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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Its a start...  (Read 379 times)
CrossroadsGuyMn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 31


« on: January 17, 2017, 08:49:07 AM »

I'm unsure what to type for an introduction, but I will make an attempt.

It's time to take a realistic look at myself, my relationship, what it all means, and most importantly where to go from here.

I've read Stop Walking On Eggshells before, and allowed myself to fall back into my old co-dependent habits. 

However, I'm optimistic.  I haven't fallen as far as I have in the past, nor is my despair as deep.  I will take my life back regardless of what that means.

My wife is afflicted with BPD, and is an alcoholic.

She emotionally and mentally abusive to me.  When she drinks the abuse is amplified.

Over the years, I have equivocated and rationalized her behavior.  That is unfair to me and to her.

I have tried to set boundaries, around myself when she drinks, such as "I will not be in her presence while she is drinking".  I have not been firm with this boundary.  I own that, and will change it.

Its a start.

In addition I have begun therapy with a councilor that has experience with both sides of BPD. 

Again, it is a start.






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ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2017, 12:08:21 PM »

Hello Crossroads.

Welcome.  You sound like you have a good handle on what you are going through. 

There are some great resources and people here who share similar stories and help each other work through things.
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CrossroadsGuyMn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 31


« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2017, 01:11:28 PM »

Thank you for the welcome ynwa.

I'm trying to keep that 'good handle'

My struggle today is that I've felt a growing sense of dread all morning.

This is ironic because, compared to the last few months, the last 4 or 5 days have been quite good in terms of the display of BPD tendancies, and she has been sober for almost a week.  Typically its rare for her to go more than 4 days.

I did some reflecting and I think my dread is stemming from a few things.

1.  I can see why I fell in love with her when she acts this way.
2.  I know that its going to change, and I'm just 'waiting for the shoe to drop'.
3.  Seeing her good side provides a deeper contrast to the BPD behaviors... .and that feels painful.

So, I'm scared to connect with her right now because if I do, I know that I'm going to get slapped in the face (figuratively) in a day or two, when she decides to get drunk.

Sharing that though, does help me to rationalize my thoughts and at least try to compartmentalize my sense of dread.

Anyway.  Thank you for the reply.
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SamwizeGamgee
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 904


« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2017, 01:15:35 PM »

Welcome.
First off, don't be hard on yourself.  We were all born on Earth with the intention of being happy and living with happy, healthy people.  That's what we were equipped for at birth.  Unfortunately, that's not how it all worked out.  You're okay.

I believe in making progress as slowly as needed.  I know a lot of good comes from the recommended reading books on this site.  A lot of good.  However, don't expect one or two books to make-over your life.  Make it a goal to get one or two solid life changes out of each book, or each time you re-read one.  Find ways to get better each day.  

It does sound like your goal of not being around when your wife drinks is a very good idea, and a great one to stand firm on.    Just keep going.  God speed.
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CrossroadsGuyMn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 31


« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2017, 01:31:42 PM »

Thank you for the encouragement.

The amount of information here is pretty overwhelming.


Other than eggshells, what articles / books have you found most helpful for your situation?
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SamwizeGamgee
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 904


« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2017, 02:06:22 PM »

I came across so many. I also read a lot on kids and divorce, since that was pertinent. Divorce books also had good content for general parenting and relationships.

The books helped at certain points, and I don't know if you're going through the same path I was on, but, here's some of the most significant books.
"Stop Caretaking the Borderline" by Margalis Fjelstad. - this was an absolute breakthrough book for me.  It helped!
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - not just me, several people have said that this was instrumental.  Life changing, I'll even pass this on to my kids as they are old enough.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engel - really looked at how we can both be abusive too, and had decision making analysis for stay or go.
"Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward was really excellent - sort of tells you what you knew in the pit of your stomach and is very empowering to read.

I'm finally reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson.  That's where I read the descriptions of BPD types (Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch).  Since no matter what happens, I'm sending my kids off into life with a BPD mom, I should know all I can about it.  But, even if you don't have kids, you will probably benefit from reading it. (and maybe find some unfinished business in your own childhood).

On the note of understanding BPD, the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Kreisman and Straus, makes a pretty clinical, fair description of BPD and their outlook.

"Splitting" - Randi Kreger, will come recommended as you look at the practical sides of divorce from BPD.

There are many more. 
As a guy, I recommend reading "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real.  It discusses male depression and is good life wisdom even without BPD- although find me a guy married to BPDw and I'll show you some depression, so it's a good idea.

Many people benefit from Lundy Bancroft's books.  I read most of "Should I Stay or Go?" but, I could not overcome the gender specific treatment.  Males and females abuse - and suffer - differently (at least in my belief) and I just could not connect with Bancroft - who writes about abusive men. 

Wow, and that's only the tip of the iceberg! 

Warning: don't search for these on your shared computer, or your shared shopping account, like Amazon or B&N.  Open a separate account at your vendor of choice, use a private browsing setting, and clear your history.  Once these big sellers can profile what you're looking for, you'll get a lot of other suggested titles.  Which is great - until your wife wonders what you have all these book on mental illness and divorce in your suggested listing. 
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