don't know what's "normal" for BPD or if she has extra stuff going on, I just have no clue. I would love some direction and/or advise. Thank you so much!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Bellabear:  

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your mom, and then to have problems with your sister's behavior - that's tough. That is a lot to deal with.  It's got to be a time when you want to turn to a sister for mutual comfort.

I experienced a similar situation with my sister.  Upon learning about BPD, I can see now that she showed some traits, prior to our parent's death.  As soon as our parent's health took a turn for the worse, my sister proceeded to  SPLIT me black.  Lying, or distorted truth, seems to be a common issue.  

I can understand how frustrated you must be.  There are some helpful links to the right of this post.  There is an areas identified as "Lessons".  That is a good place to start exploring.  Also, there is a wide green band at the top of this page, where there is a menu area identified as "Tools".  Both of these areas have links to helpful information.

You can't change your sister, but you can change the way you interact with her and react to her.  Setting BOUNDARIES  is important.  They are for your benefit and you are the one who will need to consistently enforce them.

Check out some of the tools and let us know what you think.

[Bellabear]

Thank you! I started exploring last night and got overwhelmed rather quickly, haha. After reading some of it, I'm also wondering if my mom was BPD, because whoa nelly! I was talking to my husband and was like oh my gosh, it's no wonder i have such trust issues with people -- I've spent my entire life trying to gauge my family based on who they'd be, how they were going to react, feeling unsupported and alone (my mom did sister were so unhealthily codependent I basically ceased to exist except when they "needed" me)... .it's a lot of information to process at once. My sisters behavior stems back at least 18 years that I can remember distinctly... .so I've known for a long time that *something* was seriously wrong.

I would like clarification though on something (if you're able to offer insight on this) -- my sister seems to have a loose grasp on reality. She will talk about these episodes that happened to her that are pretty serious like being raped or having a miscarriage -- things that are not a joking matter -- and they're very real to her, but the details scream "never happened!" Does that make sense? Logistically there's no way the events played out the way they did, and these stories always pop up when she's in an episode (did I mention she's bipolar as well? I can't remember) but they're SO real to her. Is that part of the BPD? Or is there a possibility something else is going on here?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Bellabear:
Just take learning about BPD and communication skills a step at a time. It took me some time, and a lot of reading (sometime rereading several times), before some concepts like SPLITTING and FAMILIAR FIGHTS: - Projection, Splitting, Emotional Reasoning and Blame  sunk in.

I found it helpful for me to bookmark links in my browser (even created a special folder).  That made it easy for me to go back to reread things that I found helpful.  

After reading some of it, I'm also wondering if my mom was BPD, because whoa nelly! I was talking to my husband and was like oh my gosh, it's no wonder i have such trust issues with people -- I've spent my entire life trying to gauge my family based on who they'd be, how they were going to react,  

Many people have a varying number of BPD traits, at varying degrees of intensity.  Even normal people exhibit a BPD trait or two at times.  Best to focus on dealing with each troubling trait.  Whether a professional puts a BPD label on her, won't really matter for you.  You can't change her.  What you can do, is manage the way you interact with and react to someone exhibiting BPD traits.  The communication skill and strategy you can learn in the lessons here are good skill for anyone to use and it develops emotional intelligence (skills to use in everyday life).

She will talk about these episodes that happened to her that are pretty serious like being raped or having a miscarriage -- things that are not a joking matter -- and they're very real to her, but the details scream "never happened!" Does that make sense? Logistically there's no way the events played out the way they did, and these stories always pop up when she's in an episode (did I mention she's bipolar as well? I can't remember) but they're SO real to her. Is that part of the BPD? Or is there a possibility something else is going on here?  

The article below should be helpful:
Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

Click on either the green words above or the green links to get to the articles.  Let us know what you think.  The articles should shed some light on lying, emotional reality, projection and splitting. It took awhile for those concept to sink in for me, but they can put some situations into perspective.