BPD Mom- Waif Mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Good afternoon,

I finally worked up the courage recently to go to therapy over my mother. My therapist suggest I read the book "The Borderline Mother," and it was completely eye opening and affirming for me. If you've read the book, my mother is a waif mother who married a frog prince. If you've not read the book, essentially my mom is always victim who married an addict.

Throughout my childhood, my mother constantly made me feel guilty about every action I did or every feeling she had. She reminded me that she was married to an addict and that we should all feel so sympathetic to her because she was dealing with these. Numerous times I've offered support for her to get a divorce and each year she claims she is going to do it but then never does- something I am realizing is classic borderline because she would no longer be a victim. My father is never around and will not admit his addiction issue, so we cannot even discuss my mother.

Additionally, throughout my childhood, my mom would use her "victim" status as a way to control my life. For example, she used to make me stand in front of the mirror and put out all the things she did not like about my body and asked me to lose weight because remember she is suffering and married to an alcoholic and this would make her feel better. Similar situations like this continued throughout my childhood. My mother always made me her caregiver and made it seem like her happiness was always in my hands if I just did what she wanted.

Well, after 28 years I've just had enough. I made a huge move to San Francisco and surprise my mother acted like a child and threw a screaming incoherent tantrum about me moving. She claimed I was the "least compassionate" person she knew because now who would take care of her. Not once did she recognize or ask about how stressful a cross country move would be for me. It was all about her.

This situation broke me. I just want to be done after all these years. I need to go no contact. However, I am running into the situation of other family members getting involved. I do not want to be open with them about what my mom is really like because I am afraid of rejection, but I am finding every text message or email from them that says something like "I don't mean to butt in, but you should talk to your mom" brings me back to those old feelings of shame and guilt that I am trying so hard to overcome.

Any advice? Thank you for the support!

[elizabenn]

Good afternoon,

I finally worked up the courage recently to go to therapy over my mother. My therapist suggest I read the book "The Borderline Mother," and it was completely eye opening and affirming for me. If you've read the book, my mother is a waif mother who married a frog prince. If you've not read the book, essentially my mom is always victim who married an addict.

Throughout my childhood, my mother constantly made me feel guilty about every action I did or every feeling she had. She reminded me that she was married to an addict and that we should all feel so sympathetic to her because she was dealing with these. Numerous times I've offered support for her to get a divorce and each year she claims she is going to do it but then never does- something I am realizing is classic borderline because she would no longer be a victim. My father is never around and will not admit his addiction issue, so we cannot even discuss my mother.

Additionally, throughout my childhood, my mom would use her "victim" status as a way to control my life. For example, she used to make me stand in front of the mirror and put out all the things she did not like about my body and asked me to lose weight because remember she is suffering and married to an alcoholic and this would make her feel better. Similar situations like this continued throughout my childhood. My mother always made me her caregiver and made it seem like her happiness was always in my hands if I just did what she wanted.

Well, after 28 years I've just had enough. I made a huge move to San Francisco and surprise my mother acted like a child and threw a screaming incoherent tantrum about me moving. She claimed I was the "least compassionate" person she knew because now who would take care of her. Not once did she recognize or ask about how stressful a cross country move would be for me. It was all about her.

This situation broke me. I just want to be done after all these years. I need to go no contact. However, I am running into the situation of other family members getting involved. I do not want to be open with them about what my mom is really like because I am afraid of rejection, but I am finding every text message or email from them that says something like "I don't mean to butt in, but you should talk to your mom" brings me back to those old feelings of shame and guilt that I am trying so hard to overcome.

Any advice? Thank you for the support!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Elizabenn:   

I'm sorry about your mom.  I can't imagine what you have gone through with her.  Your examples sound very distressing.  Good for you for moving to San Francisco and doing something for you.  I can imagine that a move like this must be stressful.   Are you still in therapy?

This situation broke me. I just want to be done after all these years. I need to go no contact. However, I am running into the situation of other family members getting involved. I do not want to be open with them about what my mom is really like because I am afraid of rejection, but I am finding every text message or email from them that says something like "I don't mean to butt in, but you should talk to your mom" brings me back to those old feelings of shame and guilt that I am trying so hard to overcome.

It sounds like a good plan to be cautious what you share with the other family members.  Information about The Karpman Drama Triangle could be helpful for you.  It points out bad triangulation and then provided information on good triangulation.

Some people bounce back and forth between no contact and limited contact.  Whatever you decide, you can always change it, should circumstances change.

You have made a start with setting boundaries, so keep up your efforts.  Boundaries will bring sanity to your life, and can be set in relation to social media, texts and phone calls. 

How far away are you from your mother now?  Are any relatives close to San Francisco? 

[Turkish]

You're 28, ten years past being an adult.  Kids grow up,  and some move away; this is normal. You didn't abandon an invalid.

Your mother,  however,  may be an emotional invalid.  This is harder for outsiders to grasp,  and I'm sorry she did that thing with the mirror.  That was shaming, and uncalled for.  A core emotion of people with BPD (pwBPD) is shame; i.e., I'm a bad person who doesn't deserve to me loved.  I think this is a tragic world view.  Even more tragic is when is projected upon a child whose mind and persona is still developing.  As children, we can often take this with its into adulthood.  "You aren't responsible for her feelings." Sounds good,  and is true.  Easy to process logically,  perhaps,  but harder to do so emotionally. 

Pressure from family can make detaching (owning your own personhood apart from how others may define you) so much harder, and I'm sorry that you're receiving this pressure. 

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons and suggested reading at the top of the board?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0

I'd say you're at least at the stage of taking back the power of your own life. 

Going NC is certainly an option,  but it may be better to withdraw with boundaries.  This is one of my favorite discussions on the board,  tell us what you think:

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

I like how boundaries are tied to our core principles.

Turkish